River's Birth Story

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior......”

Isaiah 43:2-3

River's journey earth side taught me many things. 

Patience 

Trust 

Self control 

It starts, May 31, 2016 at 1:30 am. I was 40 + 2. I woke with some light cramping and intense nausea. I wound up in the bathroom vomitting uncontrollably while also having contractions. Kaleb helped me set up camp on the bathroom floor while I continued to be sick through out rest of the wee hours of the morning. The contractions were staying 6-8 mins apart last 30-45 seconds. They weren't all encompassing. I could even sleep through them if I chose to. Kaleb decided to call in to work. With the nausea and vomiting, I couldn't properly care for myself or Elijah. Had it been light contractions and no nausea, Kaleb could have went to work. 

We let my mom, sisters and midwife know that we thought I was in early labor. I also told 4 close friends so they could be in prayer for this journey we had ahead. My moms job was to arrive with the fresh foods for the birth team and all of us. And my sister finished her work day and planned to make her 3 hour drive out to our house. 

The contractions stayed on the same "pattern" the entire day. They varied in intensity. I doubted they were real. But then I would have a more intense one and would think, ok this is the real deal. I was randomly nauseous through out the day also. The night of May 31st, they slowed down but the intensity was a bit stronger. Those contractions went on through the night. But only coming every half hour or so and lasting 45 seconds. I slept great in spite of the occasional contraction. The nausea had subsided. 

 June 1st, I woke up to some light contractions. So I went about my day normally, I stayed up and active as much as possible but also paid attention to my energy level. We hung clothes out to dry. Cleaned up and organized some things. Worked on a few tasks for my sisters wedding. I did not want to be exhausted if labor decided to move along. So we also took rest breaks. 

My mom was a huge help and took care of feeding us. We had a lovely chicken lunch with corn and green beans. 

Our midwife came over at 2pm and we had our 40 week visit. She confirmed what we thought, that my body was gearing up for labor and this was the early stage. 

So I decided to mow our lawn on the riding mower. That really got some good contractions going. I had to stop the mower and breath through a few. The bouncing on the mower really seemed to move baby down. 

After mowing, I took a quick shower to rinse the grass off and get rid of the smell of exhaust. 

I had some snacks and rested on the couch for a little while. 

Kaleb and Elijah went to bed around 8:30/9pm. 

My mom, sister and I ordered some wedding things online and made some decisions on some wedding details. That was fun! Around 10pm, the contractions completely stopped. I started to feel discouraged and was wondering what was going on. 

As we were sitting around my computer, Kaleb comes rushing down around 11pm carrying Elijah. And puts him in the tub. Elijah had thrown up all over the bed and pillows. So I set up camp in the living room for us. And proceeded to wash all the sheets and pillowcases. 

We decided it was best for my mom and sister to get some rest so at least someone would have energy to tackle tomorrow, if labor came back and even if it didn't, someone would be able to cook and keep life going. 

Elijah continued to throw up and dry heave until 4 am! Kaleb and I took turns helping Elijah. He was so scared and didn't want to puke. But his body was forcing it. 

As Elijah was battling this fast acting virus, it dawned on me, that the nausea and vomiting I experienced early Tuesday morning was probably an actual stomach virus and that vomitting induced contractions. 

I started feeling bad that my mom and sister had come and had been exposed to this yucky sickness. I prayed and prayed they wouldn't get it. 

Sometime around 4 am, Kaleb, Elijah and I all passed out. I still hadn't had any more contractions. 

June 2, 2016: 

I slept 4am - 7:30am when I was yanked out of sleep by a massive contraction. It was different than the rest and lasted 58 seconds. WOW! 

Side note: when I was pregnant with Elijah, we went to a New Years Eve gathering and I went into labor at 3 am Jan 1st, 2013. And this time we swore we would be diligent and go to bed early when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. And we had done so well. 

Which made the current situation on June 2nd, so comical. Because we swore we would be rested when baby made his/her arrival. But--- We were exhausted from being up with Elijah yet labor was coming on quite fast! 

I told Kaleb we better get the birth pool set up. And around 9:30 we started filling it up. (Silly us, we forgot the pool liner. Which meant a little more clean up afterwards). But we were so exhausted our minds weren't thinking clear. 

We let our midwife know around 8:30 am and she made her way to our house. All the while, I was actively contracting and moaning through some mega contractions. I put Lauren Daigle on my YouTube channel and zoned into her beautiful worship music. The midwife arrived at 10 am and started setting up her supplies. 

My sister applied counter pressure through each contraction, which was a life saver. It made ALL the difference. 

I decided to go to the bathroom and had a massive contraction and some bloody show. OUCH! I do NOT enjoy laboring on the toilet. 

I came back and said, "I hate laboring on the toilet. It makes me want to lunch kittens and I love cats!" 

Everyone laughed. 

We discussed checking my dilation so I could get in the pool if I was far enough along (5 cm +). She checked me at 11:20am and I was 8 cm! She said my cervix was so soft and was so close to being fully dilated! I was in complete awe! I hadn't had THAT many contractions. And they hadn't doubled up at all! They were consistently 1 minute long and coming every 3-4 mins. They were VERY strong but because of my previous experience with a much more intense labor (back to back contractions for 8-10 hours) I was waiting for that type of intensity. The kind that is debilitating. We told our photographer to make her way to our house. 

