He's growing up...

As I watch Elijah play at parks this summer, it has hit me how fast a child stops needing help in certain ways. He says "no mom, I can do it by myself" and as a parent you take a step back and watch as they tackle things. It's healthy for them to grow and develop independence. But for myself there's this moment. A moment where I realize, as a mom, that specific task to help my child has ended. He can dress himself, climb up trees and up the rope ladder all by himself. My role is still vital but it changes, I become an encourager more than a helper. All the times I helped him, have lead him to be confident and independent in these areas. What a beautiful and heart wrenching process. Motherhood is all encompassing. I feel tired but also I feel so much joy. One day I feel overwhelmed by how much my baby needs me and I pray for the energy to get through the day. And now, here I sit, with a son who doesn't need me in the same way. That time has gone and I can't get it back. I'll never regret putting everything I have to give into these beautiful souls. This is the greatest calling and achievement of my life. It's above my education and any other earthly title I could ever achieve. And as long as I'm able, I will help them when they need me. // 

River's Birth Story

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior......”

Isaiah 43:2-3

River's journey earth side taught me many things. 

Patience 

Trust 

Self control 

It starts, May 31, 2016 at 1:30 am. I was 40 + 2. I woke with some light cramping and intense nausea. I wound up in the bathroom vomitting uncontrollably while also having contractions. Kaleb helped me set up camp on the bathroom floor while I continued to be sick through out rest of the wee hours of the morning. The contractions were staying 6-8 mins apart last 30-45 seconds. They weren't all encompassing. I could even sleep through them if I chose to. Kaleb decided to call in to work. With the nausea and vomiting, I couldn't properly care for myself or Elijah. Had it been light contractions and no nausea, Kaleb could have went to work. 

We let my mom, sisters and midwife know that we thought I was in early labor. I also told 4 close friends so they could be in prayer for this journey we had ahead. My moms job was to arrive with the fresh foods for the birth team and all of us. And my sister finished her work day and planned to make her 3 hour drive out to our house. 

The contractions stayed on the same "pattern" the entire day. They varied in intensity. I doubted they were real. But then I would have a more intense one and would think, ok this is the real deal. I was randomly nauseous through out the day also. The night of May 31st, they slowed down but the intensity was a bit stronger. Those contractions went on through the night. But only coming every half hour or so and lasting 45 seconds. I slept great in spite of the occasional contraction. The nausea had subsided. 

 June 1st, I woke up to some light contractions. So I went about my day normally, I stayed up and active as much as possible but also paid attention to my energy level. We hung clothes out to dry. Cleaned up and organized some things. Worked on a few tasks for my sisters wedding. I did not want to be exhausted if labor decided to move along. So we also took rest breaks. 

My mom was a huge help and took care of feeding us. We had a lovely chicken lunch with corn and green beans. 

Our midwife came over at 2pm and we had our 40 week visit. She confirmed what we thought, that my body was gearing up for labor and this was the early stage. 

So I decided to mow our lawn on the riding mower. That really got some good contractions going. I had to stop the mower and breath through a few. The bouncing on the mower really seemed to move baby down. 

After mowing, I took a quick shower to rinse the grass off and get rid of the smell of exhaust. 

I had some snacks and rested on the couch for a little while. 

Kaleb and Elijah went to bed around 8:30/9pm. 

My mom, sister and I ordered some wedding things online and made some decisions on some wedding details. That was fun! Around 10pm, the contractions completely stopped. I started to feel discouraged and was wondering what was going on. 

As we were sitting around my computer, Kaleb comes rushing down around 11pm carrying Elijah. And puts him in the tub. Elijah had thrown up all over the bed and pillows. So I set up camp in the living room for us. And proceeded to wash all the sheets and pillowcases. 

We decided it was best for my mom and sister to get some rest so at least someone would have energy to tackle tomorrow, if labor came back and even if it didn't, someone would be able to cook and keep life going. 

Elijah continued to throw up and dry heave until 4 am! Kaleb and I took turns helping Elijah. He was so scared and didn't want to puke. But his body was forcing it. 

As Elijah was battling this fast acting virus, it dawned on me, that the nausea and vomiting I experienced early Tuesday morning was probably an actual stomach virus and that vomitting induced contractions. 

I started feeling bad that my mom and sister had come and had been exposed to this yucky sickness. I prayed and prayed they wouldn't get it. 

