I wanted to write down my experience. I have had several women tell me I must've had it easy when it comes to nursing my son. And that's why I love it so much.
But that is not the reality of my journey. ; Not at all.
We had a rough start. I'm sure our 30 hour labor had something to do with the struggle. Elijahbear slept for the first 24 hours. I tried to get him to latch. And I offered him my breast every time he stirred or woke. But he wasn't interested. And this was ok because my milk hadn't come in yet.
For the first week, every day was a constant struggle. Elijah was not a vocal baby.
He did not cry unless his diaper was being changed. .
And you might think that a non crier was a good thing. But it made it extra hard to know if he was hungry or not. So any time he would move or appear to be rooting around, I offered him the breast.
Most times he would try. But he wasn't really sucking right and he was not latching on. The midwives had checked his tongue and lip. They were not tied at all.
Not properly latching was making my nipples so sore. They cracked and bled. It was overwhelmingly painful.
I cried.
I squeezed pillows. And did my best to stay calm.
I prayed.
God gave me peace.
I persevered.
I watched tv to distract me. It helped.
I could feel God's presence. I knew it was my duty to continue.
One night, I used a pacifier to help Elijah learn how to suck properly. That helped. He just needed a little guidance. And we never used the pacifier again. I did use my finger to help him learn how to suck.
Praise God!
Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of it. But wow was it
P A I N F U L !!
It was excruciatingly painful and almost unbearable. That pain lasted 3 weeks. That is how long it took my skin to crack, bleed and heal over 2 times. And then, one day, zero pain. Imagine using a body part in a new way and add on saliva and almost constant use with intense suction. The skin took time to adjust.
But I didn't care. My nipples were cracked and bleeding a little bit.
But I didn't care.
My milk let down was quite strong and tingled and my breasts itched.
But I did not care.
It was NOT about me.
Elijah was learning how to eat and I was feeding him. It was so beautiful that I didn't care that it was overwhelmingly painful.
I just kept going.
Smooth fabric and stretchy bras and olive oil helped a lot!
I was going to succeed.
I knew God designed it to work.
But I knew from reading and hearing my mom talk about her experience, that it is a learning process.
A day in our life at that time was quite tiring. But it was also quite beautiful.
Elijah wanted to eat every 2 hours or so. But I didn't keep track. Some days he ate randomly. No rhyme or reason or schedule. Other days it was like clockwork: every 2 hours.
Kaleb slept on the couch because he had to be up at 5am for work. Elijah and I shared the bed. I slept when he slept and sometimes, I even slept when he was nursing. When he was brand new, he slept on my chest or Kaleb's chest. Once he was a little older he slept next to me in bed. I would hear in stir and latch him on. He would eat and doze back off. This routine lasted for several months. As soon as Elijah was 3 months, Kaleb joined us in bed. I slept in the middle and Elijah slept to my left. It was brilliant. I never had to get up to feed him. I had to keep water at arms length so I could hydrate properly. Soon, Elijah was able to find my breast on his own and eat, I often, never woke up, not really. It was a state of zombie, as Kaleb would say. He said my eyes were open, I would grab Elijah, and he'd nurse. And we would both go back to sleep. He said I moved with such ease and grace. It seemed so simple, he said. It was complete instinct. And I was and am happy to do it.
I needed to give my baby a chance to learn how to properly nurse. And use his tongue and lips and throat correctly. And what is an appropriate amount of time to let someone become an expert at something?
A week?
A month?
3 months?
WHAT?
None of us adults become good at something on our first try. It usually takes months of practice. Then it becomes like second nature. Don't brand new humans deserve that same amount of time?
I believe they do.
We tend to set babies in a separate category. As if these tiny perfect humans aren't real humans yet. But they are. They need skin to skin contact. They need to be held and loved.
Our society keeps them at arms length. Before they are even born, plans are in place to give them to strangers. So parents can do important work.
Daycare waiting lists are full.
Infants come out of the womb and instantly they are often rubbed down and dried off. And placed under bright lights. I know I wouldn't want to be rubbed down and placed under a fluorescent light after spending 10 months in a perfect, cozy, warm environment.
But we do it to newborns.
Traumatizing.
When it came to breastfeeding, I did not factor in my feelings AT ALL. I set them aside. It was for the benefit of another human being. A being that lived inside of my body for 10 months. His needs surpassed my own. He needed me.
