River's Birth Story

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior......”

Isaiah 43:2-3

River's journey earth side taught me many things. 

Patience 

Trust 

Self control 

It starts, May 31, 2016 at 1:30 am. I was 40 + 2. I woke with some light cramping and intense nausea. I wound up in the bathroom vomitting uncontrollably while also having contractions. Kaleb helped me set up camp on the bathroom floor while I continued to be sick through out rest of the wee hours of the morning. The contractions were staying 6-8 mins apart last 30-45 seconds. They weren't all encompassing. I could even sleep through them if I chose to. Kaleb decided to call in to work. With the nausea and vomiting, I couldn't properly care for myself or Elijah. Had it been light contractions and no nausea, Kaleb could have went to work. 

We let my mom, sisters and midwife know that we thought I was in early labor. I also told 4 close friends so they could be in prayer for this journey we had ahead. My moms job was to arrive with the fresh foods for the birth team and all of us. And my sister finished her work day and planned to make her 3 hour drive out to our house. 

The contractions stayed on the same "pattern" the entire day. They varied in intensity. I doubted they were real. But then I would have a more intense one and would think, ok this is the real deal. I was randomly nauseous through out the day also. The night of May 31st, they slowed down but the intensity was a bit stronger. Those contractions went on through the night. But only coming every half hour or so and lasting 45 seconds. I slept great in spite of the occasional contraction. The nausea had subsided. 

 June 1st, I woke up to some light contractions. So I went about my day normally, I stayed up and active as much as possible but also paid attention to my energy level. We hung clothes out to dry. Cleaned up and organized some things. Worked on a few tasks for my sisters wedding. I did not want to be exhausted if labor decided to move along. So we also took rest breaks. 

My mom was a huge help and took care of feeding us. We had a lovely chicken lunch with corn and green beans. 

Our midwife came over at 2pm and we had our 40 week visit. She confirmed what we thought, that my body was gearing up for labor and this was the early stage. 

So I decided to mow our lawn on the riding mower. That really got some good contractions going. I had to stop the mower and breath through a few. The bouncing on the mower really seemed to move baby down. 

After mowing, I took a quick shower to rinse the grass off and get rid of the smell of exhaust. 

I had some snacks and rested on the couch for a little while. 

Kaleb and Elijah went to bed around 8:30/9pm. 

My mom, sister and I ordered some wedding things online and made some decisions on some wedding details. That was fun! Around 10pm, the contractions completely stopped. I started to feel discouraged and was wondering what was going on. 

As we were sitting around my computer, Kaleb comes rushing down around 11pm carrying Elijah. And puts him in the tub. Elijah had thrown up all over the bed and pillows. So I set up camp in the living room for us. And proceeded to wash all the sheets and pillowcases. 

We decided it was best for my mom and sister to get some rest so at least someone would have energy to tackle tomorrow, if labor came back and even if it didn't, someone would be able to cook and keep life going. 

Elijah continued to throw up and dry heave until 4 am! Kaleb and I took turns helping Elijah. He was so scared and didn't want to puke. But his body was forcing it. 

As Elijah was battling this fast acting virus, it dawned on me, that the nausea and vomiting I experienced early Tuesday morning was probably an actual stomach virus and that vomitting induced contractions. 

I started feeling bad that my mom and sister had come and had been exposed to this yucky sickness. I prayed and prayed they wouldn't get it. 

Sometime around 4 am, Kaleb, Elijah and I all passed out. I still hadn't had any more contractions. 

June 2, 2016: 

I slept 4am - 7:30am when I was yanked out of sleep by a massive contraction. It was different than the rest and lasted 58 seconds. WOW! 

Side note: when I was pregnant with Elijah, we went to a New Years Eve gathering and I went into labor at 3 am Jan 1st, 2013. And this time we swore we would be diligent and go to bed early when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. And we had done so well. 

Which made the current situation on June 2nd, so comical. Because we swore we would be rested when baby made his/her arrival. But--- We were exhausted from being up with Elijah yet labor was coming on quite fast! 

I told Kaleb we better get the birth pool set up. And around 9:30 we started filling it up. (Silly us, we forgot the pool liner. Which meant a little more clean up afterwards). But we were so exhausted our minds weren't thinking clear. 