Sometime around 4 am, Kaleb, Elijah and I all passed out. I still hadn't had any more contractions. 

June 2, 2016: 

I slept 4am - 7:30am when I was yanked out of sleep by a massive contraction. It was different than the rest and lasted 58 seconds. WOW! 

Side note: when I was pregnant with Elijah, we went to a New Years Eve gathering and I went into labor at 3 am Jan 1st, 2013. And this time we swore we would be diligent and go to bed early when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. And we had done so well. 

Which made the current situation on June 2nd, so comical. Because we swore we would be rested when baby made his/her arrival. But--- We were exhausted from being up with Elijah yet labor was coming on quite fast! 

I told Kaleb we better get the birth pool set up. And around 9:30 we started filling it up. (Silly us, we forgot the pool liner. Which meant a little more clean up afterwards). But we were so exhausted our minds weren't thinking clear. 

We let our midwife know around 8:30 am and she made her way to our house. All the while, I was actively contracting and moaning through some mega contractions. I put Lauren Daigle on my YouTube channel and zoned into her beautiful worship music. The midwife arrived at 10 am and started setting up her supplies. 

My sister applied counter pressure through each contraction, which was a life saver. It made ALL the difference. 

I decided to go to the bathroom and had a massive contraction and some bloody show. OUCH! I do NOT enjoy laboring on the toilet. 

I came back and said, "I hate laboring on the toilet. It makes me want to lunch kittens and I love cats!" 

Everyone laughed. 

We discussed checking my dilation so I could get in the pool if I was far enough along (5 cm +). She checked me at 11:20am and I was 8 cm! She said my cervix was so soft and was so close to being fully dilated! I was in complete awe! I hadn't had THAT many contractions. And they hadn't doubled up at all! They were consistently 1 minute long and coming every 3-4 mins. They were VERY strong but because of my previous experience with a much more intense labor (back to back contractions for 8-10 hours) I was waiting for that type of intensity. The kind that is debilitating. We told our photographer to make her way to our house. 

I proceeded to get into the pool around 11:30am. The 99° water was mesmerizing. I got on my knees and rested my chest on the side of the pool. My body relaxed and then I had a contraction (number 1) that caused a LOT of pressure. Then, I had a few more minutes of relief and a contraction (number 2) where I felt baby moving down. When I reached down, my waters were bulging and with a POP type feeling they burst! That was so amazing to feel the waters rush out. The pool water was slightly warmer than body temperature so the waters felt cool as they hit my fingers. I rested my body on the edge of the pool and waited for another contraction. And when that contraction (number 3) hit, I felt so much pressure. And I got scared from the feeling and the fact that my body had taken over. I yelled some and also said "I'm so scared. Idk why I'm so scared". And I teared up. But my body was going for it. And everyone was so sweet and reassuring and said it's ok. I held Kalebs hand really tight. I wasn't pushing at all, my body did all of the work on its own. That 3rd contraction ended. I rested again by leaning into the pool. And then, another contraction (number 4) came and I was out of my head, such an out of body experience for me. And just like that her head was out. My midwife told me to reach down and feel my baby. What an amazing feeling. There was so much hair! I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I felt her cheeks and they were so soft and chunky. I was leaning back on my mom and I breathed and waited for the next contraction. When it came (number 5), I felt the baby turning and her shoulder came out. Then I felt an odd feeling, like baby was stuck. And my body just turned to the left and in an instant baby was born at 11:57 am! Our midwife scooped her up. Because I had turned onto my left side when I felt baby was a tiny bit stuck, the baby was behind me so they helped me lift my leg and then got the cord back between my legs. And placed baby on my chest! We we so excited that for a second we forgot to look what we had, boy or girl!? So I looked - IT'S A GIRL! 

And just like that - River Erin Holzhauer came into the world, with a splash! 

8 lb 13 oz

21 inches long

16 inch head 

I can't believe it was only 5 contractions in the birth pool and she was born! 

It was 3 minutes & 30 seconds from the number 4 contraction that pushed her head out until the 5th one that expelled the rest of her body! 

I was only in the pool for 27 mins before she arrived! 

No tears needing stitches for me, just some micro years that will heal up! I'm so grateful!

She came so fast that our photographer was still en route. But she came anyways and took some amazing photos of the placenta delivery and River still attached to her tree of life. And grabbed some fun shots of the both space and some family shots. I am so glad we sought out a professional photographer! 