I proceeded to get into the pool around 11:30am. The 99° water was mesmerizing. I got on my knees and rested my chest on the side of the pool. My body relaxed and then I had a contraction (number 1) that caused a LOT of pressure. Then, I had a few more minutes of relief and a contraction (number 2) where I felt baby moving down. When I reached down, my waters were bulging and with a POP type feeling they burst! That was so amazing to feel the waters rush out. The pool water was slightly warmer than body temperature so the waters felt cool as they hit my fingers. I rested my body on the edge of the pool and waited for another contraction. And when that contraction (number 3) hit, I felt so much pressure. And I got scared from the feeling and the fact that my body had taken over. I yelled some and also said "I'm so scared. Idk why I'm so scared". And I teared up. But my body was going for it. And everyone was so sweet and reassuring and said it's ok. I held Kalebs hand really tight. I wasn't pushing at all, my body did all of the work on its own. That 3rd contraction ended. I rested again by leaning into the pool. And then, another contraction (number 4) came and I was out of my head, such an out of body experience for me. And just like that her head was out. My midwife told me to reach down and feel my baby. What an amazing feeling. There was so much hair! I couldn't believe what I was feeling. I felt her cheeks and they were so soft and chunky. I was leaning back on my mom and I breathed and waited for the next contraction. When it came (number 5), I felt the baby turning and her shoulder came out. Then I felt an odd feeling, like baby was stuck. And my body just turned to the left and in an instant baby was born at 11:57 am! Our midwife scooped her up. Because I had turned onto my left side when I felt baby was a tiny bit stuck, the baby was behind me so they helped me lift my leg and then got the cord back between my legs. And placed baby on my chest! We we so excited that for a second we forgot to look what we had, boy or girl!? So I looked - IT'S A GIRL! 

And just like that - River Erin Holzhauer came into the world, with a splash! 

8 lb 13 oz

21 inches long

16 inch head 

I can't believe it was only 5 contractions in the birth pool and she was born! 

It was 3 minutes & 30 seconds from the number 4 contraction that pushed her head out until the 5th one that expelled the rest of her body! 

I was only in the pool for 27 mins before she arrived! 

No tears needing stitches for me, just some micro years that will heal up! I'm so grateful!

She came so fast that our photographer was still en route. But she came anyways and took some amazing photos of the placenta delivery and River still attached to her tree of life. And grabbed some fun shots of the both space and some family shots. I am so glad we sought out a professional photographer! 

My sister and Kaleb did get some good photos with my Nikon. I'm so glad I had it charged and ready to go! 

We had forgotten to charge our video camera. BUT Kaleb grabbed it and quick got it charging. He was able to capture the exact 3.5 mins of River being born! I am so grateful to God for the camera having the EXACT amount of battery power! Such a beautiful God moment. I've been saying God kept the camera going just long enough to capture those fleeting 3 minutes! I will cherish it forever. 

River and I hung out in the tub for a while. And we took some fun photos. 

Elijah came in from playing outside. That's where he was when River was being born. He was in his sandbox. Praise God, that Kaleb built him a sandbox! 

And my sister snapped some fun family photos of us. Elijah ran to the living room and grabbed one of his favorite red Hotwheels cars and gave it to River. And said the car was for baby. He reached to touch her head and said "oh baby is hot! No touch! Baby is wet!"  He really doesn't like hot water and she was pretty warm. He was definitely interested in her but also a bit apprehensive. So he ran off to play some more. He came back over and made sure baby had her car. It was so cute! My mama heart was bursting with so many feelings! 

We waited a bit for the placenta but I was  so relaxed in the water, I couldn't push or feel contractions. And River was starting to get a bit cold. So we transitioned to the couch. We waited for 1.5 hours for the placenta. I didn't want to cut the cord until the placenta was delivered. I wanted photos of River attached to her Tree of Life. 

•••

Revelation 22:1-2

Then he showed me a river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and of the Lamb, in the middle of its street On either side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit every month; and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations.

•••

The Placenta was harder work than delivering River. But such a relief once it was finally out! 

•••

Psalm 46:4

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.

•••••• 

The days of early labor taught me about patience and waiting on God for his perfect timing. I was starting to get frustrated after Elijah started throwing up and then I vented my frustrations and was able to let them go and pray and persevere with Gods help.  

I was able to really lean into God and trust that He had us all in His hands. And He knew exactly when our baby was meant to enter this world. 

When I had early labor, my mom and sister really helped me to stay active but to also take time to relax. It helped me to remember that having self control is worth it in the end. I tend to want to over do things and keep going and going. But being at peace and being calm is so much better than getting in a frenzy and freaking out! 

•••

Elijahs labor was 30 hours and Rivers active labor was 4.5 hours! I'm not counting the days of early labor because they really didn't cause me any discomfort or pain. 

I'm so thankful for all of the prayers from my wonderful friends & family, near and far! Rivers birth was such a healing process! I was able to reach new depths and find strength I didn't know I had. There was such a pure and tangible presence of God in the room as everyone encouraged and helped me bring River earthside. It was such a holy experience. As I look back on yesterday, I envision all the prayers prayed over the past several months and years, all bombarding together to create the most beautiful masterpiece - Rivers birth. 