About 2 weeks into his life, Elijah started to spit up his meals. So I researched and decided to stop eating dairy. Even though, I enjoy cookies and milk, yogurt, cereal, ice cream and cheese of all kinds; ESPECIALLY Parmesan. But I stopped eating all of those things. And Elijah stopped regurgitating my milk.
I tried reintroducing dairy several times but he would have an episode. So I quit trying.
Oh how I missed diary products.
Especially Parmesan cheese!
When Elijah was 10 months old, I prayed and decided to try dairy. And what do you know, Elijah didn't react at all. His poop stayed the same and he didn't throw up my milk.
I still do not consume large amounts if dairy because my body is still not used to it. And may never be able to handle it again. But I enjoy ice cream and Parmesan cheese now!
I love that God created these processes.
Pregnancy.
Labor.
Delivery.
Breastfeeding.
They are splendid. The child grows inside of the mother. The mothers body bring a the baby earth side. Then the mother uses her body to feed her child. It is so beautiful.
My body has been feeding Elijah for over 22 months.
[10 months womb side and 12 months earth side.]
I find it judgmental when women assume that our journey the past 12 months has been a cake walk. It isn't fair to assume ANYTHING about anyone's journey into motherhood. Instead of making assumptions, ask me. Ask the mother how things are going. I'm an open book. Many of us love to answer questions. All areas of motherhood are to be shared with others; especially with other moms and future mothers. I enjoy telling my life story.
But I believe in honesty.
Cold. Hard. Truth.
Even if that truth isn't all rainbows and butterflies, I tell it. I have to. I can't live any other way.
If you didn't breastfeed, that is your choice. Please don't make a breastfeeding mom feel bad for her success.
No one can make you feel guilty for making a choice. If you feel guilt. Search within yourself and find the root cause of that guilt. Do you have regrets? Give those to The Lord. Repent of the things you feel you messed up on. There is no sense in living with that guilt.
But the part that is hard for me to handle is the blame game. Women who didn't nurse their baby(ies) point the finger at us who did. And they often say, it's our fault. By rejoicing in our triumphs and breastfeeding successes, we make them feel bad for bottle feeding. Even though, we never address bottle feeding or out right bash anyone using bottles. We each must choose our path.
We have simply made the choice to avoid bottles.
It isn't fair to push the blame in our direction. I won't blame anyone using bottles for the struggles we faced at the beginning.
If you are truly confident that you made the best decision for your child, you should not have any guilt. You should feel pleased. You should feel proud; just as proud and elated as we who breastfeed.
If you sit here and read this and my words have made you feel feelings of guilt. That is inside of YOU. Those are your raw emotions coming up.
Deal with them. Think about why you feel that way.
Truly, think about your feelings.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Why do I feel guilty?
Where do those feelings come from?
What is the root cause of that guilt?
Just as roots of bitterness can grab a hold of us, the same happens with guilt. We need to yank that guilt weed out by it's roots. The easiest way, repent. Simply, tell God your thoughts. He instantly forgives. The hardest part is forgiving ourselves.
No one forced me to do this. I chose what is best for my child. The science and truth that breast milk is better cannot be shaken. It is best.
Elijah loves nursing. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I've always thought that 3 is my cut-off but now, with research, I believe nursing longer than 3 can be beneficial health wise. I will be one of those so-called "weirdos" that is STILL nursing.
We plan to try for baby #2 this summer. And I plan on continuing to nurse Elijah as long as he still wants to. These days, he comes and asks for it. He is learning to say "please" in sign language. He does a good job!
Because of breastfeeding, my cycle has not returned {and I don't miss it}. But that doesn't mean my body can't get pregnant. With the presence of sperm, often a woman's body will quickly ovulate. We shall see what happens. We have been praying and weighing what God wants for us.
I will end with this:::::
As Christian women, do we kid ourselves and think that Jesus actually wanted to be crucified??!
He didn't.
He begged God to take that cup from him. But if it was the Lord's will, Jesus said he would keep going.
It's right there in the Bible.
Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours), the least I could do was deal with some pain in order to give my son what he needs to be healthy.
PS- Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy the ups and downs. Enjoy the struggle. Because before you know it, it will be over. I sit on the cusp of that day. Elijah is starting to love food and not want to nurse as much. I am glad we had the time we did!
ENJOY IT!