My sister and Kaleb did get some good photos with my Nikon. I'm so glad I had it charged and ready to go! 

We had forgotten to charge our video camera. BUT Kaleb grabbed it and quick got it charging. He was able to capture the exact 3.5 mins of River being born! I am so grateful to God for the camera having the EXACT amount of battery power! Such a beautiful God moment. I've been saying God kept the camera going just long enough to capture those fleeting 3 minutes! I will cherish it forever. 

River and I hung out in the tub for a while. And we took some fun photos. 

Elijah came in from playing outside. That's where he was when River was being born. He was in his sandbox. Praise God, that Kaleb built him a sandbox! 

And my sister snapped some fun family photos of us. Elijah ran to the living room and grabbed one of his favorite red Hotwheels cars and gave it to River. And said the car was for baby. He reached to touch her head and said "oh baby is hot! No touch! Baby is wet!"  He really doesn't like hot water and she was pretty warm. He was definitely interested in her but also a bit apprehensive. So he ran off to play some more. He came back over and made sure baby had her car. It was so cute! My mama heart was bursting with so many feelings! 

We waited a bit for the placenta but I was  so relaxed in the water, I couldn't push or feel contractions. And River was starting to get a bit cold. So we transitioned to the couch. We waited for 1.5 hours for the placenta. I didn't want to cut the cord until the placenta was delivered. I wanted photos of River attached to her Tree of Life. 

•••

Revelation 22:1-2

Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.

•••

The Placenta was harder work than delivering River. But such a relief once it was finally out! 

•••

Psalm 46:4

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.

•••••• 

The days of early labor taught me about patience and waiting on God for his perfect timing. I was starting to get frustrated after Elijah started throwing up and then I vented my frustrations and was able to let them go and pray and persevere with Gods help.  

I was able to really lean into God and trust that He had us all in His hands. And He knew exactly when our baby was meant to enter this world. 

When I had early labor, my mom and sister really helped me to stay active but to also take time to relax. It helped me to remember that having self control is worth it in the end. I tend to want to over do things and keep going and going. But being at peace and being calm is so much better than getting in a frenzy and freaking out! 

•••

Elijahs labor was 30 hours and Rivers active labor was 4.5 hours! I'm not counting the days of early labor because they really didn't cause me any discomfort or pain. 

I'm so thankful for all of the prayers from my wonderful friends & family, near and far! Rivers birth was such a healing process! I was able to reach new depths and find strength I didn't know I had. There was such a pure and tangible presence of God in the room as everyone encouraged and helped me bring River earthside. It was such a holy experience. As I look back on yesterday, I envision all the prayers prayed over the past several months and years, all bombarding together to create the most beautiful masterpiece - Rivers birth. 

Psalms 36:5  Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalms 89:8 O LORD God of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you?

Psalms 119:90 Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast.

<< more photos to come from my big camera and the photographer >>

For now, here's two from my sisters phone.  

Hind sight // God's plan

Joseph's story in the Bible is one of my favorites. Joseph must've been so scared to be sold into slavery. He must have been sad and angry many times through out his life. Because other people a used their power and hurt him.

It reminds me that hind sight is a funny thing. As we are in the midst of something painful, sad, confusing or frustrating (or all of the above) it's easy to forget about God. Or it's easy to think he's forgotten me. But that's our flesh and that's me attributing human characteristics to God. People let us down. People forget us. But God. God does not. He just doesn't. And when we look back after the hard time has passed, if we've been following God through it, we can see all the beauty he revealed. We can look back and see His hand was over us the entire time. There was a point to the suffering. And there was a purpose for the pain. It molds us and changes us and stretches us to new depths. His plan and His will for my life is good. 

Elijah's sleep

Last night for the first time, Elijah didn't wake up from his bedroom and come into our bed. I can't help but feel sad. It's the slow fade of his babyhood. At the same time, I have no regrets in how we coslept. Everyone told me he would NEVER want to leave our bed. And he would never learn how to self regulate his sleep. Clearly, that was false. What is different, is I haven't been in a rush to force him to sleep alone until he was ready. Here we sit, having accomplished what I knew would just happen in HIS time; God's time and Elijah's, not mine, not the so called experts'. He loves his big boy bed. There's been no major battles. No nights of crying it out. If anything, it's been a ridiculously smooth transition. Considering the blogs and anecdotes I've read/heard about sleep training. We've had none of that. But that could be because there's been absolutely NO sleep training in this house. But mysteriously our child learned how to sleep through the night. The only reason he wakes in the night in his room is because he kicks the covers off and his hands get cold. It's amazing that sleeping through the night happens naturally if we allow it to unfold. Infants and small toddlers aren't designed to sleep solidly through the night. They need to know they are safe and secure. Who knew that humans were designed to sleep at night. (Hint of sarcasm) #momlife #insincts #patience 

Newborn life is easy. *gasp* Did she just say what I think she did?

