River's Birth Story

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior......”

Isaiah 43:2-3

River's journey earth side taught me many things. 

Patience 

Trust 

Self control 

It starts, May 31, 2016 at 1:30 am. I was 40 + 2. I woke with some light cramping and intense nausea. I wound up in the bathroom vomitting uncontrollably while also having contractions. Kaleb helped me set up camp on the bathroom floor while I continued to be sick through out rest of the wee hours of the morning. The contractions were staying 6-8 mins apart last 30-45 seconds. They weren't all encompassing. I could even sleep through them if I chose to. Kaleb decided to call in to work. With the nausea and vomiting, I couldn't properly care for myself or Elijah. Had it been light contractions and no nausea, Kaleb could have went to work. 

We let my mom, sisters and midwife know that we thought I was in early labor. I also told 4 close friends so they could be in prayer for this journey we had ahead. My moms job was to arrive with the fresh foods for the birth team and all of us. And my sister finished her work day and planned to make her 3 hour drive out to our house. 

The contractions stayed on the same "pattern" the entire day. They varied in intensity. I doubted they were real. But then I would have a more intense one and would think, ok this is the real deal. I was randomly nauseous through out the day also. The night of May 31st, they slowed down but the intensity was a bit stronger. Those contractions went on through the night. But only coming every half hour or so and lasting 45 seconds. I slept great in spite of the occasional contraction. The nausea had subsided. 

 June 1st, I woke up to some light contractions. So I went about my day normally, I stayed up and active as much as possible but also paid attention to my energy level. We hung clothes out to dry. Cleaned up and organized some things. Worked on a few tasks for my sisters wedding. I did not want to be exhausted if labor decided to move along. So we also took rest breaks. 

My mom was a huge help and took care of feeding us. We had a lovely chicken lunch with corn and green beans. 

Our midwife came over at 2pm and we had our 40 week visit. She confirmed what we thought, that my body was gearing up for labor and this was the early stage. 

So I decided to mow our lawn on the riding mower. That really got some good contractions going. I had to stop the mower and breath through a few. The bouncing on the mower really seemed to move baby down. 

After mowing, I took a quick shower to rinse the grass off and get rid of the smell of exhaust. 

I had some snacks and rested on the couch for a little while. 

Kaleb and Elijah went to bed around 8:30/9pm. 

My mom, sister and I ordered some wedding things online and made some decisions on some wedding details. That was fun! Around 10pm, the contractions completely stopped. I started to feel discouraged and was wondering what was going on. 

As we were sitting around my computer, Kaleb comes rushing down around 11pm carrying Elijah. And puts him in the tub. Elijah had thrown up all over the bed and pillows. So I set up camp in the living room for us. And proceeded to wash all the sheets and pillowcases. 

We decided it was best for my mom and sister to get some rest so at least someone would have energy to tackle tomorrow, if labor came back and even if it didn't, someone would be able to cook and keep life going. 

Elijah continued to throw up and dry heave until 4 am! Kaleb and I took turns helping Elijah. He was so scared and didn't want to puke. But his body was forcing it. 

As Elijah was battling this fast acting virus, it dawned on me, that the nausea and vomiting I experienced early Tuesday morning was probably an actual stomach virus and that vomitting induced contractions. 

I started feeling bad that my mom and sister had come and had been exposed to this yucky sickness. I prayed and prayed they wouldn't get it. 

Sometime around 4 am, Kaleb, Elijah and I all passed out. I still hadn't had any more contractions. 

June 2, 2016: 

I slept 4am - 7:30am when I was yanked out of sleep by a massive contraction. It was different than the rest and lasted 58 seconds. WOW! 

Side note: when I was pregnant with Elijah, we went to a New Years Eve gathering and I went into labor at 3 am Jan 1st, 2013. And this time we swore we would be diligent and go to bed early when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. And we had done so well. 

Which made the current situation on June 2nd, so comical. Because we swore we would be rested when baby made his/her arrival. But--- We were exhausted from being up with Elijah yet labor was coming on quite fast! 

I told Kaleb we better get the birth pool set up. And around 9:30 we started filling it up. (Silly us, we forgot the pool liner. Which meant a little more clean up afterwards). But we were so exhausted our minds weren't thinking clear. 

We let our midwife know around 8:30 am and she made her way to our house. All the while, I was actively contracting and moaning through some mega contractions. I put Lauren Daigle on my YouTube channel and zoned into her beautiful worship music. The midwife arrived at 10 am and started setting up her supplies. 

My sister applied counter pressure through each contraction, which was a life saver. It made ALL the difference. 

