Teeth & Loss

This all started last summer. I noticed one day that Elijah's top teeth didn't look quite right. Even with brushing and a diet free of candy and all things sugary, his teeth appeared to have cavities. 

Sure enough, I was right. And so we scheduled surgery for October 2014. It went splendid. Elijah got all four top teeth capped with little crowns. And his molars had tiny cavities that the dentist fixed. 

In December one of his crowns fell off. So we went back in and had it fixed. Which was horrible. Elijah cried and so did I. 

Then on Monday evening the same crown fell off again which flashed me right back to the last time. It was so terrible that I really felt like Kaleb had to come with us this time. 

So, Tuesday we took the soonest available appointment. 2:00 pm. And as they were examining his tooth the dentist found a sore that indicated an abscess. Which is an infection inside the tooth. They can affect bone and cause damage to his growing/forming permanent teeth. So they took an X-Ray and sure enough his right front tooth was abscessed. And the only solution is to pull the tooth. 

Devastating.  

Our poor baby. 

So we thought for a moment and prayed. And decided to just get it over with now. What was the point in rescheduling and coming back in a month? It is a 70 mile drive for us to the pediatric dentist. 

So we decided to use the child strap because it would be the easiest way to keep Elijah calm. Which looked like this --- ----- 

It was a great decision because it kept Elijah calm. Or I should say, more calm than if he was free to move around. 

We sang "Jesus Loves Me" & "Jesus Loves the Little Children" 

That helped a lot. 

It was all over in a matter of 15 mins. 

Thank the Lord. 

I did not watch the tooth being pulled but Kaleb did. I couldn't watch. I have seen a lot of gross medical things but I couldn't watch it happen to my Ebear. 

All last night and today I have cleaned and went about the day as usual. But every now and then this very strange sadness rolls over me. I can't exactly pin-point it. But I was asking God to help me figure my emotions out in regards to this loss of a tooth. 

My big question is WHY is it bothering me so much? 

What am I afraid of? 

Is this really a big deal? 

Am I THAT shallow that a missing front tooth makes me so sad for my son? 

And as I was driving to the post office it was as clear as day. As if God himself spoke & said 

"it's sad because IT IS SAD. Let yourself be sad and grieve." 

Yes, this is a small thing. I GET that. I fully understand that other parents have sick/dying/handicapped children. But that doesn't belittle the suffering God has called ME to walk through or the suffering he has called Elijah to endure.  

I also felt God whisper, it's fear. 

The fear of what people will think of us as parents. The judgment they might pass on us; The questions, the looks. Why does my two year old have a tooth missing? And now I fear the looks, thoughts and comments. This is America where so much is about our outward appearance. I don't want anyone to make fun of my child. I fear how I would react if that happened. I am glad I will homeschool when that time comes because public school can be harsh if you have all of your teeth. 

I usually don't fear things. But this journey, I have battled fear. And I don't want it to win. Because that allows the enemy space into my life and my soul. 

But God says, do not fear. So that will be my prayer every day, to let go of that fear. To rest in the truth of God. And the fact that nothing we did as parents caused this, Elijah just so happened to have weak baby teeth. 

I am getting a clear picture of my emotions about this whole situation. I LOVED his cute baby teeth. I enjoyed watching them sprout and grow. Then they had to be shaved down and capped. THAT was sad. Now his cute little tooth is gone. And my sweet, smiley boy is still the same, he's just missing a small thing. But it has changed what he looks like. 

I pray his adult teeth grow healthy and strong. They looked good on the X-ray. And hopefully they come in sooner rather than later. 

Until then, we walk in God's grace. I will turn my face to the sky and remember that God's love never changes. I love my son no matter what he looks like. But it is okay to feel sadness and allow myself the space to find a new normal. 

We all have been called to walk through things that aren't consequences. They are just part of a fallen, broken world. And Jesus meets us there with grace and mercy. And we can find what we need if we look for it and open our hearts to the beauty of it. 

I am so glad I take photos like a crazed lunatic. Because there are TONS. Thousdands. Of photos of Elijah prior to all of this. I have photos of his shoe given baby teeth and all the big smiles. And I have photos of his capped teeth and how Shiney and white they were. 