Proverbs 31:25-30

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” ...

When you're pregnant people tell you, enjoy sleep while you can. I don't say that to pregnant women. You know why? Because being the mother of a newborn is easy. Yup, I said it. (keep reading to understand my point) It's a walk in the park with a cool breeze and a sweet tea in hand. Sleeping when the baby sleeps was phenomenal. Cosleeping, nursing round the clock, and endless snuggles was bliss. Sure there were lots of diaper changes and blowouts. The baby might cry or need some special attention. They may be colicky. 

As the mother, you may have to give up some things to create a solid nursing relationship. I had to give up dairy. I do not drink caffeine, haven't since 2009. I had to give up citrus, garlic, onions, peppers, pretty much every spice, salt, refined sugars and tomatoes. And I'm probably forgetting some things. But it was all worth it. And it wasn't hard. It was necessary. 

We create these children by having sex do we not? Is it their fault they exist? No. They didn't choose it. We did. Our choices created them. Then they arrive & often they are not put first. And then, their needs aren't properly met & their behavior changes for the worst and they cry too much and don't sleep through the night. They want to be held and how dare they act hungry all the time! How dare they take up our time! People act as if babies are manipulating the situation. When really they are just desperately needing things that only a mother can give! 

I tell mothers to enjoy being pregnant for you don't know what the future holds. It could be the only chance you get to experience it. I tell them, to enjoy the newborn and forget about the dishes. Cause guess what? It's been 30+ months and the dishes still get dirty. But having that precious time with Elijah is irreplaceable. I don't have to sit here with regrets or guilt about anything in regards to his development and how grounded & bonded he is to me and Kaleb. Which carries over into how grounded he is in life. He knows, in the night that we are near. He has never had to be away from the safety of his parents. 

Yes, in America we value sleep. Because we have these perfectly orchestrated, timed out lived. And babies interfere with the schedule. How dare they not conform!! An infant doesn't need a schedule. You know what they need? They need the constant presence of their mother. They need to sleep on her chest, hear her heartbeat, smell her, and feel her warmth. 

I tell mothers to enjoy newborn life because now I sit here and I'm exhausted. Being the mom of an extraordinary 2.5 year old little boy involves every emotion, everyday. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's fast. It's slow. It's in-between. It's spiritual. It's joyful. It's educational. Its hard. It's everything. It takes a skill set that is developed over time. The newborn stage, if approached naturally and without the American pathetic ideals in mind, is easy. Because it doesn't take thought, as much as it takes action. It takes being there. It takes sacrifice, yes. But the baby is immobile! They can't go anywhere! They can climb trees at warp speed, or run away or yell "no mama"!! Newborns need to be nourished, changed and HELD! Toddlers need everything. They are developing so many skill sets that will be theirs for a lifetime. And it's my job as full time mom to continue to nurture and guide Elijah so he is the best possible version of himself. The version that the Lord God intended when He knit him together in my womb. 

I tell mothers to soak up their newborn. Breath them in, let them be on your skin all the time and don't ever let society tell you the baby is a burden. Don't ever let them make you feel like your baby doesn't act right or perform according to the idiotic standards of modern day America. Because simply existing, the baby is doing exactly what he/she knows how to do. It's our job to give them their needs. They need us. 

 I am far more tired now then I ever was when Elijah was a baby. Babyhood is easy. Hold tight to that and enjoy every second!

Goodbye, for now.

God promised at the birth of time,

A special friend to give,

His time on earth is short, He said,

So love him while he lives. 

It may be for eight or ten years,

Or only two or three,

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for Me? 

A wagging tail and cold wet nose,

And silken velvet ears,

A heart as big as all outdoors,

To love you through the years. 

His puppy ways will gladden you,

And antics bring a smile,

As guardian or friend he will,

Be loyal all the while. 