We let our midwife know around 8:30 am and she made her way to our house. All the while, I was actively contracting and moaning through some mega contractions. I put Lauren Daigle on my YouTube channel and zoned into her beautiful worship music. The midwife arrived at 10 am and started setting up her supplies. 

My sister applied counter pressure through each contraction, which was a life saver. It made ALL the difference. 

I decided to go to the bathroom and had a massive contraction and some bloody show. OUCH! I do NOT enjoy laboring on the toilet. 

I came back and said, "I hate laboring on the toilet. It makes me want to lunch kittens and I love cats!" 

Everyone laughed. 

We discussed checking my dilation so I could get in the pool if I was far enough along (5 cm +). She checked me at 11:20am and I was 8 cm! She said my cervix was so soft and was so close to being fully dilated! I was in complete awe! I hadn't had THAT many contractions. And they hadn't doubled up at all! They were consistently 1 minute long and coming every 3-4 mins. They were VERY strong but because of my previous experience with a much more intense labor (back to back contractions for 8-10 hours) I was waiting for that type of intensity. The kind that is debilitating. We told our photographer to make her way to our house. 

I proceeded to get into the pool around 11:30am. The 99° water was mesmerizing. I got on my knees and rested my chest on the side of the pool. My body relaxed and then I had a contraction (number 1) that caused a LOT of pressure. Then, I had a few more minutes of relief and a contraction (number 2) where I felt baby moving down. When I reached down, my waters were bulging and with a POP type feeling they burst! That was so amazing to feel the waters rush out. The pool water was slightly warmer than body temperature so the waters felt cool as they hit my fingers. I rested my body on the edge of the pool and waited for another contraction. And when that contraction (number 3) hit, I felt so much pressure. And I got scared from the feeling and the fact that my body had taken over. I yelled some and also said "I'm so scared. Idk why I'm so scared". And I teared up. But my body was going for it. And everyone was so sweet and reassuring and said it's ok. I held Kalebs hand really tight. I wasn't pushing at all, my body did all of the work on its own. That 3rd contraction ended. I rested again by leaning into the pool. And then, another contraction (number 4) came and I was out of my head, such an out of body experience for me. And just like that her head was out. My midwife told me to reach down and feel my baby. What an amazing feeling. There was so much hair! I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I felt her cheeks and they were so soft and chunky. I was leaning back on my mom and I breathed and waited for the next contraction. When it came (number 5), I felt the baby turning and her shoulder came out. Then I felt an odd feeling, like baby was stuck. And my body just turned to the left and in an instant baby was born at 11:57 am! Our midwife scooped her up. Because I had turned onto my left side when I felt baby was a tiny bit stuck, the baby was behind me so they helped me lift my leg and then got the cord back between my legs. And placed baby on my chest! We we so excited that for a second we forgot to look what we had, boy or girl!? So I looked - IT'S A GIRL! 

And just like that - River Erin Holzhauer came into the world, with a splash! 

8 lb 13 oz

21 inches long

16 inch head 

I can't believe it was only 5 contractions in the birth pool and she was born! 

It was 3 minutes & 30 seconds from the number 4 contraction that pushed her head out until the 5th one that expelled the rest of her body! 

I was only in the pool for 27 mins before she arrived! 

No tears needing stitches for me, just some micro years that will heal up! I'm so grateful!

She came so fast that our photographer was still en route. But she came anyways and took some amazing photos of the placenta delivery and River still attached to her tree of life. And grabbed some fun shots of the both space and some family shots. I am so glad we sought out a professional photographer! 

My sister and Kaleb did get some good photos with my Nikon. I'm so glad I had it charged and ready to go! 

We had forgotten to charge our video camera. BUT Kaleb grabbed it and quick got it charging. He was able to capture the exact 3.5 mins of River being born! I am so grateful to God for the camera having the EXACT amount of battery power! Such a beautiful God moment. I've been saying God kept the camera going just long enough to capture those fleeting 3 minutes! I will cherish it forever. 

River and I hung out in the tub for a while. And we took some fun photos. 

Elijah came in from playing outside. That's where he was when River was being born. He was in his sandbox. Praise God, that Kaleb built him a sandbox! 

