My journey to Surrender

I want to share my journey to Baby #2. I hope that it brings anyone who reads it to a place of peace. But more importantly, I pray it shows you that surrendering to the God of the universe is always worth it. I will explain what I mean later on.

Let's back up to JUNE 2014.

Kaleb and I had been praying and feeling like we should let God plan our family. And we both want several more children. So we decided to let things unfold naturally. But, if I'm honest I wanted a baby to happen soon.

July, August, September, October, November, all went by and no baby. I thought, no big deal, we will just keep going. But I was starting to get sad.

January, nope.
February, my monthly was late, nut nope, I wasn't pregnant.

Over winter last year is when I really started to feel sad. I wondered why it wasn't happening. Part of this sadness was because things happened right away with Elijah.

But God had a different journey for me. I remember driving one day, this summer and praying and talking to God. And in all seriousness, my thoughts and words were coming from an angry place, a sad place; from a "why me? Why are you doing this God? What I want isn't bad, I just want a baby" My heart was whiny and I had dug my spiritual heals in. I did not want to budge.

Plain and simple.

That day, I remember so clearly, I wish I would've written down the date. I believe it was in May 2015. God impressed these words into my mind, "Why aren't you content? If Elijah is your only child is that good enough? It should be."

BAM.

God has a way of getting right to the point. He knows me perfectly. I knew the words were from God, because my own mind would never think of them, not in a million years. They brought me to my knees (metaphorically of course as I was driving). I wept in the car. I had gotten so caught up in my own pity party that I hadn't wanted to surrender to God's ultimate plan.


For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100:5


If I know God is good because the Bible tells me just that, then why was I arguing?


The other big revelation I had was that the journey to surrendering means more when it's been difficult. And what I mean by that is, only if we've been resisting God's will and insisting we know best, only then does it mean a great deal to let go of our plans and soften our hearts and trust in God.


I wept that day in the car for two reasons. One was a feeling of embarrassment for my childish words to God. But the other reason is hard to explain. I looked at Elijah in his car seat and was thankful. This boy of ours is a wonderful child. He is exactly what our family needed in 2013 and he continues to be exactly what our world needs now. How could I not be okay with him being my only child? Many women don't get the chance to carry a child of their own.



In the car that day, I said,
Okay God,
1. I'm sorry for my selfish mindset.
2. Today, I move forward. I surrender. I let go of my plans. And I will wait on you.

He says, 

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10


I was going to choose to be still and rest in knowing, the same God who created the world, who sent His son to die in my place for my sins, will take care of me and my heart. I also decided to pray every day for a child. I was so caught in being sad I hadn't been praying daily for a baby. I struggle and often think it annoys God to pray for the same things over and over. That is my own human nature putting impatience and an unapproachable personality onto God. When He doesn't hold those qualities.


this journey of patience and surrender has brought me ever so close to my Lord. It showed me, once again how God knew what I needed before I did. It showed me that being sad or mad or frustrated or angry are all OKAY emotions. We cannot help the emotions that arise within us. Nor does God want us to ignore them. What he wants is for us to bring those feelings to Him. When we do that we are less likely to act out in a sinful manner. We can leave our hearts and feelings in God's hands.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30


He is our Father in Heaven.
He sees me and He loves me.
He sees you and He loves you.
He sees us and He loves us.


He wants us to trust Him.


So often, we are afraid of negative feelings. I know I am. I think God will be displeased with me for being sad or angry. But He isn't. He is there and His grace abounds in our deepest struggles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


September 24, 2015 I was late. But, we had been here before and I prayed.
I said,
Okay, Lord, whatever the result, it's okay. The life you've laid before me is yours and I'm grateful. Help me to continue to be content.


PRAYER IS POWERFUL!
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
1 Chronicles 16:11

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6



The test was positive!
I couldn't believe it!
What a beautiful surprise!


God had me walk a trial specifically tailored to who I am. It's hard to explain in words. But I look back and I needed to come to a humble place of surrender. It has deepened my relationship with the Lord and it has strengthened my daily walk with Jesus.


Side note:
The other major thing I learned from this: 1. DON'T randomly ask people when is baby #2 coming. If you have to ask, you obviously don't know the struggle the woman/couple has been facing.
2. And DO NOT say "it's about time." When someone announces another pregnancy. Just don't. It's hurtful if the people have lost a baby, miscarried or simply waited as I did.
All of or sadness is real. Be kind when you speak.


In the end---
The tears, the anger and the worry all served a purpose. How could I know peace and contentment without first being tormented and discontented?


I hope by reading this, you are encouraged. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are, God is near. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. He's not mad or disappointed. He is simply waiting for you.


