Goodbye, for now.

God promised at the birth of time,

A special friend to give,

His time on earth is short, He said,

So love him while he lives. 

It may be for eight or ten years,

Or only two or three,

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for Me? 

A wagging tail and cold wet nose,

And silken velvet ears,

A heart as big as all outdoors,

To love you through the years. 

His puppy ways will gladden you,

And antics bring a smile,

As guardian or friend he will,

Be loyal all the while. 

He'll bring his charms to grace your life,

And though his stay be brief,

When he's gone the memories,

Are solace for your grief. 

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But lessons only a dog can teach,

I want you each to learn. 

I've looked the whole world over,

In search of guardians true,

And from the folk that crowd life's land,

I have chosen you. 

Whatever love you give to him,

Returns in triple measure,

Follow his lead and gain a life,

Brim full of simple pleasures. 

Enjoy each day as it comes,

Allow your heart to guide,

Be loyal and steadfast in love,

As the dog there by your side. 

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call,

To take him back again? 

I fancy each of us would say,

Dear Lord, thy will be done,

For all the joys this dog shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run. 

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay. 

But should the angels call for him,

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand. 

If by our love we've managed,

God's wishes to achieve,

In memory of him that we have loved,

And to help us while we grieve; 

When our faithful bundle departs,

This earthly world of strife,

We'll get yet another pup,

And love him all his life.

Be honest

If I have ever been your friend or ever cared about you, my love doesn't end. Life may take us different ways but my caring level doesn't change. 

People come and go in our lives. That's how it works. We love them while they are with us face to face. People move. People get married. People travel. People die. 

People take many different paths, in different directions, but that doesn't mean I stop caring. It just means the season has passed. Life has to move forward and we don't live close or we get busy with work or school. 

I was raised to love with my whole heart. And being Italian helps also. It's a harsh reality in which other people often don't care as deeply. 

I care and love so many people I have encountered in my life. And I will continue to do so even when I find out I didn't mean as much to them. In fact, I didn't mean anything to them because they can easily walk away. 

 I won't regret loving anyone or being honest. Because that's what Christ calls us to do. 

Listen to your child

Deep issues people battle can be caused by a number of things. A combination of flaws because this world is broken. But from reading and knowing people struggling with identity issues, I've come to the conclusion that many emotional issues we have, they stem from childhood. It can be as simple as never being listened to or as serious as sexual abuse. Lately, my son wants to pretend to be a baby, he floats in and out of his "baby" character and sometimes he says he is mommy while he's wiping the table, or he wants to be a dog or cat. In 10 minutes he can be all of these things. And to me it's just playful and his mind works fast. To the world, they would want to label him (ADD, ADHD, etc) and some would tell me not to play along. But I think, if I belittle his mind now as it is just turning on, what will that do? 

When I see parents belittling a child or yelling instead of listening, I think of that child as an adult. I say a prayer of protection over that child. With lost and confused people, my first thought is "what happened to you when you were young" or even what didn't happen? How were they damaged? 

Big boy bed

Elijah chose to sleep in his own bed tonight. I laid beside him for 10 mins and he dozed off. I was told that co-sleeping leads to super clingy kids who never leave their parent's bed. As this chapter slowly closes, I regret nothing. And I miss him already even though this is the natural way it's supposed to be.  

Animals

I've spent a lot of time thinking this week, as I've had a cold. And I couldn't do much but survive the week. Too much TV in this house the last 5 days. // what struck me in such a profound way is how Elijah has changed so much since we moved to our homestead. We have 3 dogs, two cats, 1 bunny, 3 baby chicks (soon to be 18). There's a whole new part of Elijah's personality that has surfaced. One that we would have never seen without having animals. He is kind and wants to love every living thing. He sometimes loves a little hard and we have to teach him to be soft and gentle. I love seeing these new facets of Elijah's personality showing through. He is better for knowing how to care for animals. I love his open heart. He isn't afraid to love and be friendly. I pray as he grows, his love for Jesus and God's creation overpowers the negativity and this cold hearted world. #blessed.

Today's tiny thought

I've been told that my breastfeeding photos are offensive by several people. And that a toddler nursing is even more disgusting than a baby. // But this is my life with our son. I'm not going to hide. Because it's wonderful and beautiful and fleeting. Whenever he feels insecure, anxious, mad, sad, happy (etc.) he knows he can find solace and comfort near my heart. He's slowly weaning himself. Usually he nurses maybe twice a day, if that. I trust that he will stop when he feels confident to do so. // A breastfeeding mother doesn't need negativity in regards to her decision to nurse. No mother needs the negativity. I've just found that nursing moms tend to get more comments here in MN because we are the minority. It isn't kind and it isn't fair to judge what you don't understand. #blessings 

Teeth & Loss

This all started last summer. I noticed one day that Elijah's top teeth didn't look quite right. Even with brushing and a diet free of candy and all things sugary, his teeth appeared to have cavities. 