He'll bring his charms to grace your life,

And though his stay be brief,

When he's gone the memories,

Are solace for your grief. 

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But lessons only a dog can teach,

I want you each to learn. 

I've looked the whole world over,

In search of guardians true,

And from the folk that crowd life's land,

I have chosen you. 

Whatever love you give to him,

Returns in triple measure,

Follow his lead and gain a life,

Brim full of simple pleasures. 

Enjoy each day as it comes,

Allow your heart to guide,

Be loyal and steadfast in love,

As the dog there by your side. 

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call,

To take him back again? 

I fancy each of us would say,

Dear Lord, thy will be done,

For all the joys this dog shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run. 

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay. 

But should the angels call for him,

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand. 

If by our love we've managed,

God's wishes to achieve,

In memory of him that we have loved,

And to help us while we grieve; 

When our faithful bundle departs,

This earthly world of strife,

We'll get yet another pup,

And love him all his life.

Sleep is a journey

I am a true believer that every child will find their sleep, in their own time. Ebear has been slowly finding his way to sleep. For almost a week now he has been saying "nigh night" while pointing to the bedroom. So we go into our bed, he is a little restless but we hold hands and and thank Jesus for protecting us while we sleep and we thank Him for our day. Elijah says "thankoo, jeesh ame" (thank you, Jesus amen) & then he slowly babbles himself to sleep while holding his teddy & then I transition him to his crib. I know in time he will be secure enough to fall asleep apart from me and K,

But for now, we are enjoying the cuddles, prayers and kisses. #GodisGood #goodnight 

Sleep changes.

My heart. 

My baby has hit some major milestones this week. 

People make such a huge deal about babies and their sleep schedules. 

Sleep train. 

Cry it out. 

Don't co sleep. 

Don't night nurse after infancy. 

The list goes on and on. And I ignored all the advice, judgments & rude comments. And I knew as Elijah's mother that in time, he would find his sleep pattern. We prayed together for God to help us sleep. And the past 3 days, Elijah has asked to take a nap & to go to bed. He is in our room with us. But I see now that letting him feel secure when it comes to sleeping has been so healthy. I can sit back & know that I didn't keep him at arms length. I didn't deny him my presence or Kaleb's. We let him bond & showed him we are with him. 

My theory about sleep has been proven to be a solid idea. Each child WILL find their sleep. But just as every other part of development, it is individual and specific to every child. We are, after all, each a unique person. 

If we spent less time discussing and planning how to get our babies to sleep, and we just enjoyed them and helped them feel secure, it would alleviate a lot of unwarranted anxiety. 

We bought a house

World Smile Day

This has been one of the longest days of our parenting career. I am so glad to be on the other side of it. I lay here in our warm bed so thankful. Thankful to God for sending me a great husband to care for our family. And to show God's love to our son. I am so thankful for our health. So many parents spend endless days & nights in hospital rooms, praying for their sick child. I am so thankful for the prayers of friends and family, near & far. It touches me that Instagram facilitates such a community. I cherish the friendships I have made. I digress,- this day has so many emotions. And I am still praying for the people involved in a terrible car accident as we drove back home from Mankato. I am so thankful for such a lovely & kind dentist. She made everything better for our sweet boy! And she told us we are great parents & to not worry about his teeth problems being our fault. I needed to hear that. I truly did. This whole day has been more proof that my Father in Heaven is watching & taking care of us. 

My job.

How we treat our kids is most important. As the world systematically crushes the hearts of children, it's our job as parents to teach & show our children that God is for them. 

The above statement came to me as I watched my son wave and smile at a passerby who didn't return the gesture. And this isn't the first time I've observed this type of interaction. If we are out in public, it happens often. Usually, I say, "are you saying hi Elijah?"  Then and only then do the people change their facial expressions from blank/annoyed. And they give a smile or a wave and maybe just maybe say hello. 

It hit me that it's my job as Elijah's mother (and my husband's) to show him that he's special. And that being friendly is always the right thing to do. 

We must model this behavior for him. Because clearly the world and the people living in it, will not always be as kind. But we have to press on and continue to be kind without expecting anything in return. 

I can see that it would be easy to get discouraged as a child. Especially one who is just learning to communicate. He tries to and people just stare at him like he's an alien. Seriously, people react more to puppies and kittens then they do to my son! 