Psalms 36:5  Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalms 89:8 O LORD God of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you?

Psalms 119:90 Your faithfulness endures to all generations; you have established the earth, and it stands fast.

<< more photos to come from my big camera and the photographer >>

For now, here's two from my sisters phone.  

Sleep is a journey

I am a true believer that every child will find their sleep, in their own time. Ebear has been slowly finding his way to sleep. For almost a week now he has been saying "nigh night" while pointing to the bedroom. So we go into our bed, he is a little restless but we hold hands and and thank Jesus for protecting us while we sleep and we thank Him for our day. Elijah says "thankoo, jeesh ame" (thank you, Jesus amen) & then he slowly babbles himself to sleep while holding his teddy & then I transition him to his crib. I know in time he will be secure enough to fall asleep apart from me and K,

But for now, we are enjoying the cuddles, prayers and kisses. #GodisGood #goodnight 

World Smile Day

This has been one of the longest days of our parenting career. I am so glad to be on the other side of it. I lay here in our warm bed so thankful. Thankful to God for sending me a great husband to care for our family. And to show God's love to our son. I am so thankful for our health. So many parents spend endless days & nights in hospital rooms, praying for their sick child. I am so thankful for the prayers of friends and family, near & far. It touches me that Instagram facilitates such a community. I cherish the friendships I have made. I digress,- this day has so many emotions. And I am still praying for the people involved in a terrible car accident as we drove back home from Mankato. I am so thankful for such a lovely & kind dentist. She made everything better for our sweet boy! And she told us we are great parents & to not worry about his teeth problems being our fault. I needed to hear that. I truly did. This whole day has been more proof that my Father in Heaven is watching & taking care of us. 

A reminder

This is my new favorite spot. I found this clump of trees lining a dirt road while I was driving around last week. This day, I was a little frustrated because Elijah had been fighting naps. Even though he was acting tired and cranky, he wouldn't relax and sleep. So I stuck him in his car seat. That will always do the trick. He can't resist sleep in his #combi seat! I'm so glad my husband let me get the compact orange seat! We had quite the debate about which seat to purchase. Anyways, as I was driving, I stumbled upon this road and these trees. And they have been a huge blessing. They have brought me such peace & sparked my creativity. And they have been a reminder of God's love and attentiveness. He pays attention to us and if we keep our eyes open and our hearts soft, our soul is receptive to His voice. And He calms our hearts and eases our worries. Beauty is out there to find. But we have to choose to see it. 

Always

I will never be done sharing how Jesus has changed me. And made me new. And taken away the guilt and pain and shame of my past. And how the joy of The Lord has filled my heart. 

I was never trying to fight. 

Simply spreading hope to anyone who wants it.

But I've put in the effort. The daily renewing of my mind. Daily finding new ways to see beauty. 

I also had to make choices. Stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs and openly and blatantly sinning and being vulgar and gross. 

All my choices lead me down a dark path. And then by God's grace, I couldn't take it anymore and I chose to let God have my heart instead of the world. 

Those choices and the knowledge of knowing that every day is a new day and Jesus loves and forgives me when I stumble, all of it together has lead me to here and now. 

It isn't something that magically happened over night. And it wasn't by chance. I sought hard and still do. 

I chose to stop the party life and choose to go to church and praise God. And listen to Bible teachers. And truly repent and let my heart be softened. 

It isn't something I take lightly. 

But it is something, I love sharing. And I love helping other people find a relationship with Jesus. It's what life is all about.

22 | 52

Week 22

 E loves playing in the rain! I am so glad it rained today and wasnt stormy. Usually in Minnesota it is stormy if it rains. This was a nice quick shower. And it really helped my garden too! 

God is good! 

God Bless the troops! 

21 | 52

WEEK 21

Our baby is almost 17 months! AH!

To my Mother in Law

I made a list of all the things I want to thank you for and I wanted to have it typed up and ready for Mother's Day.

Many of these things are in relation to the man you raised who is my husband. 

THANK YOU, for, being the kind of mother who let's her children explore and get dirty. Kaleb is not afraid of dirt and the outdoors. It's quite the opposite. He loves being outside and he will pass that onto our children. 

THANK YOU, for, developing his food palette. What I mean by this is, Kaleb is the least picky eater I have ever known. He eats everything and loves it all! That is rare. And I know it's partly because of your cooking and also because you didn't allow him to be picky. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" ;) 

THANK YOU, for, being supportive even when the decisions Kaleb made took him further away from you. Because you supported him when he played sports as a child it lead him to become a man who can take risks and chances. He is confident and secure. You supported him even when he decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. I can never fully express my gratitude. Your son is far away from you and your family and that isn't easy. But you haven't ever made him feel bad for his choice to be here with me. And I am eternally grateful because K has changed my life and I am a better person for knowing him. 

THANK YOU, for, all of the baby clothing for E! While I was pregnant it was so fun to get packages in the mail! And E wore the clothes and shoes all the time! He is still wearing the things he hasn't grown out of! 

THANK YOU, for, sending us cute cards! They make our days brighter; Especially in the winter time! 