And now, when he's comfortable, we will have photos of his new smile. 

On a side note: Take your babies to the dentist & brush their teeth diligently. I'm glad I did so that I have no guilt about what I could've done to prevent this little tragedy. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

My heart open wide

People don't follow God's laws or even attempt to let Him into their hearts. Even worse, they openly do things to defy God and yet somehow they think God owes them a happy life. I've been reading "The Naked Christian" and it's bringing up a lot of my own short comings & it's making me want to further avoid being part of the "they". It's so easy to slip back into old patterns of thought & behavior. But I know with God, even a messed up day or week or year or life, can be turned around if we choose to allow love to reign in our hearts.

Teach.

Older women likewise are to be… teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3-5)

Broken bread.

"During communion, I couldn't help but notice the crumbs that kept falling from the bread basket. The spent body cracking and breaking onto the floor. I felt a sense of awe at the extravagance of the plenty, enough to spill over. And we all are taking our morsel and longing for nourishment beyond what we see and feel of this place. It's a mysterious meal. Something feels extravagant that the broken bread has an overflow of crumbs, and overflow of brokenness it doesn't try and hide. It feels like we may all be okay. The enough-ness of the meal in all of its simple frugality is hard to understand. Jesus is enough. He must be enough. He will sustain us through bottoms, tops, victories and failures. The place to be broken, the place to rejoice, the landing place to meet the worst of ourself and be met.... "

The above quote is from this link ^^^^ they are not my words. They are the words of a beautiful woman, Kara Tippetts. 

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/2/9/spring-tickle

THIS IS WHY COMMUNION/SACRAMENT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! IT IS FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. 

NO MATTER WHAT. 

NO MATTER WHAT SIN HAS BEEN COMMITTED. 

FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS THERE FOR US TAKE. 

ALWAYS. 

I AM NOT SURE IF THAT WORD IS FULLY GRASPED BY HUMANS. 

JESUS SAID HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOTE FORSAKE US. 

NEVER. 

WHICH CAN BE FLIPPED TO SAY --

HE IS ALWAYS THERE. 

ALWAYS WAITING. 

ALWAYS REACHING FOR US. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM JESUS. 

LET THAT SOAK INTO YOUR SOUL. 

REMEMBER THAT WE ALL MESS UP. 

WE ALL MAKE GRAVE MISTAKES. 

MISTAKES THAT CAN ALTER OUR LIVES. 

MISTAKES THAT HURT OTHERS. 

MISTAKES THAT GRIEVE THE HEART OF OUR CREATOR. 

BUT GUESS WHAT? 

If God is in it, it's not over. 

If your heart is truly repentant. 

Then you are forgiven. 

Find a church that allows you to take communion and find true forgiveness. 

They exist. 

And there are beautiful people waiting to help you meet Jesus in a real way. 

I urge you to seek CHRIST. 

You will find Him if you truly seek after HIM. 

STOP TRYING TO PLEASE MAN & ABIDE BY THEIR RULES AND REGULATIONS. 

STOP BELIEVING THE LIE THAT ALL SORTS OF CHURCH DOCTRINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN. 

IT ISN'T. 

If you long for something more. 

If you long to feel forgiven. 

If you long to find peace. 

If you've made mistakes. 

If you want to move forward. 

If you want healing for your soul. 

Jesus is near. 

He is waiting for you. 

For me. 

For everyone. 

❤️

>>> TWO <<<

B

I cannot believe our first born is two! I finally got around to editing his two year mini session. We are trying to save money so I decided to take photos myself. 

We will get some professional photos this summer! 

Just wanted to share the photos. It's bedtime for this tired mama. 

Star of wonder, Star of Light...

Why a tree?? 

I did tons of research before I was married and after. And we really weigh what to do and what not to do when it comes to traditions and things for our family. Where does God want us?? What does HE want us doing/not doing. 

And my big thing is things aren't evil. Trees. Decorations. Etc. The heart of man is evil. Man turns inanimate objects into dirty, evil, things. And if in my house we bless our tree and we change the meaning of it, for us, then Some pagan idiots from years passed aren't the reason for OUR tree.
My mom made the tree about CHRIST growing up. She changed the meaning for us because she could. She made everything about Jesus.  Because that's the beauty of the gospel, really. Everything in life can relay back to Jesus Christ..