I decided to go to the bathroom and had a massive contraction and some bloody show. OUCH! I do NOT enjoy laboring on the toilet. 

I came back and said, "I hate laboring on the toilet. It makes me want to lunch kittens and I love cats!" 

Everyone laughed. 

We discussed checking my dilation so I could get in the pool if I was far enough along (5 cm +). She checked me at 11:20am and I was 8 cm! She said my cervix was so soft and was so close to being fully dilated! I was in complete awe! I hadn't had THAT many contractions. And they hadn't doubled up at all! They were consistently 1 minute long and coming every 3-4 mins. They were VERY strong but because of my previous experience with a much more intense labor (back to back contractions for 8-10 hours) I was waiting for that type of intensity. The kind that is debilitating. We told our photographer to make her way to our house. 

I proceeded to get into the pool around 11:30am. The 99° water was mesmerizing. I got on my knees and rested my chest on the side of the pool. My body relaxed and then I had a contraction (number 1) that caused a LOT of pressure. Then, I had a few more minutes of relief and a contraction (number 2) where I felt baby moving down. When I reached down, my waters were bulging and with a POP type feeling they burst! That was so amazing to feel the waters rush out. The pool water was slightly warmer than body temperature so the waters felt cool as they hit my fingers. I rested my body on the edge of the pool and waited for another contraction. And when that contraction (number 3) hit, I felt so much pressure. And I got scared from the feeling and the fact that my body had taken over. I yelled some and also said "I'm so scared. Idk why I'm so scared". And I teared up. But my body was going for it. And everyone was so sweet and reassuring and said it's ok. I held Kalebs hand really tight. I wasn't pushing at all, my body did all of the work on its own. That 3rd contraction ended. I rested again by leaning into the pool. And then, another contraction (number 4) came and I was out of my head, such an out of body experience for me. And just like that her head was out. My midwife told me to reach down and feel my baby. What an amazing feeling. There was so much hair! I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I felt her cheeks and they were so soft and chunky. I was leaning back on my mom and I breathed and waited for the next contraction. When it came (number 5), I felt the baby turning and her shoulder came out. Then I felt an odd feeling, like baby was stuck. And my body just turned to the left and in an instant baby was born at 11:57 am! Our midwife scooped her up. Because I had turned onto my left side when I felt baby was a tiny bit stuck, the baby was behind me so they helped me lift my leg and then got the cord back between my legs. And placed baby on my chest! We we so excited that for a second we forgot to look what we had, boy or girl!? So I looked - IT'S A GIRL! 

And just like that - River Erin Holzhauer came into the world, with a splash! 

8 lb 13 oz

21 inches long

16 inch head 

I can't believe it was only 5 contractions in the birth pool and she was born! 

It was 3 minutes & 30 seconds from the number 4 contraction that pushed her head out until the 5th one that expelled the rest of her body! 

I was only in the pool for 27 mins before she arrived! 

No tears needing stitches for me, just some micro years that will heal up! I'm so grateful!

She came so fast that our photographer was still en route. But she came anyways and took some amazing photos of the placenta delivery and River still attached to her tree of life. And grabbed some fun shots of the both space and some family shots. I am so glad we sought out a professional photographer! 

My sister and Kaleb did get some good photos with my Nikon. I'm so glad I had it charged and ready to go! 

We had forgotten to charge our video camera. BUT Kaleb grabbed it and quick got it charging. He was able to capture the exact 3.5 mins of River being born! I am so grateful to God for the camera having the EXACT amount of battery power! Such a beautiful God moment. I've been saying God kept the camera going just long enough to capture those fleeting 3 minutes! I will cherish it forever. 

River and I hung out in the tub for a while. And we took some fun photos. 

Elijah came in from playing outside. That's where he was when River was being born. He was in his sandbox. Praise God, that Kaleb built him a sandbox! 

And my sister snapped some fun family photos of us. Elijah ran to the living room and grabbed one of his favorite red Hotwheels cars and gave it to River. And said the car was for baby. He reached to touch her head and said "oh baby is hot! No touch! Baby is wet!"  He really doesn't like hot water and she was pretty warm. He was definitely interested in her but also a bit apprehensive. So he ran off to play some more. He came back over and made sure baby had her car. It was so cute! My mama heart was bursting with so many feelings! 

We waited a bit for the placenta but I was  so relaxed in the water, I couldn't push or feel contractions. And River was starting to get a bit cold. So we transitioned to the couch. We waited for 1.5 hours for the placenta. I didn't want to cut the cord until the placenta was delivered. I wanted photos of River attached to her Tree of Life. 