THANK YOU, for, entrusting me with your friendship. And for being open and honest and truthful. I truly feel like our last trip to visit we were really able to get to know each other's hearts. And I know we will continue to build on our relationship. I have nothing but hope for the future! 

THANK YOU, for, being accepting of my love for God. And respecting how important Jesus is to me and to our family. It makes all the difference. K would not be the man of God that he is today if he didn't have your support. 

THANK YOU, for, shopping with me and garage saling with me. They are beautiful lasting memories I will always cherish! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to think for himself and to stand up for what is important! And he is always ready to stand up for us if he needs to! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to be kind to others. He leads and guides our family with such grace and humility and patience. Cause let's face it, I can be difficult. Well, anyone can be, I suppose. :) 

THANK YOU, for, loving Kaleb and filling his love tank as a child. Together you and Tom raised a man who isn't afraid to love. And isn't afraid of his feelings. And that's because he was loves in your home growing up. And now he is able to have an example of love to show to me and E & to others he encounters. 

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart! 

I love you! 

Jesus forgives...

We don't have to have a HUGE faith. Even if our faith is small, God sees it. We can't make our faith better. What we can do is align our hearts with the heart of Jesus. And as time goes on, as we study the BIBLE and pray and seek God's will, our faith is made stronger because of JESUS! It says so right here:

Ephesians 2:8-10

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Here is the deal, I have been letting the judgement of other people hinder my writing. 

Hinder me from telling the truth. 

Hinder me from being honest and open about what I believe and what I feel. 

I want to share with the world. 

I have been nervous because my beliefs differ from those of family members and friends. And I haven't wanted to rock the boat. But over the past two weeks, I have discovered that the people with differeing views and different religions don't shy away from telling me that I am wrong. So why should I stop writing what I think is the right thing? 

BUT I have been convicted of my thinking. 

Isn't the point to share the love of Jesus despite what others say or how they view me?

Yes! That is the point. 

To stand for Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world, even when people get mad because your beliefs are different than theirs. 

I must press on. I must press forward. 

I MUST. 

There are no two ways about it! 

I have been worried about offending others with my writing but I see now that they don't care  about what I write.

 And frankly, caring what others think is silly. It really is. Because the people I was worried about offending, they don't care what my beliefs are, they are going to insist I accept theirs and insist that I keep an open mind.
Even when I refuse to. 
They may even tell me that being close minded won't let me move forward in my life. BUT I disagree. Wholeheartedly, I disagree. I have had a very closed mind for nearly 5 years now and I have moved forward a great deal!  

I do not want to keep an open mind when it comes to my faith.

There is one word of God. 

ONE

 My view is, there is only one God. One true God. One Savior who is not our brother, He is the son of God, He is the great I am. Their is one Holy Spirit and these three entities are THREE IN ONE! 

Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

When we refer to God as our Father, it is figurative. He is the father of all in a spiritual sense. Not physically. We have earthly fathers that share the same genetics as us. That is completely different than having a Father in Heaven that loves us and sent His only SON to die for the sins of the world. 

I have been doing a lot of research about many different religions over the last several years. And I have come to one conclusion. Only true Christianity, Bible believing Christianity, offers forgiveness without having to DO anything to earn that forgiveness. 

There are no ceremonies. 

No sacred rituals. 

No need for secrets of any kind. 

NOTHING. 

It is about LOVE.
 In all of the other religions. ALL of them. LOVE is the missing factor. This is the factor that Jesus insisted must guide our lives as HIS followers. 

If you believe in Jesus and what He did on the cross, then that is IT! 
Your belief saves you. Your small. Human sized belief is all you need. 

God sees your belief and He washes you white as snow. 

Because God's GRACE covers us when we fail or mess up.

Clean as a whistle. 

Cleaner than that. 

Everything from your past is made new. 

We are made new. 

All other religions, forgiveness and restitution relies on your works. How good you are. How often you attend church. What special clothes you wear. How much money you give to the church. Where you get married. 

It isn't right and it isn't the way God intended it to be. 

He made it much easier than MAN has made things. 

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We are righteous in Christ

How is your prayer life? Most of us feel guilty about our prayer life. We struggle to pray because we don't know that we are righteous. We are so aware of our sin that we are not aware of our Savior. We are so aware of all the bad things that we've done that we don't really believe that he died for those things. We still believe fundamentally and religiously that if we were a good people God would hear us. But we're not a good people so He probably wont. So we don't talk to Him. We forget that Jesus is our righteousness. Jesus is our mediator. And that our righteousness is in Christ. And that we are in the position of Christ. And the Father loves us just as much as he loves the Son. And He hears us because we pray through the Son. Jesus is our righteousness. 

My conclusion..

Ever since I decided to leave the world behind and follow Jesus, I have known it means giving up certain things. I have also known that giving up those certain things would come at a price. 

People out in the world don't seem to have a clue about what they are missing. They just continually live the same year over and over. I cannot do it. 

I want more. I want better things. I want to make every day count. I want Jesus to be bigger than anything else. 

I don't want to be a part of leading others astray. I want to be a light that brings people closer to God. I want to pray more. I want to read my Bible more. 

I would rather be on the outside and know that I am doing right and good things. If not being included and being made fun of is the price, I will keep paying that price. 

Whatever the cost. 

Because my Savior paid the ultimate price. 