This life may be difficult, tragedy occurs but God is constant through all things. He brings beauty out of ashes.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
Isaiah 61:1-3


We are each given the life we have. God sets us in our families. It's our choice to choose Jesus and seek after Him.

My prayer is that by sharing my journey you are encouraged. I pray you seek Jesus and find the grace waiting for you.

This verse has been my mantra through this journey, God placed it on my heart a few weeks ago.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”


All my love,


Jenni

4 | 52

WEEK FOUR

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

1.25.13

E enjoyed hanging out in the hotel! All sorts of new furniture to climb and things to discover! 

I think this is his "another picture mom?" face!

\\ A mother's heart //

 

I could sit here and complain about how I have been stuck in the house with Elijah since December 29th. We've only left twice to get food. But this is my reality. I started to post things to Facebook when the weather was ruining our plans but then I realized that I shouldn't do that. I prayed and felt much better. We must make the best of our realities. Whatever they may be. I cannot change that my car is broken and the weather is frightful. The cold forced us to postpone Elijah's Birthday party. I had a momentary sadness about it. But then I slept on it and prayed and rescheduled it for January 11th. I must choose to enjoy myself. I can keep my hands and mind busy with cleaning, crafts, and playing with Elijah.

When it is warm out, people complain that it is too hot. Then, when winter hits, people complain that it's too cold. I wonder if it is like this everywhere or is it just a Midwestern thing? Is life THAT boring that people must complain about these mundane things? Why do we have to complain at all? It is quite disheartening to read all of the complaints about children on Facebook. Most children spend their days in institutions away from their parents. When school is canceled because it is so cold out that the temperature could literally freeze our skin, parents complain that they can't handle being with their kids any longer. "One more day with my kids and I am going lose my mind." Are you serious? That makes me sad when I read that kind of thing. Keep that to yourself. Take those thoughts to Jesus and leave them there.

Young children look to their parents for attention and love and validation. The way we treat them alters their view of God and Jesus. How could they grow up to believe that a BIG GOD exists that loves them fiercely when their earthly parents don't love them appropriately. Children are sweet and have vulnerable hearts. I am a woman so I come at this subject from a mother's perspective. As mothers, it's our job to guard the hearts of our children, teach them patience and guide them as they grow. They learn by our example. If we set a bad example, how can we expect our children to act right? It is important that we realize, what we do when our children aren't looking is just as important as when they are watching. Secrets we keep and things we say or type out on Facebook can affect our children.

I believe whole heartedly that the Bible is true. The only true word of God. and the Bible says,

Galations 6:7-8 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

If we sow our negative thoughts, negativity will come back to us. It is God's law. The world has twisted it to be "karma" but it is reaping and sowing. Plain and simple. We have to make sure that as Christ followers, we pray and seek the right thing. I often fall short and get sad. But what I have learned is, it is important to not run from any of our feelings. What is important is, how we act about those feelings. We may feel sick of being cooped up indoors but we cannot let that affect how we act towards our children. We can feel annoyed but it isn't our children's fault that we feel this way. Those children did NOT choose to exist. We are the ones who chose to have sex and conceive them. Then once they are here, we are annoyed with them? To me, that doesn't seem logical. It is most definitely not right.
It is our job to raise our children. WE are ALL born with a sinful nature. And we want what we want. As mothers (and fathers) it is our duty to teach our children how to act and how to live in a free society. We have to show our children the right way. WE have to be ever present and learning from our mistakes. We have to realize that it is NOT a child's fault that they are bratty or annoying. Somewhere along the way, that means, as a parent we may have made some mistakes. We have to sit down and repent of those mistakes and ask the Lord to help us do better and do right by our children.

We cannot let our children rule over us. Because they will and honestly, it is our fault if we let them. Children will manipulate and get the things they want; Adults do this too. It is up to us as the adults to set boundaries and speak kindly to them. We must be firm, and loving.

I know I only have a one year old baby. But let me tell you, he is determined. ALL day, I am telling him no and redirecting his behavior. He tries and tries and keeps on trying to get his way. I have to be loving and firm. If I let him win, he will think he runs the show. And I can already see that I have to win every battle that arises. If I don't do it now, he will be even THAT much harder to deal with as he gets bigger.

By the time he is 5 or 6, I want him to be able to enjoy the beautiful world around him and also know that he has to listen to me and to Kaleb. And if he doesn't there will be consequences. And not empty lame words without follow through. I mean actual, real consequences. Empty threats that we spew out don't do any good because kids learn that they are empty. Then they rule the show.

That's all I have for now on this subject. I am slowly learning and gleaning wisdom. One year of parenting down. And it was the easy year. Now comes the beginning of the hard work.