•••

Revelation 22:1-2

Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.

•••

The Placenta was harder work than delivering River. But such a relief once it was finally out! 

•••

Psalm 46:4

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.

•••••• 

The days of early labor taught me about patience and waiting on God for his perfect timing. I was starting to get frustrated after Elijah started throwing up and then I vented my frustrations and was able to let them go and pray and persevere with Gods help.  

I was able to really lean into God and trust that He had us all in His hands. And He knew exactly when our baby was meant to enter this world. 

When I had early labor, my mom and sister really helped me to stay active but to also take time to relax. It helped me to remember that having self control is worth it in the end. I tend to want to over do things and keep going and going. But being at peace and being calm is so much better than getting in a frenzy and freaking out! 

•••

Elijahs labor was 30 hours and Rivers active labor was 4.5 hours! I'm not counting the days of early labor because they really didn't cause me any discomfort or pain. 

I'm so thankful for all of the prayers from my wonderful friends & family, near and far! Rivers birth was such a healing process! I was able to reach new depths and find strength I didn't know I had. There was such a pure and tangible presence of God in the room as everyone encouraged and helped me bring River earthside. It was such a holy experience. As I look back on yesterday, I envision all the prayers prayed over the past several months and years, all bombarding together to create the most beautiful masterpiece - Rivers birth. 

Psalms 36:5  Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalms 89:8 O LORD God of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you?

Psalms 119:90 Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast.

<< more photos to come from my big camera and the photographer >>

For now, here's two from my sisters phone.  

Newborn life is easy. *gasp* Did she just say what I think she did?

Proverbs 31:25-30

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” ...

When you're pregnant people tell you, enjoy sleep while you can. I don't say that to pregnant women. You know why? Because being the mother of a newborn is easy. Yup, I said it. (keep reading to understand my point) It's a walk in the park with a cool breeze and a sweet tea in hand. Sleeping when the baby sleeps was phenomenal. Cosleeping, nursing round the clock, and endless snuggles was bliss. Sure there were lots of diaper changes and blowouts. The baby might cry or need some special attention. They may be colicky. 

As the mother, you may have to give up some things to create a solid nursing relationship. I had to give up dairy. I do not drink caffeine, haven't since 2009. I had to give up citrus, garlic, onions, peppers, pretty much every spice, salt, refined sugars and tomatoes. And I'm probably forgetting some things. But it was all worth it. And it wasn't hard. It was necessary. 

We create these children by having sex do we not? Is it their fault they exist? No. They didn't choose it. We did. Our choices created them. Then they arrive & often they are not put first. And then, their needs aren't properly met & their behavior changes for the worst and they cry too much and don't sleep through the night. They want to be held and how dare they act hungry all the time! How dare they take up our time! People act as if babies are manipulating the situation. When really they are just desperately needing things that only a mother can give! 

I tell mothers to enjoy being pregnant for you don't know what the future holds. It could be the only chance you get to experience it. I tell them, to enjoy the newborn and forget about the dishes. Cause guess what? It's been 30+ months and the dishes still get dirty. But having that precious time with Elijah is irreplaceable. I don't have to sit here with regrets or guilt about anything in regards to his development and how grounded & bonded he is to me and Kaleb. Which carries over into how grounded he is in life. He knows, in the night that we are near. He has never had to be away from the safety of his parents. 

Yes, in America we value sleep. Because we have these perfectly orchestrated, timed out lived. And babies interfere with the schedule. How dare they not conform!! An infant doesn't need a schedule. You know what they need? They need the constant presence of their mother. They need to sleep on her chest, hear her heartbeat, smell her, and feel her warmth. 

I tell mothers to enjoy newborn life because now I sit here and I'm exhausted. Being the mom of an extraordinary 2.5 year old little boy involves every emotion, everyday. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's fast. It's slow. It's in-between. It's spiritual. It's joyful. It's educational. Its hard. It's everything. It takes a skill set that is developed over time. The newborn stage, if approached naturally and without the American pathetic ideals in mind, is easy. Because it doesn't take thought, as much as it takes action. It takes being there. It takes sacrifice, yes. But the baby is immobile! They can't go anywhere! They can climb trees at warp speed, or run away or yell "no mama"!! Newborns need to be nourished, changed and HELD! Toddlers need everything. They are developing so many skill sets that will be theirs for a lifetime. And it's my job as full time mom to continue to nurture and guide Elijah so he is the best possible version of himself. The version that the Lord God intended when He knit him together in my womb. 