So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?” The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. (I Corinthians 15:54-58 NKJV)

I want to be...

Who do I want to be? Why do we care what others think? Where have I gone wrong? How can I continue to change for the better? Am I too truthful? Why can't others see how wrong the world is? 

These questions have been on my mind For a few months. And I have come to one simple conclusion::

Without a solid guiding force to lean on, life can be confusing. 

We look to other humans for self worth, acceptance, love, understanding and comfort. And when that doesn't work, because humanity is flawed, we turn to activities and worldy things. Or. Ice versa, we try things first & then we try relationships. Buying stuff will fill the void in our lives. Doing what other people are doing will make us happy. Following the masses will bring us to a place of contentment. People can't see how wrong the world's ideas are because they are looking at life through a dirty lense. They see what they want to see. And they ignore the evil around them. We ignore the evil around us. I've done it. 

 It is easy to get caught up in the world. The world tells you, stuff will make you happy. It tells you, Spending your money on new shoes and fancy baby accessories will fill the mile wide gap in your heart. Our society pushes us to one up each othe & To go out and buy the latest and greatest THING. 

Not happy?

Maybe a new car will solve that lack of happiness? 

Still not happy? 

Maybe if you change your hair color you will be happy? 

Still not happy? 

Perhaps, wearing the latest fashions will fill your heart's desires? 

Still not happy? 

Perhaps, you aren't doing fun things. Go out and party. That should help. 

Didn't help!? 

Try it again. 

And again. 

Oh heck, try it one more time. 

Just keep doing everything others are doing. It may only be temporary but you will feel better in the moment. And as soon as you start to feel unhappy, buy a new outfit and go out with your friends. Or better yet, a relationship will make you happy. That ONE PERSON will solve all your problems. Put all of your love and faith in the hands of another human being. They will never let you down. They will never make mistakes or hurt you. 

It is so apparent how NOT true ^ that is. 

People will hurt you. 

Things will not make you happy. 

REALITY CHECK! 

The only guarantee we have in this life doesn't have anything to do with what the world says. The world will lie to you. 

We have to be sure we KNOW who we put our trust in. 

Jesus said, he will never leave us not forsake us! 

God knows the deepest darkest parts of us & He loves us anyways. 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

^ That is one of my favorite Bible verses. 

It reminds me of how VAST God's love is and how deep his arms of Grace reach. They reach farther than we can imagine. They hold the world!  

It isn't about how often we attend church or what service we perform at church. It is about our hearts. It is about MY HEART. When I wake up in the morning, am I thankful? Am I mindful of God's love and do I show that love to those around me? Or, am I so caught up in appearances and the latest fad or what celebrities are doing or what happened on Teen Mom (by the way I don't watch it I've just been seeing advertisements EVERYWHERE) that I miss out on what God has in store for my life and my family? We all have temptations. They aren't the same. But the attitude in our heart is the same.  We want to leave God out and do things our own way. Or we say, well this one thing isn't that bad, it doesn't hurt anyone else. We justify our choices to others and to ourselves and even to God Himself. 

I don't want to get so caught up in what others think that I lose sight of what is important. The car I drive, the house I have, the clothes I wear, the job I work, the toys Elijah has, etc. NONE of that is important. 

What is important?

Staying healthy. And for me it doesn't just mean eating right. I have to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit. I have to dig into my Bible. Daily plugging in to God's word. Letting it permeate my soul and allowing it's truth to wash over my heart. I have to listen to some good Jesus music. It always sets my mind at ease and pulls me down to earth while keeping my eyes on Jesus. 

I do this in many different ways. Today, I am focusing on Romans 5:8. Throughout the day, I contemplate what it means. I go look up what other theologians have to say about it. Most importantly, I meditate on it in my heart and mind. 

Ghis morning my contemplating lead me to this::

God didn't send Jesus to die on the cross AFTER mankind had repented and apologized and finished their check list of good deeds. God made a plan to save us BEFORE we ever stopped our bad behaviors. God sent Jesus to earth while we were YET sinners. While we were still actively sinning. (When I say we, I mean humankind as a collective.) The fact that it isn't up to us to make ourselves righteous and holy, lifts a big weight off of our shoulders. There is no magic set of steps to holiness. We can't ever be good enough apart from Christ Jesus. And when we mess up, simply repent to God and instantly you are made white as snow! There isn't a process or a long list of duties. You don't have to go telling everyone of your sins. It is good to have someone to hold you accountable. But it should be someone who loves Jesus and loves you. But repentance itself is a very simple process. 

Believe in Jesus and what He did on the cross. 

Repent 

Forgiven 

Walk in the light as He is in the light 

Any sins can all be washed away in an instant. 

Then we are free to continue::

 to fight the good fight. 

To mend broken relationships. 

To share Jesus with the world. 

To forgive. 

To give grace to the undeserving. 

God is Holy. He alone is Holy. 

We strive to be like Jesus and HIS holiness rubs off on us. 

That is my ultimate heart's  desire. 

I want to be like Jesus. 