Beautiful trees that God made don't HAVE to represent evil or paganism or anything else we despise. We talked about how Jesus was born. How he laid in a manger. How he died on a cross. About how that manger and cross were made of wood. Sure it wasn't the exact same wood as the tree in our house. But it made us think about Jesus and what great love he poured out by coming here as a baby born just the same way as we were. She talked about how Jesus takes us and transforms us and lavishes his love upon us. And our lost soul goes from needy and dirty and tattered to brand new and clean and healed. And the tree represented that beauty to me. I remember thinking of it that way. We decorated the tree and sang all the great holy Christmas carols. They make me cry and I listen to them all year. We tied it in and made our own traditions. In SC, avoiding worldly things was all the rage in a big way. People boycotted everything. But in our house with a Christian mom, She went with the flow & my dad loves Christmas so she made memories and gave us four kids a childhood of joy. She knew that one day we would be here and things wouldn't be the same.

Every year at this time, no matter what, I have so much fun and joy fills the air. The man selling the Christmas trees was so friendly and kind. I heard him say tons family, he loves seeing smiling children as they pick a tree. And jump up and down for joy. Elijah was in awe of all the trees. I get excited thinking about what he will say as he is older. Because I will explain to him that God made everything. He made so much beauty for us to enjoy. My mom always asked us questions about God and we had such profound answers as toddlers/young kids. We pretended that we were shepherds and the angel on the top of our family tree was the choir of angels finding us in the field. Some of my most cherished memories. We tied a star to a long stick and pretended we were following it to Jesus. One Christmas my sister was born, dec 20, and that was amazing. My brother said, "we have our own baby on Christmas. Mom you are like Mary" it was the sweetest most tender moment. Him realizing a little more about God. 

Elijah is young so he doesn't understand much. He knows we pray before food and bed and when we leave the house and anytime we feel we need to. But even that he's not fully grasping quite yet. But he's so into it whenever we do it. 

Christmas is special to me. I do my best to keep my Christ eyes open all year. And especially this year. Christmas and all the fun activities have been such a blessing.  All sorts of bad things can be happening but then Christmas arrives and God has helped us all have fun moments and memories. And reminded us that it's okay to have fun amidst stress and pain. We don't have to sit and be sad constantly. Which is easy to do. Because sometimes life feels like watching a car crash that we can't stop. The harsh reality of people you love not choosing Jesus. And what that truly means for their souls. Terrifies me. But no one can force anyone to love Jesus-- To see the truth. 

We choose. 

We've had Some amazing photo opportunities. Some from getting our tree are the best photos I've ever taken. And just all around joy.

I don't want to be a part of the crowd and do things I shouldn't do. But making memories and being together, having fun looking at my sparkly tree with all the special ornaments on it doesn't make it a pagan thing. (Kaleb and I buy each other a special ornament every year we started it when we were dating). Because we aren't pagan. That tree is just a teeny tiny reminder of the majesty of my Savior. And I love looking at the intricate details of pine trees. They are my favorite. Such perfection and symmetry. 

And when it's done inside we will put it by our big picture window and we will decorate for the birds. It's so fun! Maybe it will even attract a cardinal! That would be my Christmas miracle. I love cardinals.

We all have to weigh and search our souls. And for me, where there is joy and love and smiles and laughter in my life, there is God. Because I seek the Kingdom first and watch as God works miracle after miracle. The day we had planned to get our tree was 55 degrees in December! I was so thankful and amazed. We were able to make an amazing day out of it. We've never gotten a real tree. And I thought it would be a fun tradition to start. Christmas tree cutting photos every year. 

And I see God in it all. He's right there. Leading us and helping us. He always is. And protecting our hearts and showing us how to cherish one another. And we've been budgeting for money but isn't about gifts this year. God really blessed us with great deals and yard sale finds and generous people and family. It helped us out tremendously. All of that is because God works in people's hearts and if it takes Christmas traditions to soften people and so on, that's okay.

Many Blessings!