And my sister snapped some fun family photos of us. Elijah ran to the living room and grabbed one of his favorite red Hotwheels cars and gave it to River. And said the car was for baby. He reached to touch her head and said "oh baby is hot! No touch! Baby is wet!"  He really doesn't like hot water and she was pretty warm. He was definitely interested in her but also a bit apprehensive. So he ran off to play some more. He came back over and made sure baby had her car. It was so cute! My mama heart was bursting with so many feelings! 

We waited a bit for the placenta but I was  so relaxed in the water, I couldn't push or feel contractions. And River was starting to get a bit cold. So we transitioned to the couch. We waited for 1.5 hours for the placenta. I didn't want to cut the cord until the placenta was delivered. I wanted photos of River attached to her Tree of Life. 

•••

Revelation 22:1-2

Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.

•••

The Placenta was harder work than delivering River. But such a relief once it was finally out! 

•••

Psalm 46:4

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.

•••••• 

The days of early labor taught me about patience and waiting on God for his perfect timing. I was starting to get frustrated after Elijah started throwing up and then I vented my frustrations and was able to let them go and pray and persevere with Gods help.  

I was able to really lean into God and trust that He had us all in His hands. And He knew exactly when our baby was meant to enter this world. 

When I had early labor, my mom and sister really helped me to stay active but to also take time to relax. It helped me to remember that having self control is worth it in the end. I tend to want to over do things and keep going and going. But being at peace and being calm is so much better than getting in a frenzy and freaking out! 

•••

Elijahs labor was 30 hours and Rivers active labor was 4.5 hours! I'm not counting the days of early labor because they really didn't cause me any discomfort or pain. 

I'm so thankful for all of the prayers from my wonderful friends & family, near and far! Rivers birth was such a healing process! I was able to reach new depths and find strength I didn't know I had. There was such a pure and tangible presence of God in the room as everyone encouraged and helped me bring River earthside. It was such a holy experience. As I look back on yesterday, I envision all the prayers prayed over the past several months and years, all bombarding together to create the most beautiful masterpiece - Rivers birth. 

Psalms 36:5  Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalms 89:8 O LORD God of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you?

Psalms 119:90 Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast.

<< more photos to come from my big camera and the photographer >>

For now, here's two from my sisters phone.  

This year's planting..

I didn't know how much I was missing having my own outdoor perennials! Now that we have tons of space, I have gone flower CRAZY! God has also blessed us with great super sale finds! We love the clearance rack in the garden center at every store we go to!

At Walmart I found tulips, 2 for $.24! I couldn't believe it! I bought 23 containers! so 46 bulbs! Amazing! $5.75! SCORE! I also picked up some annuals for making a hanging planter out of a vintage strainer. 

They won't bloom again until next year and even if only some of them bloom, I will be happy! And if none of them do, well, we are only out $5 bucks!

I found a snowball viburnum on sale! It was such a gift from God. In several years, I hope it is a lovely big bush! 

I planted a 40 ft strip of wild flowers and other perennial flower seeds in preparation for my sisters wedding next year. I hope they survive winter and flourish next year! 

The garden is sprouting. Tomorrow if the weather holds out I will weed and lay down black paper to kill the grass sprouts. 

We were out shopping one day for some chicken supplies and Runnings had a sale on their trees and they had one Weeping Pussy Willow left. I had my heart set on that being Elijah's placenta tree! Originally $60 and we got it for $47! Such a blessing. 

BACKSTORY: So when I was pregnant with Elijah, we had discussed what to do with his placenta. I loved the idea of planting a tree for every child. So we decided to do that. But Elijah was born in January. And that meant we couldn't plant it right away. We also lived in a rental house so we didn't want to leave it behind. My parents have a chest freezer in their basement. So we bagged it, labeled it & put it in the freezer until we found our forever home. Then we moved to another rental house for 1.5 years. So we still couldn't plant the placenta. We purchased our home September 30, 2014. And we simply didn't have the extra funding for a tree. It's also better to plant a tree at the beginning of summer in MN. And there really isn't anywhere local to purchase trees in fall/winter. And often the ground is already frozen so digging up the dirt without a bobcat or bulldozer is IMPOSSIBLE. So we were waiting for this summer to find a tree. But I'm thankful for extra freezers because that means the placenta hasn't degraded and will still be able to be planted. When my mom is back from Italy we will have a prayer ceremony and plant it near the tree. I'm so excited to watch this tree grow over the years! For each future child, I hope to find unique, special trees for them! 

