My journey to Surrender

I want to share my journey to Baby #2. I hope that it brings anyone who reads it to a place of peace. But more importantly, I pray it shows you that surrendering to the God of the universe is always worth it. I will explain what I mean later on.

Let's back up to JUNE 2014.

Kaleb and I had been praying and feeling like we should let God plan our family. And we both want several more children. So we decided to let things unfold naturally. But, if I'm honest I wanted a baby to happen soon.

July, August, September, October, November, all went by and no baby. I thought, no big deal, we will just keep going. But I was starting to get sad.

January, nope.
February, my monthly was late, nut nope, I wasn't pregnant.

Over winter last year is when I really started to feel sad. I wondered why it wasn't happening. Part of this sadness was because things happened right away with Elijah.

But God had a different journey for me. I remember driving one day, this summer and praying and talking to God. And in all seriousness, my thoughts and words were coming from an angry place, a sad place; from a "why me? Why are you doing this God? What I want isn't bad, I just want a baby" My heart was whiny and I had dug my spiritual heals in. I did not want to budge.

Plain and simple.

That day, I remember so clearly, I wish I would've written down the date. I believe it was in May 2015. God impressed these words into my mind, "Why aren't you content? If Elijah is your only child is that good enough? It should be."

BAM.

God has a way of getting right to the point. He knows me perfectly. I knew the words were from God, because my own mind would never think of them, not in a million years. They brought me to my knees (metaphorically of course as I was driving). I wept in the car. I had gotten so caught up in my own pity party that I hadn't wanted to surrender to God's ultimate plan.


For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100:5


If I know God is good because the Bible tells me just that, then why was I arguing?


The other big revelation I had was that the journey to surrendering means more when it's been difficult. And what I mean by that is, only if we've been resisting God's will and insisting we know best, only then does it mean a great deal to let go of our plans and soften our hearts and trust in God.


I wept that day in the car for two reasons. One was a feeling of embarrassment for my childish words to God. But the other reason is hard to explain. I looked at Elijah in his car seat and was thankful. This boy of ours is a wonderful child. He is exactly what our family needed in 2013 and he continues to be exactly what our world needs now. How could I not be okay with him being my only child? Many women don't get the chance to carry a child of their own.



In the car that day, I said,
Okay God,
1. I'm sorry for my selfish mindset.
2. Today, I move forward. I surrender. I let go of my plans. And I will wait on you.

He says, 

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10


I was going to choose to be still and rest in knowing, the same God who created the world, who sent His son to die in my place for my sins, will take care of me and my heart. I also decided to pray every day for a child. I was so caught in being sad I hadn't been praying daily for a baby. I struggle and often think it annoys God to pray for the same things over and over. That is my own human nature putting impatience and an unapproachable personality onto God. When He doesn't hold those qualities.


this journey of patience and surrender has brought me ever so close to my Lord. It showed me, once again how God knew what I needed before I did. It showed me that being sad or mad or frustrated or angry are all OKAY emotions. We cannot help the emotions that arise within us. Nor does God want us to ignore them. What he wants is for us to bring those feelings to Him. When we do that we are less likely to act out in a sinful manner. We can leave our hearts and feelings in God's hands.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30


He is our Father in Heaven.
He sees me and He loves me.
He sees you and He loves you.
He sees us and He loves us.


He wants us to trust Him.


So often, we are afraid of negative feelings. I know I am. I think God will be displeased with me for being sad or angry. But He isn't. He is there and His grace abounds in our deepest struggles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


September 24, 2015 I was late. But, we had been here before and I prayed.
I said,
Okay, Lord, whatever the result, it's okay. The life you've laid before me is yours and I'm grateful. Help me to continue to be content.


PRAYER IS POWERFUL!
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
1 Chronicles 16:11

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6



The test was positive!
I couldn't believe it!
What a beautiful surprise!


God had me walk a trial specifically tailored to who I am. It's hard to explain in words. But I look back and I needed to come to a humble place of surrender. It has deepened my relationship with the Lord and it has strengthened my daily walk with Jesus.


Side note:
The other major thing I learned from this: 1. DON'T randomly ask people when is baby #2 coming. If you have to ask, you obviously don't know the struggle the woman/couple has been facing.
2. And DO NOT say "it's about time." When someone announces another pregnancy. Just don't. It's hurtful if the people have lost a baby, miscarried or simply waited as I did.
All of or sadness is real. Be kind when you speak.