Sure enough, I was right. And so we scheduled surgery for October 2014. It went splendid. Elijah got all four top teeth capped with little crowns. And his molars had tiny cavities that the dentist fixed. 

In December one of his crowns fell off. So we went back in and had it fixed. Which was horrible. Elijah cried and so did I. 

Then on Monday evening the same crown fell off again which flashed me right back to the last time. It was so terrible that I really felt like Kaleb had to come with us this time. 

So, Tuesday we took the soonest available appointment. 2:00 pm. And as they were examining his tooth the dentist found a sore that indicated an abscess. Which is an infection inside the tooth. They can affect bone and cause damage to his growing/forming permanent teeth. So they took an X-Ray and sure enough his right front tooth was abscessed. And the only solution is to pull the tooth. 

Devastating.  

Our poor baby. 

So we thought for a moment and prayed. And decided to just get it over with now. What was the point in rescheduling and coming back in a month? It is a 70 mile drive for us to the pediatric dentist. 

So we decided to use the child strap because it would be the easiest way to keep Elijah calm. Which looked like this --- ----- 

It was a great decision because it kept Elijah calm. Or I should say, more calm than if he was free to move around. 

We sang "Jesus Loves Me" & "Jesus Loves the Little Children" 

That helped a lot. 

It was all over in a matter of 15 mins. 

Thank the Lord. 

I did not watch the tooth being pulled but Kaleb did. I couldn't watch. I have seen a lot of gross medical things but I couldn't watch it happen to my Ebear. 

All last night and today I have cleaned and went about the day as usual. But every now and then this very strange sadness rolls over me. I can't exactly pin-point it. But I was asking God to help me figure my emotions out in regards to this loss of a tooth. 

My big question is WHY is it bothering me so much? 

What am I afraid of? 

Is this really a big deal? 

Am I THAT shallow that a missing front tooth makes me so sad for my son? 

And as I was driving to the post office it was as clear as day. As if God himself spoke & said 

"it's sad because IT IS SAD. Let yourself be sad and grieve." 

Yes, this is a small thing. I GET that. I fully understand that other parents have sick/dying/handicapped children. But that doesn't belittle the suffering God has called ME to walk through or the suffering he has called Elijah to endure.  

I also felt God whisper, it's fear. 

The fear of what people will think of us as parents. The judgment they might pass on us; The questions, the looks. Why does my two year old have a tooth missing? And now I fear the looks, thoughts and comments. This is America where so much is about our outward appearance. I don't want anyone to make fun of my child. I fear how I would react if that happened. I am glad I will homeschool when that time comes because public school can be harsh if you have all of your teeth. 

I usually don't fear things. But this journey, I have battled fear. And I don't want it to win. Because that allows the enemy space into my life and my soul. 

But God says, do not fear. So that will be my prayer every day, to let go of that fear. To rest in the truth of God. And the fact that nothing we did as parents caused this, Elijah just so happened to have weak baby teeth. 

I am getting a clear picture of my emotions about this whole situation. I LOVED his cute baby teeth. I enjoyed watching them sprout and grow. Then they had to be shaved down and capped. THAT was sad. Now his cute little tooth is gone. And my sweet, smiley boy is still the same, he's just missing a small thing. But it has changed what he looks like. 

I pray his adult teeth grow healthy and strong. They looked good on the X-ray. And hopefully they come in sooner rather than later. 

Until then, we walk in God's grace. I will turn my face to the sky and remember that God's love never changes. I love my son no matter what he looks like. But it is okay to feel sadness and allow myself the space to find a new normal. 

We all have been called to walk through things that aren't consequences. They are just part of a fallen, broken world. And Jesus meets us there with grace and mercy. And we can find what we need if we look for it and open our hearts to the beauty of it. 

I am so glad I take photos like a crazed lunatic. Because there are TONS. Thousdands. Of photos of Elijah prior to all of this. I have photos of his shoe given baby teeth and all the big smiles. And I have photos of his capped teeth and how Shiney and white they were. 

And now, when he's comfortable, we will have photos of his new smile. 

On a side note: Take your babies to the dentist & brush their teeth diligently. I'm glad I did so that I have no guilt about what I could've done to prevent this little tragedy. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9