And maybe it's the area in which we live. I sure hope so. I hope people are more friendly in less harsh of climates. But that isn't where we live. We live here. Here in MN where people can be very cold. And people tend to be antisocial unless they are drunk. 

But no matter what. It's still my job to impart God's love to my child(ren). 

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 

A reminder

This is my new favorite spot. I found this clump of trees lining a dirt road while I was driving around last week. This day, I was a little frustrated because Elijah had been fighting naps. Even though he was acting tired and cranky, he wouldn't relax and sleep. So I stuck him in his car seat. That will always do the trick. He can't resist sleep in his #combi seat! I'm so glad my husband let me get the compact orange seat! We had quite the debate about which seat to purchase. Anyways, as I was driving, I stumbled upon this road and these trees. And they have been a huge blessing. They have brought me such peace & sparked my creativity. And they have been a reminder of God's love and attentiveness. He pays attention to us and if we keep our eyes open and our hearts soft, our soul is receptive to His voice. And He calms our hearts and eases our worries. Beauty is out there to find. But we have to choose to see it. 

Always

I will never be done sharing how Jesus has changed me. And made me new. And taken away the guilt and pain and shame of my past. And how the joy of The Lord has filled my heart. 

I was never trying to fight. 

Simply spreading hope to anyone who wants it.

But I've put in the effort. The daily renewing of my mind. Daily finding new ways to see beauty. 

I also had to make choices. Stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs and openly and blatantly sinning and being vulgar and gross. 

All my choices lead me down a dark path. And then by God's grace, I couldn't take it anymore and I chose to let God have my heart instead of the world. 

Those choices and the knowledge of knowing that every day is a new day and Jesus loves and forgives me when I stumble, all of it together has lead me to here and now. 

It isn't something that magically happened over night. And it wasn't by chance. I sought hard and still do. 

I chose to stop the party life and choose to go to church and praise God. And listen to Bible teachers. And truly repent and let my heart be softened. 

It isn't something I take lightly. 

But it is something, I love sharing. And I love helping other people find a relationship with Jesus. It's what life is all about.

There is always hope.

READ THIS, AND TELL ME THERE IS NO HOPE FOR PEOPLE BATTLING DEPRESSION----

ROMANS 8:1-39

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you. Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:1-39 NIV)

Fight

Tragic events should make us sit back and take stock of our lives. 

They should make us pull our blinders off and really look around.

 Maybe, we should be nice to the cashier at Walmart or smile at a toddler as he waves violently and smiles and says hi hi hi. 

Or I don't know, maybe look at the people around us and take the grimaced off of our faces. 

When we bump into someone, we should say excuse me. We should stop driving with such intense rage. 

As we go about our day to day lives, we should be paying attention for every opportunity to share God's love in whatever way, shape or form we can. Life is short and we take it for granted. We also walk around ignoring the fact that their is an evil one lurking, waiting in the darkness. And he wants us to stay in our selfish comfort zone. He wants us to ignore the people around us. He wants hurting people to feel isolated. He wants to trick them into thinking that they aren't loved and that death is the answer. Then he sits back and laughs as everyone left behind is in pain. And he feels like he has accomplished something great. But those of us who have Satans number, those of us who know his tricks, we can be the light. Darkness must flee in the presence of light.  We can continue to wage war against evil. We can love our neighbors and be kind to our enemies. And we can make Satan quiver and keep his demons in hell where they belong. 

Instead of wishing peace to someone who is no longer breathing, we should be bringing peace to our communities. We should be praying for the people still on earth who are broken. We should be embracing one another. We should be claiming our cities in Jesus' name. We should be blessing our fellow man. 

We should fight for life. 

Today's thoughts on friendship

Do you ever have those days where past hurts creep back in?
A day where Something reminds you of an old friendship?
A day where the Memories are hard to shake? You can do your best to stuff them down. Do your best to forget all the fun times, all the I love yous, all the BFF moments, all the hang outs, all the late night driving sessions venting about men, all the future planning, all the phone calls, all the movies we watched, all the paper letters we wrote, all the prayers we prayed, the times we went to church together, all the late nights, all the dinner dates, all the sleep overs and all the talks.
 But somedays it is hard.
Hard to shake.
These days I pray.
I pray for you.
I pray that you find comfort even though this has been a painful year for you.
I pray that God is near to you as you plan your wedding. As it approaches I pray that you see the Lord in all of the little miracles that happen.
I pray for you.