I tell mothers to soak up their newborn. Breath them in, let them be on your skin all the time and don't ever let society tell you the baby is a burden. Don't ever let them make you feel like your baby doesn't act right or perform according to the idiotic standards of modern day America. Because simply existing, the baby is doing exactly what he/she knows how to do. It's our job to give them their needs. They need us. 

 I am far more tired now then I ever was when Elijah was a baby. Babyhood is easy. Hold tight to that and enjoy every second!

Sleep is a journey

I am a true believer that every child will find their sleep, in their own time. Ebear has been slowly finding his way to sleep. For almost a week now he has been saying "nigh night" while pointing to the bedroom. So we go into our bed, he is a little restless but we hold hands and and thank Jesus for protecting us while we sleep and we thank Him for our day. Elijah says "thankoo, jeesh ame" (thank you, Jesus amen) & then he slowly babbles himself to sleep while holding his teddy & then I transition him to his crib. I know in time he will be secure enough to fall asleep apart from me and K,

But for now, we are enjoying the cuddles, prayers and kisses. #GodisGood #goodnight 

Sleep changes.

My heart. 

My baby has hit some major milestones this week. 

People make such a huge deal about babies and their sleep schedules. 

Sleep train. 

Cry it out. 

Don't co sleep. 

Don't night nurse after infancy. 

The list goes on and on. And I ignored all the advice, judgments & rude comments. And I knew as Elijah's mother that in time, he would find his sleep pattern. We prayed together for God to help us sleep. And the past 3 days, Elijah has asked to take a nap & to go to bed. He is in our room with us. But I see now that letting him feel secure when it comes to sleeping has been so healthy. I can sit back & know that I didn't keep him at arms length. I didn't deny him my presence or Kaleb's. We let him bond & showed him we are with him. 

My theory about sleep has been proven to be a solid idea. Each child WILL find their sleep. But just as every other part of development, it is individual and specific to every child. We are, after all, each a unique person. 

If we spent less time discussing and planning how to get our babies to sleep, and we just enjoyed them and helped them feel secure, it would alleviate a lot of unwarranted anxiety. 

We bought a house

Things aren't always what they seem

We've had a few rough nights this past week. Not quite sure why or what's the deal. But taking each new day as it comes and praying over our sweet boy. #Ebear has been clingy & really wants to be near us at night. I'm not one for forcing the issue when it comes to sleep. I follow my instincts. My mama radar is up. And either he's working through a growth spurt of epik proportions or perhaps he's about to learn a bunch of words and his brain is on overdrive. He's had a few other spells of sleep regression that appears as anxiety on the surface and in about 6-8 days it works itself out. And he's back to spending nights in his crib. Until then, I sit back and enjoy the cuddles because before we know he will be big & won't need them. #iloveyou #4amconfessions #momlife

22 | 52

Week 22

 E loves playing in the rain! I am so glad it rained today and wasnt stormy. Usually in Minnesota it is stormy if it rains. This was a nice quick shower. And it really helped my garden too! 

God is good! 

God Bless the troops! 

21 | 52

WEEK 21

Our baby is almost 17 months! AH!

To my Mother in Law

I made a list of all the things I want to thank you for and I wanted to have it typed up and ready for Mother's Day.

Many of these things are in relation to the man you raised who is my husband. 

THANK YOU, for, being the kind of mother who let's her children explore and get dirty. Kaleb is not afraid of dirt and the outdoors. It's quite the opposite. He loves being outside and he will pass that onto our children. 

THANK YOU, for, developing his food palette. What I mean by this is, Kaleb is the least picky eater I have ever known. He eats everything and loves it all! That is rare. And I know it's partly because of your cooking and also because you didn't allow him to be picky. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" ;) 

THANK YOU, for, being supportive even when the decisions Kaleb made took him further away from you. Because you supported him when he played sports as a child it lead him to become a man who can take risks and chances. He is confident and secure. You supported him even when he decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. I can never fully express my gratitude. Your son is far away from you and your family and that isn't easy. But you haven't ever made him feel bad for his choice to be here with me. And I am eternally grateful because K has changed my life and I am a better person for knowing him. 

THANK YOU, for, all of the baby clothing for E! While I was pregnant it was so fun to get packages in the mail! And E wore the clothes and shoes all the time! He is still wearing the things he hasn't grown out of! 

THANK YOU, for, sending us cute cards! They make our days brighter; Especially in the winter time! 

THANK YOU, for, entrusting me with your friendship. And for being open and honest and truthful. I truly feel like our last trip to visit we were really able to get to know each other's hearts. And I know we will continue to build on our relationship. I have nothing but hope for the future! 

