My journey to Surrender

I want to share my journey to Baby #2. I hope that it brings anyone who reads it to a place of peace. But more importantly, I pray it shows you that surrendering to the God of the universe is always worth it. I will explain what I mean later on.

Let's back up to JUNE 2014.

Kaleb and I had been praying and feeling like we should let God plan our family. And we both want several more children. So we decided to let things unfold naturally. But, if I'm honest I wanted a baby to happen soon.

July, August, September, October, November, all went by and no baby. I thought, no big deal, we will just keep going. But I was starting to get sad.

January, nope.
February, my monthly was late, nut nope, I wasn't pregnant.

Over winter last year is when I really started to feel sad. I wondered why it wasn't happening. Part of this sadness was because things happened right away with Elijah.

But God had a different journey for me. I remember driving one day, this summer and praying and talking to God. And in all seriousness, my thoughts and words were coming from an angry place, a sad place; from a "why me? Why are you doing this God? What I want isn't bad, I just want a baby" My heart was whiny and I had dug my spiritual heals in. I did not want to budge.

Plain and simple.

That day, I remember so clearly, I wish I would've written down the date. I believe it was in May 2015. God impressed these words into my mind, "Why aren't you content? If Elijah is your only child is that good enough? It should be."

BAM.

God has a way of getting right to the point. He knows me perfectly. I knew the words were from God, because my own mind would never think of them, not in a million years. They brought me to my knees (metaphorically of course as I was driving). I wept in the car. I had gotten so caught up in my own pity party that I hadn't wanted to surrender to God's ultimate plan.


For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100:5


If I know God is good because the Bible tells me just that, then why was I arguing?


The other big revelation I had was that the journey to surrendering means more when it's been difficult. And what I mean by that is, only if we've been resisting God's will and insisting we know best, only then does it mean a great deal to let go of our plans and soften our hearts and trust in God.


I wept that day in the car for two reasons. One was a feeling of embarrassment for my childish words to God. But the other reason is hard to explain. I looked at Elijah in his car seat and was thankful. This boy of ours is a wonderful child. He is exactly what our family needed in 2013 and he continues to be exactly what our world needs now. How could I not be okay with him being my only child? Many women don't get the chance to carry a child of their own.



In the car that day, I said,
Okay God,
1. I'm sorry for my selfish mindset.
2. Today, I move forward. I surrender. I let go of my plans. And I will wait on you.

He says, 

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10


I was going to choose to be still and rest in knowing, the same God who created the world, who sent His son to die in my place for my sins, will take care of me and my heart. I also decided to pray every day for a child. I was so caught in being sad I hadn't been praying daily for a baby. I struggle and often think it annoys God to pray for the same things over and over. That is my own human nature putting impatience and an unapproachable personality onto God. When He doesn't hold those qualities.


this journey of patience and surrender has brought me ever so close to my Lord. It showed me, once again how God knew what I needed before I did. It showed me that being sad or mad or frustrated or angry are all OKAY emotions. We cannot help the emotions that arise within us. Nor does God want us to ignore them. What he wants is for us to bring those feelings to Him. When we do that we are less likely to act out in a sinful manner. We can leave our hearts and feelings in God's hands.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30


He is our Father in Heaven.
He sees me and He loves me.
He sees you and He loves you.
He sees us and He loves us.


He wants us to trust Him.


So often, we are afraid of negative feelings. I know I am. I think God will be displeased with me for being sad or angry. But He isn't. He is there and His grace abounds in our deepest struggles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


September 24, 2015 I was late. But, we had been here before and I prayed.
I said,
Okay, Lord, whatever the result, it's okay. The life you've laid before me is yours and I'm grateful. Help me to continue to be content.


PRAYER IS POWERFUL!
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
1 Chronicles 16:11

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6



The test was positive!
I couldn't believe it!
What a beautiful surprise!


God had me walk a trial specifically tailored to who I am. It's hard to explain in words. But I look back and I needed to come to a humble place of surrender. It has deepened my relationship with the Lord and it has strengthened my daily walk with Jesus.


Side note:
The other major thing I learned from this: 1. DON'T randomly ask people when is baby #2 coming. If you have to ask, you obviously don't know the struggle the woman/couple has been facing.
2. And DO NOT say "it's about time." When someone announces another pregnancy. Just don't. It's hurtful if the people have lost a baby, miscarried or simply waited as I did.
All of or sadness is real. Be kind when you speak.


In the end---
The tears, the anger and the worry all served a purpose. How could I know peace and contentment without first being tormented and discontented?


I hope by reading this, you are encouraged. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are, God is near. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. He's not mad or disappointed. He is simply waiting for you.


This life may be difficult, tragedy occurs but God is constant through all things. He brings beauty out of ashes.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
Isaiah 61:1-3


We are each given the life we have. God sets us in our families. It's our choice to choose Jesus and seek after Him.

My prayer is that by sharing my journey you are encouraged. I pray you seek Jesus and find the grace waiting for you.