Like Jesus

http://youtu.be/c1QE-DgvR80

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above it stood seraphim; each one had six wings: with two he covered his face, with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; The whole earth is full of His glory!” And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke. So I said: “Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The Lord of hosts.” Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth with it, and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged.” Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.” And He said, “Go, and tell this people: ‘Keep on hearing, but do not understand; Keep on seeing, but do not perceive.’ “Make the heart of this people dull, And their ears heavy, And shut their eyes; Lest they see with their eyes, And hear with their ears, And understand with their heart, And return and be healed.” Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered: “Until the cities are laid waste and without inhabitant, The houses are without a man, The land is utterly desolate, The Lord has removed men far away, And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. But yet a tenth will be in it, And will return and be for consuming, As a terebinth tree or as an oak, Whose stump remains when it is cut down. So the holy seed shall be its stump.” (Isaiah 6:1-13 NKJV)

Happy Birthday, Amanda!

So, it turns out that The Lord has given me a nifty little gift. The gift of being able to express myself through writing. I have decided that I will do my best to use this gift to glorify God. And He has shown me that to do that, I need to focus on the positive things about the people in my life. And write about those things.

 

Today is the Birthday of a very dear friend of mine. She is the first friend I have made through social media. All because another mutual friend introduced us. 

That was nearly two years ago! I can't believe it! I am excited that our children will be able to know each other for years to come!

Amanda and I have grown close because of our mutual love for Jesus. That mutual love permeates our choices and our view of life. It keeps us grounded. That love helps us with our insecurities. It helps us find our way when there seems to be no way. Friendships like this, for me, have been rare. But they are the best kind of friendships. This friendship contains two people who recognize that humanity is flawed and we need a Savior. 

Michael W. Smith sang it best "friends are friends forever if the Lord's The Lord of them". 

Yeah, corny, I know. But I'm feeling sappy. 

Amanda is many things. She is hardworking and kind. I always admire horse owners. It takes a special type of person to own those majestic animals. They need a lot of care and attention. They need toughness mixed with kindness. I always thought I wanted a horse until I took lessons and had to DO the work. 

Amanda does all she can to be a light to those around her. She is always there to listen when I need someone to talk. I do my best to do the same for her. She has talked me through several different situations. 

She takes her role as a mother and wife very seriously. E & baby #2 are very blessed to have a mother like Amanda. 

She is prayerful and loving. And puts others ahead of herself. She takes the time to think about things from another perspective and is not quick to judge. 

I feel as though we have been friends for a lifetime.

 I've never been a believer in romantic soul mates. But I do believe that there are ordained "soul mate" friendships. People that just click together. These friendships hold the test of time. 

True friends are hard to come by in this world. I feel beyond blessed to know Amanda. I am so thankful to God, for bringing us together. She has been an answer to many of my prayers. 

When friendships end badly, I tend to blame myself and internalize everything. Through my friendship with Amanda (and a few others), God has helped me to see that there isn't anything wrong with me. It is nice to know I can have an open heart in our friendship and it isn't going to get stomped on. Because I can trust my friend, Amanda with my feelings. 

It is a beautiful feeling to know that Amanda is my friend. 

A beautiful, sweet and loving friend! 

Happy Birthday, 

Amanda! 

I love you! 

PS: I couldn't decide on just one photo so I added them all! 💗

\\ My heart today //

Lately, every time I feel lead to post something spiritual, I hear a voice saying "don't do it" "it's not worth it" "what's the point" etc. . In those moments I pray for the thoughts to leave my mind in Jesus' name. After I was made to feel that my posts are offensive, 6 weeks ago, I have struggled internally each time I go to post. I know in my heart, for now, as a stay at home mother, this is what I can do to lift others up. I can write and I can use my words to bless others and spread the truth. I can share cute photos of ourf  smiley to brighten someone's day. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle to write this stuff. I don't want anyone thinking I am perfect. I am not perfect, Jesus is. I can try my hardest and I will never measure up. It's all about His glory through me. #love

God's grace.

Life is about God's grace through Jesus. 

Jesus paid the price. He paid our price. We don't have to continue to pay for our sins. I am talking about things we have done that have been in rebellion against God. (Obviously breaking the law has just punishment).  

Life isn't about a long list of religious rules. 

There is NOTHING standing between you and Jesus' blood and righteousness!! 

Not a church. 

Not another person. 

Not ANYTHING!

Life is about realizing God is for you. 

God sees you. 

God hears you. 

God forgives you. 

Communion/sacrament, whatever you label it, is for anyone who wants to repent of their sins and turn to JESUS!! 

ANYONE! 

It disgusts me that people would dare set rules in place that exclude people from partaking in communion because they ARE TOO SINFUL! The whole point of the ceremony is to remember we are all lost and we ALL NEED JESUS! 

Before communion I always take a minute or two and repent and confess anything I feel I have done wrong, to God. It is between He and I. It is a beautiful thing. 

What makes one person worthy and another unworthy? Seriously!? 

People kid themselves if they think they are worthy and a peer isn't. Because technically NONE OF US are worthy!!! And we all deserve to rot in hell! But because of Jesus hanging bloody and broken on the cross, we can be forgiven!! 

And that is beautiful. 

JESUS SAVES!! 

THE KEY WORDS IN THESE VERSES ARE "ALL AND WHOEVER". It is for everyone at whatever time they choose to turn towards Christ and repent. 

Forgiveness is not conditional. It is unconditional. If someone apologizes they need to be forgiven. God forgives us. 

