This is a long one. But Ive been compiling this for a while. And I felt I needed to share it today. So here goes.
I realized as I am up at 5 am nursing my sweet baby girl, just how much life has changed in one year. Last year, today we didn't know who she was, we only knew that a new life was forming in my womb. And then, to think back on the last 8 years of my life, truly brings me to tears; happy tears.
The cliche saying about how a lot can change in one year, is true. With each passing year, so many things change. Most of them for the better which I am thankful for and doing my best to not take it all for granted.
I spent a decent portion of my youth, angry. Mad at the world, mad at God, mad at people, mad at myself and frankly, just plain angry most of the time. And that deep seeded anger lead to MANY mistakes. It lead to alcohol abuse, which lead to bad decisions, (cigarette smoking & marijuana smoking), broken hearts and wasted years. And even then, when I was at my worst, God brought me good friends to lean on and to help me survive. When I look back, I wasn't even really aware of what I was angry about. I just lived on the surface of my life. It was a very reactionary existence.
But, in the last 8 years, I studied and searched & I found the root causes for a lot of my inner turmoil. There's no need to hash that all out on social media. But the greatest thing, is that I feel free in my life these days. Free to love and give of myself. Free to talk about my faith and my love for Christ with whom ever, whenever for whatever reason. I feel peace about the future and about my past.
God has helped me see, that life is a journey. The broken roads we've all been down, are what make our salvation messages unique and powerful. We can each tell our story.
Our stories that might involve pain, failure, defeat, depression, anxiety, confusion, doubt, anger, addiction, and death, also contain healing, success, joy, strength, clarity, peace, freedom, endurance, sacrifice, courage, humility, life and LOVE. There's more but those are all things I've encountered. For each negative time, feeling or experience, God has brought me to the opposite place, to the place where love resides.
It started before I met my husband. I really wanted to change my life. And I knew the answer, because my mom had taught me the truth and lived her faith in Christ in front of us. I knew the way to change and the answers to my life were found in Jesus. I had just been running so far and so fast in the opposite direction.
Well in 2009, I saved up the cash and took a trip to Florida to see my grandparents. I quit smoking cold turkey. I worked out and sweat out all the yuck in my body. I chugged water and ate healthy. I prayed and I sought answers and found them. I began to dream again. I knew I wanted to finish college, I wanted to be married and one day be a mother. 3 months later I met Kaleb.
That's a different story for a different day. But in a nutshell, God moved mountains for us; literal and figurative mountains. He took both of our broken roads and had them intersect at just the exact right moment. People call it fate and others say coincidence. But I say, God. It was God. There were just too many moving pieces for it to be a chance encounter.
Now, fast forward 7 ½ years. I have 2 college degrees and here we are walking beside one another as spouses, friends and parents. It's not easy and it has brought us to knew depths as a couple and as individuals. But it's a beautiful life. Kaleb works hard outside of the home and I work hard inside our home. We aren't perfect and conflict arises. But at the end of the day, we are a team. With Gods help, we find a balance in it all.
We've also been entrusted with these beautiful, special tiny humans. I lay here, with my daughter snuggled in close. She's breathing ever so slightly. Right now, I am her whole world. Well, almost, she really does enjoy her daddy and the dogs. But above everyone else, she chooses me. ME. This imperfect, person who has hurt others and made mistakes. She chooses me. She leaps into my arms and trusts I will catch her. If she wakes up alone, she cries until she sees me. If she wakes up and I'm near her, she smiles and snuggles into my bosom. This experience as her mother is far different than things were with Elijah. He didn't need me in the same way. Yes, he loved to nurse but he didn't choose me above everyone else. He loved everyone he encountered. And he still does. If they were smiling or wanted to hold him he was into it. And he will be your friend for life. But River, it's a completely different experience. It's exhausted me to no end and stretched me as a mother. This tiny little girl has shown me a new depth into my relationship with Jesus. We are to look to him just as my daughter looks to me. I am the only one who can meet her needs. No one else. I AM the one. Thinking about that sentence, "I AM" lead me to look up all the different names associated with God and compare them to their original Hebrew meanings. Because God is referred to as "I AM" in the Bible.
And my mom and I have discussed this topic in the past and recently. {{{{SIDE NOTE: Which is cool, because this whole short novel I've written here has been in the works in my minds eye for a while. But my mom didn't know that when we discussed Gods names.}}}
Anyone who has studied other languages, knows that the rabbit hole is deep and there's a ton of information out there.
So here is what I found in a nutshell:
The name that stuck out to me most of all is El Shaddai (shad-dye).
•Shad - meaning breast or breasts. It signifies one who nourishes, supplies and satisfies.
•Dai - means shed forth or pours out. Which suggests provision, sustenance and blessing.
Words in Hebrew are intensified by the word El.
So El Shaddai is our All Abundant Sustainer.
Just as our sweet daughter, needs me for nutrition and sustenance to physically grow, she also needs the comfort of my arms and bosom to emotionally sustain her.
When I think of this in depth and in relation to God, it's overwhelming for my heart. This job I'm doing, raising my babies, is about more than this moment. It's about more than being tired. It's about more than existing on the surface of life. It's about more than how things look on the outside. It's about diving in with every fiber of my being. It's about realizing that these two precious little children need to be shown Gods love through me. And right now, while they are small, that means gathering them close and demonstrating that I'm always here for them. Just as God is right here for all of us, I'll be right here for them. They come first after my husband. And their needs are important even if that need is a 2 am nursing snack, and then another at 5 am, that's my job. That is my calling, for this time and place.
I recognize that it's about more than this moment. It's about loving them into adulthood. It's about more than food and it's about more than sleep or the lack of sleep. Being a mother is about more for me. It's about love in its deepest form. The love that is born from sacrifice. The biggest love of all, is setting yourself aside for the betterment of another person.
I want to look back and have zero regrets about how I acted as a mother. Grace helps in the moments I struggle or fall flat on my face. Gods grace is here to fill in the gaps of my humanity. It's here to remind me that perfection isn't the goal. Dedication, devotion and persistence are more important. And Love is the goal. Gods grace keeps me humble and reminds me that every morning we can get up and be better than yesterday.
And now Elijah is almost 4, I know breastfeeding ends. The moments are so fleeting and all of a sudden they don't need the breast. They grow past that facet and our relationship changes; Just as our relationship with Christ changes. There are new needs and different ways in which I as a mother must adapt and also grow.
As this year is coming to an end, all I can do is sit here and be thankful. My heart is so full and my soul feels glad. I spent so much time being wasted and upset and living a selfish existence. This new life I lead has brought a level of peace to my heart that is hard to put into words. There's no guilt or shame or doubts about where I am. All that anger has dissipated. Jesus has grounded me and planted my feet on a rock. I feel secure in Christ and also in my marriage. I'm more tired than I've ever been in my life. But I also have more joy than I've ever experienced. And when I need rest, the moments happen and I seize them.
I want everyone to know they can find a peace that sustains them and an overflowing joy in our Savior. It's real and it's an untethered, unbridled love that never ceases.
If you stuck with me and read this entire thing, thank you. This is my heart and soul out here for all to read.
No matter your struggle, let Jesus meet you on your broken road. And turn that broken road into a mended one.
I'm here if you ever want a listening ear or need prayer!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