Nineteen

Gina --

I know this (Taylor Swift - Never grow up) is about a mother & daughter but every time I hear it, I think of you as a smiley, happy chubby baby! And then I cry because that was so long ago. Time always keeps marching on. It is how God designed life on earth. It isn't easy but I understand it's the way it has to be. I wish I would've understood that better when I was your age. 

And as the oldest sibling, I grew up first, had to get jobs & go to college. I couldn't stay home and just be a sister anymore. And some days I was so sad about that.  And yet I wasn't the best example & I could have made better choices once I left home. And for that, I have regrets and I'm so sorry. You deserved better. 

 But this song brings me back to all the wonderful moments you and I had that you don't remember. How I refused to put you down even when my arms were going numb. I remember being jealous of mom because she nursed you. And I couldn't hold you when you were hungry and I told myself that one day I would hold my own baby and feed them from my chest.

 All of these the moments, they happened before the world became a reality to you or me. Before we were aware that bad things happen & before we knew meanness & selfishness. Before we truly knew what people are capable of and what we ourselves are capable of. Those moments were before I had chosen bad paths, especially smoking cigarettes - gross. All of those moments happened when all we knew was love. 

All of my memories with you as a baby, toddler, tiny little girl, they are all perfect. They are pure and beautiful memories. Mom made sure our childhood was spectacular. That's the special part about siblings, we were able to experience that childlike wonder and imagination together. And as we grew up she knew one day we would see the world for what it truly is. And we would know all the truths she didn't want us to face as children. 

And that's where we sit today. We sit knowing that people don't always choose to love us. They don't always put others first. They lie. They cheat. They steal. They drink too much and too often. They get addicted. They say they love you & then walk away from you as if you're worthless. And then we know the scary reality --- if we aren't careful, if we don't watch our choices and ask God for help & follow what the Bible says, WE can become part of the crowd. We can become the "they" I speak about. I have been part of the crowd. It's easy to get lost. It's easy to stumble around life trying to stop the pain. It's easy to wish people chose us and take those wishes & bury them. And put bad choices on top of those wishes. 

BUT it is also possible to choose differently - To cling to the light of Jesus - to shine even when the darkness closes in - to choose to love people - to be better than yesterday - to trust Jesus - to choose family - to look to the cross - to do what is right and good - 

We choose. 

There are things in life we don't choose. God has handed them to us. We are given the siblings we have by God. And we have to do our best to cherish them. With you and Kiah by my side as friends and sisters, I have it all. I know we can get through this next year. We can lean on each other & cry and laugh. And push each other off of beds and bug each other inappropriately. And take ridiculous selfie montages. And we can snuggle and fight for what is right. And we can pray our way through any disasters - emotional or physical.

 

I say all of this because I want you to know how proud I am of YOU! In spite of your circumstances, you keep going. Even though I know you want to freak out because that is a normal response to pain, anger and sadness. And sometimes it's completely okay to meltdown. That was often my response. I freaked out. But You have chosen a good path. A path of hard work and determination. A path of dedication and faithfulness. And I know you have doubts and life starts to weigh on you. But I want you to know that it's incredible what you are doing and who you are becoming is so beautiful. Because you have always been beautiful.

And I am here. It's my duty and privilege to be here - 

to be here for you whenever you need me. Don't ever hesitate to ask.  

I don't ever want you to feel as if you aren't enough or that you have to change who God made you to be. Often the world and people make us feel small and they take what is good and beautiful about us and try and smash it. They try and change it. It's one of the tactics the enemy uses to push us away from our faith and our love for ourselves. The way we look, the personality we have, God made those. He does not make mistakes. I love that we are different. And that I have this crazy beautiful sister who makes people stop & stare. If I am honest, sometimes, I am jealous of your stature and beauty. But I take my own advice and know I am, who I am meant to be. We are perfectly made by God.

 And I even love that everyone thinks I'm YOUR little sister. 

BECAUSE  

YOU are my sweet & sensitive, thoughtful, talented, smart, tall, stunningly & overwhelmingly - beautiful-beyond-words, sister whom I love with everything I am! 

I truly can't express it fully. BUT I hope this did my feelings some justice. 

HAPPY 

NINETEENTH 

BIRTHDAY, 

DEAR HEART.