It is a scary concept to think that other men are keeping forgiveness from their fellow man just because if a set of rules. 

 

It is only logical that people won't feel forgiven if they are excluded from partaking in a ritual that is meant to be a reminder of Jesus' sacrifice. It allows us to remember we have a great hope in Jesus! 

WE ALL SIN! 

I'm so irritated by the fact that people are living their lives feeling condemned. 

And I pray they are able to see the evil behind forbidding someone to take sacrament. 

End rant. 

Bible verses::::

But now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. (Romans 3:21-26 NKJV)

1 Corinthians 11:23-26 (ESV) 

For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death till He comes. 

JOHN 6:26 Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal.”…. I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

This is what life is about.

It isn't about me. 

I have been sitting her snuggling with Elijah & contemplating my life. We only have one chance at this life. One chance to do right things. Moments come and go, and we can't get them back. When you don't give something a real shot, you will have regrets. Keep going. If it is something good and solid it is important to keep at it. 

 I have been living the past four years with that in mind. I decided to dedicate my life to Christ and I refuse to stop. 

And I am especially glad that I have given my all to this sweet little boy that is asleep in my arms. Through tears, sleepless nights and constant change, I keep going. I continue to pray and do what is truly best for him. Not what is best for me. 

We had a rough start. Labor was beyond intense and overwhelming. Nursing was hard at first. But I know breast is best. It simply is. No questions about it. 

I am praying that anyone struggling right now will keep doing the right thing. 

Excuse their andomness it's late and I am just jotting things down to expand on when I can get to my computer. I currentt have a 25 pound teething one year old on my chest. 

Our Breastfeeding journey...

I wanted to write down my experience. I have had several women tell me I must've had it easy when it comes to nursing my son. And that's why I love it so much.

But that is not the reality of my journey. ; Not at all. 

We had a rough start. I'm sure our 30 hour labor had something to do with the struggle. Elijahbear slept for the first 24 hours. I tried to get him to latch. And I offered him my breast every time he stirred or woke. But he wasn't interested. And this was ok because my milk hadn't come in yet. 

For the first week, every day was a constant struggle. Elijah was not a vocal baby. 

He did not cry unless his diaper was being changed. .

 And you might think that a non crier was a good thing. But it made it extra hard to know if he was hungry or not. So any time he would move or appear to be rooting around, I offered him the breast. 

Most times he would try. But he wasn't really sucking right and he was not latching on. The midwives had checked his tongue and lip. They were not tied at all. 

Not properly latching was making my nipples so sore. They cracked and bled. It was overwhelmingly painful. 

I cried.

 I squeezed pillows. And did my best to stay calm. 

I prayed. 

God gave me peace. 

I persevered. 

I watched tv to distract me. It helped. 

I could feel God's presence. I knew it was my duty to continue. 

One night, I used a pacifier to help Elijah learn how to suck properly. That helped. He just needed a little guidance. And we never used the pacifier again. I did use my finger to help him learn how to suck. 

Praise God!

Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of it. But wow was it 

P A I N F U L !! 

It was excruciatingly painful and almost unbearable. That pain lasted 3 weeks. That is how long it took my skin to crack, bleed and heal over 2 times. And then, one day, zero pain. Imagine using a body part in a new way and add on saliva and almost constant use with intense suction. The skin took time to adjust. 

But I didn't care. My nipples were cracked and bleeding a little bit. 

But I didn't care.

My milk let down was quite strong and tingled and my breasts itched. 

But I did not care. 

 It was NOT about me. 

 Elijah was learning how to eat and I was feeding him. It was so beautiful that I didn't care that it was overwhelmingly painful. 

I just kept going. 

Smooth fabric and stretchy bras and olive oil helped a lot!  

I was going to succeed.

 I knew God designed it to work. 

But I knew from reading and hearing my mom talk about her experience, that it is a learning process. 

A day in our life at that time was quite tiring. But it was also quite beautiful. 

Elijah wanted to eat every 2 hours or so. But I didn't keep track. Some days he ate randomly. No rhyme or reason or schedule. Other days it was like clockwork: every 2 hours. 

Kaleb slept on the couch because he had to be up at 5am for work. Elijah and I shared the bed. I slept when he slept and sometimes, I even slept when he was nursing. When he was brand new, he slept on my chest or Kaleb's chest. Once he was a little older he slept next to me in bed. I would hear in stir and latch him on. He would eat and doze back off. This routine lasted for several months. As soon as Elijah was 3 months, Kaleb joined us in bed. I slept in the middle and Elijah slept to my left. It was brilliant. I never had to get up to feed him. I had to keep water at arms length so I could hydrate properly. Soon, Elijah was able to find my breast on his own and eat, I often, never woke up, not really. It was a state of zombie, as Kaleb would say. He said my eyes were open, I would grab Elijah, and he'd nurse. And we would both go back to sleep. He said I moved with such ease and grace. It seemed so simple, he said. It was complete instinct. And I was and am happy to do it. 

I needed to give my baby a chance to learn how to properly nurse. And use his tongue and lips and throat correctly. And what is an appropriate amount of time to let someone become an expert at something? 

A week?

A month? 

3 months? 

WHAT?