Placenta planting is a very sacred and special part of life for us. The placenta carries nutrients from mother to baby & is the life source for the child. Blood flows through the cord and veins life to a beautiful soul. 

It makes me think of Jesus shedding His blood for me and you and every person. His blood brings life and healing. Our own blood provides us with physical life. We need it to survive. Jesus' blood was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. And the significance and comparison between the mother carrying a child and the placenta bringing blood to the baby to sustain life, is such a beautiful metaphor for salvation. 

I think of all of this when I picture Elijah's tiny body forming in my womb. His perfect soul being knit together. The very essence of his being was created from that placenta and God's hands. 

It's sad that in our culture things related to how we are formed inside of the womb are "gross" or "weird" or "unnecessary". Nothing about pregnancy, labor, delivery or post partum should have such a negative stigma attached to it. It is a beautiful part about life. It isn't gross or weird. And it is very necessary. Also, demeaning, making fun of others for choosing to do things differently or alternatively (in regards to procreating) and choosing to hold certain things as sacred, is unacceptable. I hate that they have labels like "dirty hippy", "crunchy", "granola mom", "granola people", "tree hugger", "hippy mom" etc. I don't claim to be any of those things. I just simply pray and do what we feel is best and what God would be pleased with. If we all strive for that, life would be easier. 

I'm so glad we have saved Elijahs Placenta in the freezer. And whenever we have another child, I will save that placenta also for as long as we need. In MN we don't have a very long summer, and that's the best time to plant. So it's all about timing and what time of year a baby is born!

•••••••••••••••••••

I'm excited for this summer! We have a lot of fun things to look forward to! 

Here are some flashbacks to when Elijah's placenta was his only source of nourishment. 

Sleep

Our journey 

This topic is a minefield. That much I know is true. 

But now that we have made it past the first year & sleep is attainable a lot more often these days, I thought I would write out some of my findings and beliefs about sleep. 

Proverbs 3:24

If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Psalm 4:8 

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

There is so much pressure to get your baby to be a "good sleeper". This pressure starts almost immediately after you give birth. At least it did for me. Usually, the very first question someone asks me about our son is something similar to, "Is he a good sleeper?" 

To which I always reply "Yes, yes he is". Because, frankly, it isn't any of their business how our child sleeps. It is just the question people ask to compare and throw advice at new mothers. It is a parenting grading scale. Because clearly, if your child isn't sleeping properly, you are a huge failure as a parent. Right? 

Wrong!

What is a good sleeper anyways? 

A baby who sleeps all night? 

A baby who goes to bed easily? 

A baby who sleeps 10 -12 hours straight? 

I have found that in our culture, it is all of the above. And to that notion, I roll my eyes and scoff. Because I refuse to label my child. I won't do it. I refuse to say

 "he always _____"

 "he never ______"

 "he is a bad sleeper" etc. 

As soon as we start labeling, those labels seep into the child's identity. And it becomes part of who they are. We continuously repeat negative phrases as if they are absolutes. When logically, humans are fluid. Meaning that if we are searching and learning and striving for change & maturity, we do change. We can grow mentally. 

Children are constantly changing. Isn't that why childhood is so precious? Because it is so short? So why do we expect consistency when their little bodies are growing so rapidly? It is said that a newborn grows, on average, a millimeter a DAY! Their neurons and synapses are firing so rapidly! And their tiny bodies grow and grow! 

With children comes a type of beautiful, messy chaos full of love. At least, that is how I see it. I see them as people. People that do NOT need a perfected strict schedule. With tight schedules, there often is no room for fun or spontaneity. And children need love, fun, guidance, and discipline. But above all they need love. They need to feel secure and safe before they can ever truly understand love. Each child has a specific way they need to be loved. Just as adults have love languages, children do as well. 

Since, I am staying home to raise our child(ren), K left it up to me to figure out what to do with E in regards to sleep. As far as sleep scheduling or non-scheduling is concerned, I have prayed and sought out all of the information on sleep that I could find. And after compiling it all together, my conclusion was, attachment parenting is natural. Any other type of parenting doesn't appear to meet a child's needs on all levels. And in time I trusted the process and I knew Elijah would sleep through the night when his body was ready. Babies do not have the same sleep patterns as adults. 