THANK YOU, for, being accepting of my love for God. And respecting how important Jesus is to me and to our family. It makes all the difference. K would not be the man of God that he is today if he didn't have your support. 

THANK YOU, for, shopping with me and garage saling with me. They are beautiful lasting memories I will always cherish! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to think for himself and to stand up for what is important! And he is always ready to stand up for us if he needs to! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to be kind to others. He leads and guides our family with such grace and humility and patience. Cause let's face it, I can be difficult. Well, anyone can be, I suppose. :) 

THANK YOU, for, loving Kaleb and filling his love tank as a child. Together you and Tom raised a man who isn't afraid to love. And isn't afraid of his feelings. And that's because he was loves in your home growing up. And now he is able to have an example of love to show to me and E & to others he encounters. 

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart! 

I love you! 

Jesus forgives...

We don't have to have a HUGE faith. Even if our faith is small, God sees it. We can't make our faith better. What we can do is align our hearts with the heart of Jesus. And as time goes on, as we study the BIBLE and pray and seek God's will, our faith is made stronger because of JESUS! It says so right here:

Ephesians 2:8-10

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Here is the deal, I have been letting the judgement of other people hinder my writing. 

Hinder me from telling the truth. 

Hinder me from being honest and open about what I believe and what I feel. 

I want to share with the world. 

I have been nervous because my beliefs differ from those of family members and friends. And I haven't wanted to rock the boat. But over the past two weeks, I have discovered that the people with differeing views and different religions don't shy away from telling me that I am wrong. So why should I stop writing what I think is the right thing? 

BUT I have been convicted of my thinking. 

Isn't the point to share the love of Jesus despite what others say or how they view me?

Yes! That is the point. 

To stand for Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, even when people get mad because your beliefs are different than theirs. 

I must press on. I must press forward. 

I MUST. 

There are no two ways about it! 

I have been worried about offending others with my writing but I see now that they don't care  about what I write.

 And frankly, caring what others think is silly. It really is. Because the people I was worried about offending, they don't care what my beliefs are, they are going to insist I accept theirs and insist that I keep an open mind.
Even when I refuse to. 
They may even tell me that being close minded won't let me move forward in my life. BUT I disagree. Wholeheartedly, I disagree. I have had a very closed mind for nearly 5 years now and I have moved forward a great deal!  

I do not want to keep an open mind when it comes to my faith.

There is one word of God. 

ONE

 My view is, there is only one God. One true God. One Savior who is not our brother, He is the son of God, He is the great I am. Their is one Holy Spirit and these three entities are THREE IN ONE! 

Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

When we refer to God as our Father, it is figurative. He is the father of all in a spiritual sense. Not physically. We have earthly fathers that share the same genetics as us. That is completely different than having a Father in Heaven that loves us and sent His only SON to die for the sins of the world. 

I have been doing a lot of research about many different religions over the last several years. And I have come to one conclusion. Only true Christianity, Bible believing Christianity, offers forgiveness without having to DO anything to earn that forgiveness. 

There are no ceremonies. 

No sacred rituals. 

No need for secrets of any kind. 

NOTHING. 

It is about LOVE.
 In all of the other religions. ALL of them. LOVE is the missing factor. This is the factor that Jesus insisted must guide our lives as HIS followers. 

If you believe in Jesus and what He did on the cross, then that is IT! 
Your belief saves you. Your small. Human sized belief is all you need. 

God sees your belief and He washes you white as snow. 

Because God's GRACE covers us when we fail or mess up.

Clean as a whistle. 

Cleaner than that. 

Everything from your past is made new. 

We are made new. 

All other religions, forgiveness and restitution relies on your works. How good you are. How often you attend church. What special clothes you wear. How much money you give to the church. Where you get married. 

It isn't right and it isn't the way God intended it to be. 

He made it much easier than MAN has made things. 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

To my Mother in Law

I made a list of all the things I want to thank you for and I wanted to have it typed up and ready for Mother's Day. But that didn't happen. :)

So today is better than never!

Many of these things are in relation to the man you raised who is my husband. 

THANK YOU, for, being the kind of mother who let's her children explore and get dirty. Kaleb is not afraid of dirt and the outdoors. He loves being outside and he will pass that onto our children. 

THANK YOU, for, developing his food palette. What I mean by this is, Kaleb is the least picky eater I have ever known. He eats everything and loves it all! That is rare. And I know it's partly because of your cooking and also because you didn't allow him to be picky. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" ;) 

THANK YOU, for, being supportive even when the decisions Kaleb made took him further away from you. Because you supported him when he played sports as a child it lead him to become a man who can take risks and chances. He is confident and secure. You supported him even when he decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. I can never fully express my gratitude. Your son is far away from you and your family and that isn't easy. But you haven't ever made him feel bad for his choice to be here with me. And I am eternally grateful because K has changed my life and I am a better person for knowing him. And now we have E!