None of us adults become good at something on our first try. It usually takes months of practice. Then it becomes like second nature. Don't brand new humans deserve that same amount of time? 

I believe they do. 

We tend to set babies in a separate category. As if these tiny perfect humans aren't real humans yet. But they are. They need skin to skin contact. They need to be held and loved. 

 Our society keeps them at arms length. Before they are even born, plans are in place to give them to strangers. So parents can do important work. 

Daycare waiting lists are full. 

Infants come out of the womb and instantly they are often rubbed down and dried off. And placed under bright lights. I know I wouldn't want to be rubbed down and placed under a fluorescent light after spending 10 months in a perfect, cozy, warm environment. 

But we do it to newborns. 

Traumatizing. 

When it came to breastfeeding, I did not factor in my feelings AT ALL. I set them aside. It was for the benefit of another human being. A being that lived inside of my body for 10 months. His needs surpassed my own. He needed me. 

About 2 weeks into his life, Elijah started to spit up his meals. So I researched and decided to stop eating dairy. Even though, I enjoy cookies and milk, yogurt, cereal, ice cream and cheese of all kinds; ESPECIALLY Parmesan. But I stopped eating all of those things. And Elijah stopped regurgitating my milk. 

I tried reintroducing dairy several times but he would have an episode. So I quit trying. 

Oh how I missed diary products. 

Especially Parmesan cheese! 

When Elijah was 10 months old, I prayed and decided to try dairy. And what do you know, Elijah didn't react at all. His poop stayed the same and he didn't throw up my milk. 

I still do not consume large amounts if dairy because my body is still not used to it. And may never be able to handle it again. But I enjoy ice cream and Parmesan cheese now! 

I love that God created these processes. 
Pregnancy. 

Labor. 

Delivery. 

Breastfeeding. 

They are splendid. The child grows inside of the mother. The mothers body bring a the baby earth side. Then the mother uses her body to feed her child. It is so beautiful. 

My body has been feeding Elijah for over 22 months. 

[10 months womb side and 12 months earth side.] 

I find it judgmental when women assume that our journey the past 12 months has been a cake walk. It isn't fair to assume ANYTHING about anyone's journey into motherhood. Instead of making assumptions, ask me. Ask the mother how things are going. I'm an open book. Many of us love to answer questions. All areas of motherhood are to be shared with others; especially with other moms and future mothers. I enjoy telling my life story. 

But I believe in honesty. 

Cold. Hard. Truth. 

Even if that truth isn't all rainbows and butterflies, I tell it. I have to. I can't live any other way. 

If you didn't breastfeed, that is your choice. Please don't make a breastfeeding mom feel bad for her success. 

No one can make you feel guilty for making a choice. If you feel guilt. Search within yourself and find the root cause of that guilt. Do you have regrets? Give those to The Lord. Repent of the things you feel you messed up on. There is no sense in living with that guilt. 

But the part that is hard for me to handle is the blame game. Women who didn't nurse their baby(ies) point the finger at us who did. And they often say, it's our fault. By rejoicing in our triumphs and breastfeeding successes, we make them feel bad for bottle feeding. Even though, we never address bottle feeding or out right bash anyone using bottles. We each must choose our path.

We have simply made the choice to avoid bottles. 

It isn't fair to push the blame in our direction. I won't blame anyone using bottles for the struggles we faced at the beginning.

If you are truly confident that you made the best decision for your child, you should not have any guilt. You should feel pleased. You should feel proud; just as proud and elated as we who breastfeed. 

If you sit here and read this and my words have made you feel feelings of guilt. That is inside of YOU. Those are your raw emotions coming up. 

Deal with them. Think about why you feel that way.  
Truly, think about your feelings.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Why do I feel guilty? 
Where do those feelings come from?
What is the root cause of that guilt?

Just as roots of bitterness can grab a hold of us, the same happens with guilt. We need to yank that guilt weed out by it's roots. The easiest way, repent. Simply, tell God your thoughts. He instantly forgives. The hardest part is forgiving ourselves. 

No one forced me to do this. I chose what is best for my child. The science and truth that breast milk is better cannot be shaken. It is best.

Elijah loves nursing. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I've always thought that 3 is my cut-off but now, with research, I believe nursing longer than 3 can be beneficial health wise. I will be one of those so-called "weirdos" that is STILL nursing. 

We plan to try for baby #2 this summer. And I plan on continuing to nurse Elijah as long as he still wants to. These days, he comes and asks for it. He is learning to say "please" in sign language. He does a good job! 

Because of breastfeeding, my cycle has not returned {and I don't miss it}. But that doesn't mean my body can't get pregnant. With the presence of sperm, often a woman's body will quickly ovulate. We shall see what happens. We have been praying and weighing what God wants for us. 

I will end with this:::::

As Christian women, do we kid ourselves and think that Jesus actually wanted to be crucified??! 

He didn't. 

He begged God to take that cup from him. But if it was the Lord's will, Jesus said he would keep going. 

 It's right there in the Bible. 

Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours), the least I could do was deal with some pain in order to give my son what he needs to be healthy. 

PS- Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy the ups and downs. Enjoy the struggle. Because before you know it, it will be over. I sit on the cusp of that day. Elijah is starting to love food and not want to nurse as much. I am glad we had the time we did! 

ENJOY IT!