Go figure? Who knew! (I jest)

His body will find it's own circadian rhythm {more info}. Each child is different. To expect babies to sleep through the night is cruel. It is putting expectations on them that aren't healthy; Especially, separate of breastmilk. A mother's milk has sleep inducing hormones in it. And those hormones increase in relation to the mother's circadian rhythm (night and day). 

Sure, we can force sleep to happen and most children will adapt and succumb to the sleep regimen. And then we sit back and say how good of a sleeper they are, FINALLY! As if, until that glorious moment they were failing as a human being and our child. They were causing us stress. 

How dare they do that? How dare our brand new child be a lot of work. 

After being on the planet for less than a month we are already comparing them to other babies, and expecting them to not need us. Personally, I like that Elijah needs me. I enjoy every moment he needs reassurance. The more I researched, I found that confidence and security go hand in hand with how a child is allowed to sleep. We are mammals and we need close contact. From the moment we are born we crave it. And as parents, if we don't meet that emotional need for our infants, the child misses out. Babies do have feelings. How do we think a child feels if they are left alone in a crib to cry? Is it building trust??

No. It can create negative lasting effects. These effects can range from behavioral issues to anxiety to depression to desperation for love. It is important that we let our children attach to us.

We sit here and we speak for our babies, saying how much they like what we force them to do, in regards to sleep. Obviously they can't communicate and tell us their feelings. Instead they whine or pout or in some cases they internalize the emotions until they are older and then LOOKOUT. All because this American way of life calls for perfect sleep and perfect schedules. 

It is nonsense to expect each newborn to fit into a little tiny made up box. Was that box created with the child's emotions, growth, health or brain development in mind? 

No, it was created because of our busy lives. And from the moment a child is born, they are expected to adapt to this insane American lifestyle. A lifestyle that is go go go! And our precious sleep is very important because we have so much to do! 

It is so easy to get sucked in to the notion that if my child isn't sleeping through the night by 6 months old, I am doing everything wrong. But it isn't natural for them to sleep all night. 

And yes, waiting for E's body to regulate itself has come with sacrifices. K goes to bed when he needs to and I go to bed when Elijah gets sleepy. 

I could sit and fight and fight for control. I could make myself crazy trying to force our child to bed. Or, I could play & tickle & laugh & wrestle and get him good and tired. And then his body finds it's own rhythm. It isn't exactly the same every day. But neither is our growing son. 

Sometimes I can tell, his brain is moving so fast, his body struggles to calm down. Which means, I am not going to force sleep on him. Because it would be a form of torture. I stimulate his brain and give him the attention and affection he is craving. 

Incorporating essential oils into our night time "routine" is helpful. But those oils alone don't do the trick, they help after a full day of activity & night time breast feeding. 

If I get in a frenzy about sleep, which I have, then Elijah struggles to sleep. I don't even have to externalize my worries, even though, that is nearly impossible. Especially, when it comes to anxieties and worries that shouldn't be there. Those worries and anxious thoughts can translate to our son. I can tell he feels it in his soul. But when I stay calm inside of myself, when I find rest for my soul through prayer and Jesus' arms, E is calm. He sleeps better too!

If I let myself get worked up, if I compare Elijah to other children, if I fight against the natural way things unfold, if I try to hurry life along, I am not in sync with God's plan for our lives. I am trying to make my own plan. I start to think I know best. 

God created time and He created the natural order of things on earth. He created a baby's sleep pattern. God created it all. 

Who am I to argue with that? 

If I sit here and preach that God is in control but I take it upon myself to force my child to sleep before his body is ready, doesn't that defeat what I preach in the first place??

This post was fueled by last night. E slept 7 straight hours. I feel rested. He appears rested. It is wonderful. Now, here is the catch 22, I do not expect him to sleep that way tonight or tomorrow night. I take each day as it comes. His body does regulate in his own time. 

I sit here thankful for last night.

In the end, when I let go of my worries and let go of the control I like to have, in time, things come together as they should. They come together as God intended. 

Proverbs 14:30

30 A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones.

Philippians 4:6 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

1 Peter 5:618 

6Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,7casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 8Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.…

Galatians 6:10

Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.