Feelings creep back in and You wonder how a person could be a friend for so long and then just decide you don't matter at all. 

Facebook doesn't help either because you see too much of a person's life. Before Facebook when friendships ended you never saw that person again. But now it isn't that way. I contemplate unfriending but that would be hurtful to the other person. But then I wonder why I care considering my feelings were crushed for no good reason. 

No

Good

Reason 

Today was one of those days for me. Where everything reminds me of an ex-friend. Not an ex-boyfriend but an ex-best friend. Someone you thought was going to be a lifelong friend. The kind of friend where you have them in your wedding and you are in theirs. 

I cried today thinking about things. 

Whenever I have one of these days, I give the sad negative feelings to God (metaphorically lay them at the foot of the cross) and I pray for peace and love to fill the spaces where the sad feelings were residing. 

I will continue doing this for as long as I need. 

I am thankful that the hurt days are fewer and farther apart. 

And I am thankful that God is faithful and loves me even when other people blatantly disregard my feelings. 

I also pray that I don't stop being friends with people that haven't done anything to me. I mean, I would understand if I had done something to deserve to be cut out of someone's life. But I didn't. What I did do was choose Jesus instead of alcohol. I chose Jesus over the party. I chose Jesus over sin. And my friend decided that the world was far far more important than our friendship. That is the hard part. Sitting back and watching as someone chooses the world instead of me.
I never meant to make my friend feel guilty by choosing to leave the worldly life behind. But that is what happened when I was open and honest and said I was no longer able to stand by and watch as she sins openly and in public.
I felt guilty enough that I had wasted so much time at bars and at parties.
That is the risk we take when we decide that JESUS is more important than the party. 

Ok. It's late and I've run out of the ability to make good and proper sentences. 

Goodnight & God Bless! 💜

To my Mother in Law

I made a list of all the things I want to thank you for and I wanted to have it typed up and ready for Mother's Day. But that didn't happen. :)

So today is better than never!

Many of these things are in relation to the man you raised who is my husband. 

THANK YOU, for, being the kind of mother who let's her children explore and get dirty. Kaleb is not afraid of dirt and the outdoors. He loves being outside and he will pass that onto our children. 

THANK YOU, for, developing his food palette. What I mean by this is, Kaleb is the least picky eater I have ever known. He eats everything and loves it all! That is rare. And I know it's partly because of your cooking and also because you didn't allow him to be picky. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" ;) 

THANK YOU, for, being supportive even when the decisions Kaleb made took him further away from you. Because you supported him when he played sports as a child it lead him to become a man who can take risks and chances. He is confident and secure. You supported him even when he decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. I can never fully express my gratitude. Your son is far away from you and your family and that isn't easy. But you haven't ever made him feel bad for his choice to be here with me. And I am eternally grateful because K has changed my life and I am a better person for knowing him. And now we have E!

THANK YOU, for, all of the baby clothing for E! While I was pregnant it was so fun to get packages in the mail! And E wore the clothes and shoes all the time! He is still wearing the things he hasn't grown out of! 

THANK YOU, for, sending us cute cards! They make our days brighter; Especially in the winter time! 

THANK YOU, for, entrusting me with your friendship. And for being open and honest and truthful. I truly feel like our last trip to visit we were really able to get to know each other's hearts. And I know we will continue to build on our relationship. I have nothing but hope for the future! 

THANK YOU, for, being accepting of my love for God. And respecting how important Jesus is to me and to our family. It makes all the difference. K would not be the man of God that he is today if he didn't have your support. 

THANK YOU, for, shopping with me and garage saling with me. They are beautiful lasting memories I will always cherish! 

THANK YOU, for, loving our son. I know it isn't easy to be so far from your grandbaby(ies)!

 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to think for himself and to stand up for what is important! And he is always ready to stand up for us if he needs to! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to be kind to others. He leads and guides our family with such grace and humility and patience. Cause let's face it, I can be difficult. Well, anyone can be, I suppose. :) 

THANK YOU, for, loving Kaleb and filling his love tank as a child. Together you and Tom raised a man who isn't afraid to love. And isn't afraid of his feelings. And that's because he was loves in your home growing up. And now he is able to have an example of love to show to me and E & to others he encounters. 

Above all---

THANK YOU, for, bringing K into this world! I have an amazing husband because of you! 

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart! 

I love you!