THANK YOU, for, all of the baby clothing for E! While I was pregnant it was so fun to get packages in the mail! And E wore the clothes and shoes all the time! He is still wearing the things he hasn't grown out of! 

THANK YOU, for, sending us cute cards! They make our days brighter; Especially in the winter time! 

THANK YOU, for, entrusting me with your friendship. And for being open and honest and truthful. I truly feel like our last trip to visit we were really able to get to know each other's hearts. And I know we will continue to build on our relationship. I have nothing but hope for the future! 

THANK YOU, for, being accepting of my love for God. And respecting how important Jesus is to me and to our family. It makes all the difference. K would not be the man of God that he is today if he didn't have your support. 

THANK YOU, for, shopping with me and garage saling with me. They are beautiful lasting memories I will always cherish! 

THANK YOU, for, loving our son. I know it isn't easy to be so far from your grandbaby(ies)!

 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to think for himself and to stand up for what is important! And he is always ready to stand up for us if he needs to! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to be kind to others. He leads and guides our family with such grace and humility and patience. Cause let's face it, I can be difficult. Well, anyone can be, I suppose. :) 

THANK YOU, for, loving Kaleb and filling his love tank as a child. Together you and Tom raised a man who isn't afraid to love. And isn't afraid of his feelings. And that's because he was loves in your home growing up. And now he is able to have an example of love to show to me and E & to others he encounters. 

Above all---

THANK YOU, for, bringing K into this world! I have an amazing husband because of you! 

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart! 

I love you! 

Parenting is hard but it isn't a death sentence

Matt said everything I thought about that ridiculous viral video. 

I sleep. Last night I slept 5 hours in a row and then 4 more hours. 

I also ate four meals yesterday and made a few crochet projects.

And my job allows me to shop and clean and I don't stand all the time. I sit a lot. I sit and read books. I sit and play games and do puzzles. I sit and breastfeed. We snuggle and lay around sometimes. Especially when E was a tiny baby. It was all encompassing and hard but it wasn't torture. It was amazing and beautiful. And every day is beautiful. 

 

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/04/15/motherhood-isnt-tougher-than-fatherhood-but-maybe-we-should-all-stop-competing/

7 | 52

7 | 52 

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

We had a fun 20 minutes playing outside. It was only about 10 degrees. But we needed to get outside. 

I got several cute shots of E. But this one I like A LOT!!

6 | 52

SIX | FIFTY-TWO

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

Hanging out at Auntie Kiah's!

The only thing that bothers me in this photo is his shadow! 

But I do love the twinkle in his cute little eyes!!

5 | 52

WEEK FIVE 

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

I set up a fun photoshoot for E & his little friend, little miss E!

This is my favorite one of Elijah from the day! 

I am so glad he puts up with my photo shenanigans!

4 | 52

WEEK FOUR

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

1.25.13

E enjoyed hanging out in the hotel! All sorts of new furniture to climb and things to discover! 

I think this is his "another picture mom?" face!

This is what life is about.

It isn't about me. 

I have been sitting her snuggling with Elijah & contemplating my life. We only have one chance at this life. One chance to do right things. Moments come and go, and we can't get them back. When you don't give something a real shot, you will have regrets. Keep going. If it is something good and solid it is important to keep at it. 

 I have been living the past four years with that in mind. I decided to dedicate my life to Christ and I refuse to stop. 

And I am especially glad that I have given my all to this sweet little boy that is asleep in my arms. Through tears, sleepless nights and constant change, I keep going. I continue to pray and do what is truly best for him. Not what is best for me. 

We had a rough start. Labor was beyond intense and overwhelming. Nursing was hard at first. But I know breast is best. It simply is. No questions about it. 

I am praying that anyone struggling right now will keep doing the right thing. 

Excuse their andomness it's late and I am just jotting things down to expand on when I can get to my computer. I currentt have a 25 pound teething one year old on my chest. 

1 | 52

WEEK ONE

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

I have seen that many blogger moms are doing or have done a once a week photo challenge of each one of their children. SO I have decided to start compiling one. I want to put my new camera to use. :)

I haven't had time to post the 3 so far. So here goes. These are unedited photos. I may start editing them but I am already three weeks behind.

I can't wait to see the finished product of all 52 weeks!!