Lord, I pray that with each passing day I seek You more and continually do my best to see things through Your eyes. Thank You, for Elijah and the gift of being a mother. It means the world to me. Thank You, for Kaleb. Thank You, for a warm house and the food on our table. The lasagna we had tonight was wonderful!
Thank You, for, Jesus.
Through Him I pray,
Amen.

Happy New Year!!

T W E N T Y
T H I R T E E N

WAS AN AMAZING YEAR!
 IT WAS FULL OF CHALLENGES AND CHANGES AND SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

THIS YEAR:::

 I LEARNED HOW TO BE A MOTHER,
I SUCCESFULLY NURSED ELIJAH AND WE ARE STILL GOING STRONG
KALEB AND I FOUND A LOVELY HOUSE TO RENT
LAST WEEKEND I DECORATED FOR A WEDDING AND THAT WAS A FIRST AND HOPEFULLY NOT A LAST!
I HAVE STRIVED TO READ MY BIBLE MORE AND DIG DEEPER INTO WHAT GOD'S WORD SAYS ABOUT LIFE. THE MORE I DO THIS, THE MORE I SEE THAT THIS REALLY IS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE.
KALEB AND I HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS AS ANY COUPLE DOES. BUT IT HAS BEEN SO WONDERFUL TO SEE HIM IN HIS ROLE AS ELIJAH'S FATHER. THEY HAVE A SPECIAL BOND. IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER AS THE YEARS CONTINUE.
THIS YEAR WE FOUND OUT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A NEPHEW IN JANUARY!
MY BABY SISTER TURNED EIGHTEEN
I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO COOK MY NONA'S SPAGHETTI SAUCE BY HEART *YAY*
I SUCCESSFULLY FLEW ACROSS THE COUNTRY 3 TIMES WITH A BABY IN TOW. *INTENSE*
BEING A MOTHER IS MY GREATEST JOY. TRULY. EACH DAY HAS STRUGGLES AND HIGHS AND LOWS. BUT EACH DAY GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

WE LOOK FORWARD TO 2014. WE HAVE BEEN PRAYING AND DISCUSSING AND  WE WOULD LIKE TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN THIS SUMMER. WE ARE PRAYING THAT THIS WILL HAPPEN. WE KNOW IT IS GOD'S TIMING BUT WE ALSO KNOW HE CARES ABOUT OUR HEARTS DESIRES.AND THAT IS SO SO EXCITING! AND I WOULD PREFER TO NOT BE DUE IN THE DEAD OF MINNESOTA WINTER. IT WAS NOT ENJOYABLE AND TRULY, IT WASN'T SAFE. AND WE LIVE EVEN FURTHER FROM ANY MAJOR CITY. MIDIWVES ARE ABOUT 1.5 HOURS AWAY GIVE OR TAKE.

I CAN'T WRAP MY MIND AROUND THE FACT THAT IT'S

T W E N T Y
F O U R T E E N
!!!

This week in our life.. 5.7.13

This week is nice and slow!

But this weekend will be busy! 

Pray this cold heals up! 

Thursday my sister is coming home fromMinneapolis!

So Elijah and I are making the 1.5 hr trip to my parent's house!  

Friday we are finishing up with any last minute baby shower things! Because we are throwing our friend M an 

AHOY! IT'S A BOY! Shower! 

We have amazing things planned!! 

Can't wait!! 

It was finally nice out and we were able to hang out in a blanket outside yesterday! 

I am so glad we did because it is gloomy and rainy today! I'm going to spend all day resting and healing! 

Both mama and baby boy E are sick today! Yeesh! 

This has been rough!

But I feel God helping me stay strong mentally! 

Diving into His word {The Bible} daily, is a big help.

A constant reminder that HE IS our healer! 

I am feeling as though yesterday was the roughest day! 

Today the cable man is here, setting up DirectTv!! Yay! 

I've never had cable before! 

But since we are so far out in the boonies, we thought it may be a good idea. This way Kaleb and I can watch movies on our date nights. And we don't have to drive 20 minutes to rent a movie! Lol! 

Country living! 

We moved to a town of 369 people! As of the 2010 census! So perhaps with us moving here its 372?! Lol

Who knows.

This town has:

a post office

A convenience store

A farmers coop

Wind turbines

A meat market

A bar {{go figure it's Minnesota! Bars are people's everything! 

It's quite sad}}

Basically we are in a town but its a tiny farming community. If you aren't a farmer you work for Toro {factory of Toro items} which is 20 minutes away!

So I don't want to hear any complaining from anyone! The nearest Walmart is 35 minutes away!! 

I will take some photos of this town when I am feeling better!

This is silly but I learned how to make a smiley face with a mustache! ---

:-})

Happy Wednesday everyone!!