This verse has been my mantra through this journey, God placed it on my heart a few weeks ago.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”


All my love,


Jenni

Homeschooling? How dumb!

SAID NO ADULT EVER (WHO WAS ACTUALLY HOMESCHOOLED WELL)!!!!

 I read the entire transcript of Obamas speech. The one where he says all sorts of lovely stuff about women. And then claims that women are forced to stay home because childcare isn't available. 

I want to know how many women that ACTUALLY is? 

Find me a stat. A number. I want the proof from the horses mouth. 

I see that women who want to work, can and do. He wants to magically make daycare more available and better? By what funding it through the government? Sending our kids to institutions ran by government workers? Where do these magic daycare/childcare providers come from? They must be women, right? 

How does he think he will create better child care programs? He says all this wishy washy stuff. But never says HOW he will accomplish it. And no one ever thinks about it all the way through. 

As a homeschooled individual, it's extremely demeaning & insulting to say that children are better taught outside of the home. ..

"because we know investing in high-quality early childhood education makes all the difference in the world." -Obama

And frankly, it's ignorant to claim children are better educated by professionals with strangers sitting all around. Some children NEED one on one attention. 

Staying home was a stress free, bully free, schedule free, environment. I made choices about my education when I was 10. I was able to choose what projects to do. And I was able to focus on things I liked to learn about while also incorporating important educational areas - reading, writing, math, science, history. 

So to say that a child is best served in a classroom of 30 students at age 3, isn't fair. Not all children thrive in chaos. Actually, most do not enjoy it. 

Our son is very social, get him in a huge group of people and he clams up. It overwhelms him. And why wouldn't it? And why is it said to be bad if he can't handle loud groups of people? I can already tell, he learns best when he's one and one. He needs quiet, loving attention.

And I will provide him with opportunities and experiences in group settings. We will join home educating co-ops for group learning. And he will get socialized. I promise. 

Somehow I managed to be homeschooled and still attend highschool and graduate with honors! And then obtain two college degrees. I have my associates degree and LPN. 

 Weird.

 Shouldn't I have been stupid from all my "home edumacating" by someone who isn't a qualified professional? 

HOW could someone dumb home educate me? Is that a serious question? 

World Smile Day

This has been one of the longest days of our parenting career. I am so glad to be on the other side of it. I lay here in our warm bed so thankful. Thankful to God for sending me a great husband to care for our family. And to show God's love to our son. I am so thankful for our health. So many parents spend endless days & nights in hospital rooms, praying for their sick child. I am so thankful for the prayers of friends and family, near & far. It touches me that Instagram facilitates such a community. I cherish the friendships I have made. I digress,- this day has so many emotions. And I am still praying for the people involved in a terrible car accident as we drove back home from Mankato. I am so thankful for such a lovely & kind dentist. She made everything better for our sweet boy! And she told us we are great parents & to not worry about his teeth problems being our fault. I needed to hear that. I truly did. This whole day has been more proof that my Father in Heaven is watching & taking care of us. 

My job.

How we treat our kids is most important. As the world systematically crushes the hearts of children, it's our job as parents to teach & show our children that God is for them. 

The above statement came to me as I watched my son wave and smile at a passerby who didn't return the gesture. And this isn't the first time I've observed this type of interaction. If we are out in public, it happens often. Usually, I say, "are you saying hi Elijah?"  Then and only then do the people change their facial expressions from blank/annoyed. And they give a smile or a wave and maybe just maybe say hello. 

It hit me that it's my job as Elijah's mother (and my husband's) to show him that he's special. And that being friendly is always the right thing to do. 

We must model this behavior for him. Because clearly the world and the people living in it, will not always be as kind. But we have to press on and continue to be kind without expecting anything in return. 

I can see that it would be easy to get discouraged as a child. Especially one who is just learning to communicate. He tries to and people just stare at him like he's an alien. Seriously, people react more to puppies and kittens then they do to my son! 

And maybe it's the area in which we live. I sure hope so. I hope people are more friendly in less harsh of climates. But that isn't where we live. We live here. Here in MN where people can be very cold. And people tend to be antisocial unless they are drunk. 

But no matter what. It's still my job to impart God's love to my child(ren). 

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 

Things aren't always what they seem

We've had a few rough nights this past week. Not quite sure why or what's the deal. But taking each new day as it comes and praying over our sweet boy. #Ebear has been clingy & really wants to be near us at night. I'm not one for forcing the issue when it comes to sleep. I follow my instincts. My mama radar is up. And either he's working through a growth spurt of epik proportions or perhaps he's about to learn a bunch of words and his brain is on overdrive. He's had a few other spells of sleep regression that appears as anxiety on the surface and in about 6-8 days it works itself out. And he's back to spending nights in his crib. Until then, I sit back and enjoy the cuddles because before we know he will be big & won't need them. #iloveyou #4amconfessions #momlife