Elijah did NOT enjoy his chocolate fudge birthday cake with chocolate fudge frosting. But he did enjoy taking a bath and washing all the frosting off of his hands, legs, arms and face. Thanks, Chloe for the photo! She quick grabbed the camera and snapped this shot!

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Our Breastfeeding journey...

I wanted to write down my experience. I have had several women tell me I must've had it easy when it comes to nursing my son. And that's why I love it so much.

But that is not the reality of my journey. ; Not at all. 

We had a rough start. I'm sure our 30 hour labor had something to do with the struggle. Elijahbear slept for the first 24 hours. I tried to get him to latch. And I offered him my breast every time he stirred or woke. But he wasn't interested. And this was ok because my milk hadn't come in yet. 

For the first week, every day was a constant struggle. Elijah was not a vocal baby. 

He did not cry unless his diaper was being changed. .

 And you might think that a non crier was a good thing. But it made it extra hard to know if he was hungry or not. So any time he would move or appear to be rooting around, I offered him the breast. 

Most times he would try. But he wasn't really sucking right and he was not latching on. The midwives had checked his tongue and lip. They were not tied at all. 

Not properly latching was making my nipples so sore. They cracked and bled. It was overwhelmingly painful. 

I cried.

 I squeezed pillows. And did my best to stay calm. 

I prayed. 

God gave me peace. 

I persevered. 

I watched tv to distract me. It helped. 

I could feel God's presence. I knew it was my duty to continue. 

One night, I used a pacifier to help Elijah learn how to suck properly. That helped. He just needed a little guidance. And we never used the pacifier again. I did use my finger to help him learn how to suck. 

Praise God!

Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of it. But wow was it 

P A I N F U L !! 

It was excruciatingly painful and almost unbearable. That pain lasted 3 weeks. That is how long it took my skin to crack, bleed and heal over 2 times. And then, one day, zero pain. Imagine using a body part in a new way and add on saliva and almost constant use with intense suction. The skin took time to adjust. 

But I didn't care. My nipples were cracked and bleeding a little bit. 

But I didn't care.

My milk let down was quite strong and tingled and my breasts itched. 

But I did not care. 

 It was NOT about me. 

 Elijah was learning how to eat and I was feeding him. It was so beautiful that I didn't care that it was overwhelmingly painful. 

I just kept going. 

Smooth fabric and stretchy bras and olive oil helped a lot!  

I was going to succeed.

 I knew God designed it to work. 

But I knew from reading and hearing my mom talk about her experience, that it is a learning process. 

A day in our life at that time was quite tiring. But it was also quite beautiful. 

Elijah wanted to eat every 2 hours or so. But I didn't keep track. Some days he ate randomly. No rhyme or reason or schedule. Other days it was like clockwork: every 2 hours. 

Kaleb slept on the couch because he had to be up at 5am for work. Elijah and I shared the bed. I slept when he slept and sometimes, I even slept when he was nursing. When he was brand new, he slept on my chest or Kaleb's chest. Once he was a little older he slept next to me in bed. I would hear in stir and latch him on. He would eat and doze back off. This routine lasted for several months. As soon as Elijah was 3 months, Kaleb joined us in bed. I slept in the middle and Elijah slept to my left. It was brilliant. I never had to get up to feed him. I had to keep water at arms length so I could hydrate properly. Soon, Elijah was able to find my breast on his own and eat, I often, never woke up, not really. It was a state of zombie, as Kaleb would say. He said my eyes were open, I would grab Elijah, and he'd nurse. And we would both go back to sleep. He said I moved with such ease and grace. It seemed so simple, he said. It was complete instinct. And I was and am happy to do it. 

I needed to give my baby a chance to learn how to properly nurse. And use his tongue and lips and throat correctly. And what is an appropriate amount of time to let someone become an expert at something? 

A week?

A month? 

3 months? 

WHAT?

None of us adults become good at something on our first try. It usually takes months of practice. Then it becomes like second nature. Don't brand new humans deserve that same amount of time? 

I believe they do. 

We tend to set babies in a separate category. As if these tiny perfect humans aren't real humans yet. But they are. They need skin to skin contact. They need to be held and loved. 

 Our society keeps them at arms length. Before they are even born, plans are in place to give them to strangers. So parents can do important work. 

Daycare waiting lists are full. 

Infants come out of the womb and instantly they are often rubbed down and dried off. And placed under bright lights. I know I wouldn't want to be rubbed down and placed under a fluorescent light after spending 10 months in a perfect, cozy, warm environment. 

But we do it to newborns. 

Traumatizing. 

When it came to breastfeeding, I did not factor in my feelings AT ALL. I set them aside. It was for the benefit of another human being. A being that lived inside of my body for 10 months. His needs surpassed my own. He needed me. 

About 2 weeks into his life, Elijah started to spit up his meals. So I researched and decided to stop eating dairy. Even though, I enjoy cookies and milk, yogurt, cereal, ice cream and cheese of all kinds; ESPECIALLY Parmesan. But I stopped eating all of those things. And Elijah stopped regurgitating my milk. 

I tried reintroducing dairy several times but he would have an episode. So I quit trying. 

Oh how I missed diary products. 

Especially Parmesan cheese! 

When Elijah was 10 months old, I prayed and decided to try dairy. And what do you know, Elijah didn't react at all. His poop stayed the same and he didn't throw up my milk. 

I still do not consume large amounts if dairy because my body is still not used to it. And may never be able to handle it again. But I enjoy ice cream and Parmesan cheese now! 

I love that God created these processes. 
Pregnancy. 

Labor. 

Delivery. 

Breastfeeding. 

They are splendid. The child grows inside of the mother. The mothers body bring a the baby earth side. Then the mother uses her body to feed her child. It is so beautiful. 

My body has been feeding Elijah for over 22 months. 

[10 months womb side and 12 months earth side.] 

I find it judgmental when women assume that our journey the past 12 months has been a cake walk. It isn't fair to assume ANYTHING about anyone's journey into motherhood. Instead of making assumptions, ask me. Ask the mother how things are going. I'm an open book. Many of us love to answer questions. All areas of motherhood are to be shared with others; especially with other moms and future mothers. I enjoy telling my life story. 

But I believe in honesty. 

Cold. Hard. Truth. 

Even if that truth isn't all rainbows and butterflies, I tell it. I have to. I can't live any other way. 

If you didn't breastfeed, that is your choice. Please don't make a breastfeeding mom feel bad for her success. 

No one can make you feel guilty for making a choice. If you feel guilt. Search within yourself and find the root cause of that guilt. Do you have regrets? Give those to The Lord. Repent of the things you feel you messed up on. There is no sense in living with that guilt. 

But the part that is hard for me to handle is the blame game. Women who didn't nurse their baby(ies) point the finger at us who did. And they often say, it's our fault. By rejoicing in our triumphs and breastfeeding successes, we make them feel bad for bottle feeding. Even though, we never address bottle feeding or out right bash anyone using bottles. We each must choose our path.

We have simply made the choice to avoid bottles. 

It isn't fair to push the blame in our direction. I won't blame anyone using bottles for the struggles we faced at the beginning.

If you are truly confident that you made the best decision for your child, you should not have any guilt. You should feel pleased. You should feel proud; just as proud and elated as we who breastfeed. 

If you sit here and read this and my words have made you feel feelings of guilt. That is inside of YOU. Those are your raw emotions coming up. 

Deal with them. Think about why you feel that way.  
Truly, think about your feelings.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Why do I feel guilty? 
Where do those feelings come from?
What is the root cause of that guilt?

Just as roots of bitterness can grab a hold of us, the same happens with guilt. We need to yank that guilt weed out by it's roots. The easiest way, repent. Simply, tell God your thoughts. He instantly forgives. The hardest part is forgiving ourselves. 

No one forced me to do this. I chose what is best for my child. The science and truth that breast milk is better cannot be shaken. It is best.

Elijah loves nursing. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I've always thought that 3 is my cut-off but now, with research, I believe nursing longer than 3 can be beneficial health wise. I will be one of those so-called "weirdos" that is STILL nursing. 

We plan to try for baby #2 this summer. And I plan on continuing to nurse Elijah as long as he still wants to. These days, he comes and asks for it. He is learning to say "please" in sign language. He does a good job! 

Because of breastfeeding, my cycle has not returned {and I don't miss it}. But that doesn't mean my body can't get pregnant. With the presence of sperm, often a woman's body will quickly ovulate. We shall see what happens. We have been praying and weighing what God wants for us. 

I will end with this:::::

As Christian women, do we kid ourselves and think that Jesus actually wanted to be crucified??! 

He didn't. 

He begged God to take that cup from him. But if it was the Lord's will, Jesus said he would keep going. 

 It's right there in the Bible. 

Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours), the least I could do was deal with some pain in order to give my son what he needs to be healthy. 

PS- Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy the ups and downs. Enjoy the struggle. Because before you know it, it will be over. I sit on the cusp of that day. Elijah is starting to love food and not want to nurse as much. I am glad we had the time we did! 

ENJOY IT!