In the end---
The tears, the anger and the worry all served a purpose. How could I know peace and contentment without first being tormented and discontented?


I hope by reading this, you are encouraged. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are, God is near. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. He's not mad or disappointed. He is simply waiting for you.


This life may be difficult, tragedy occurs but God is constant through all things. He brings beauty out of ashes.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
Isaiah 61:1-3


We are each given the life we have. God sets us in our families. It's our choice to choose Jesus and seek after Him.

My prayer is that by sharing my journey you are encouraged. I pray you seek Jesus and find the grace waiting for you.

This verse has been my mantra through this journey, God placed it on my heart a few weeks ago.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”


All my love,


Jenni

Is this really the BEST we can do?

Why do we have the view that a one year old should be able to handle being all alone at night??

Why is it "babyish" for a 4 year old to need his mom? 

Why is an infant expected to sleep through the night? 

Why is 2 the magic potty training age? 

Why is breastfeeding past age one such a stigma? 

Why is an 18 month old expected to always feed themselves and stop being like a baby? 

Why is needing to be held a bad thing? At any age? 

WHY? 

These are just a few of the questions I have about our American modern parenting ideas. 

Since becoming a parent, I have learned one major thing: The American way of parenting is a bunch of cow poop! Seriously! 

There are all of these expectations. Demanding that children grow up faster than they need to is the main one. The moment a child is born there are all sorts of expectations. And the infant is constantly failing. Never measuring up to what society says he or she should be doing! 

But my question is, why!? Why do these expectations exist? Why do we cow tail to society? 

Why do we force babies to do things? Why don't more parents research what is ACTUALLY best for the baby!? --Not what doctors SAY is best. 

Why don't we let the baby stay a baby? They spend 9-10 months inside of our bodies. Then in a flash we expect them to detach and sleep all alone in a bassinet/crib. 

And my question is WHY? 

Cribs haven't always existed. And our human species kept going? How? 

Out on the African Safari, where parenting is simply instinctual, I'm sure they would find our idea of cribbing infants, completely ridiculous. Because they keep their children close at night.

 Or if we asked them how many times a day does your baby eat? They wouldn't have a clue what we were asking. Because they simply nurse their baby every time he/she needs them. And they don't write down how long they fed or at what time. They don't wean their children. They just live. Breastfeeding is necessary for survival. And that is how I view breastfeeding. And I don't care what anyone thinks or says. I will nurse Elijah as long as he wants. I trust that he will stop when he no longer needs the comfort and security of my bosom. Until then, back off! 

I digress, back to my original thought process, why? 

Why can't a baby stay a baby? I had no idea that as my child turned one and continued to grow taller and stronger, that people would look down on me for nursing, cosleeping, and cuddling. Why is it, one, any of your business? And two, why is it a bad thing to let Elijah be attached to me? I see that he is thriving and healthy. He is social and loves people. He is smiley and verbal & very observant. He isn't shy. He is loud and friendly. 

People often compliment me and Kaleb on how cute and friendly E is. And I always think, a lot of work went into allowing him to become himself. And a lot of thought went into his life. --Caring about HIS feelings. Putting him first and putting him above my wants and my feelings. 

I wonder how he would be if I forced him to detach. If I kept him at arms length. If I was planning how to get him to be self soothing before he even learns to talk? Would he be scared? Would he be shy? 

I'm glad I don't know the answers to those questions. 

I think as parents, in 2014, in America, we should question more things. We should question doctors. We should question other parents! Instead of saying, nonchalantly, "I did what was best for my child". When in reality, we often choose what is BEST for us and we label it "best for our child". We hide behind this facade. The facade that we aren't selfish beings. Many parenting choices aren't for the BEST interest of the child involved. The choices are for us. Why do we want the baby to sleep through the night? Because we are tired? Because WE WANT SLEEP? Do we ever take a moment to think about the child's needs? Because we should. Their physiological and emotional needs should come first! FIRST!

Why do we jam pacifiers into brand new, newborns mouths? Why don't we figure out what they NEED first? More than likely, they are hungry OR they want to be held. I never gave a paci to Elijah before trying everything else. Every time he seemed agitated, I nursed him. Every. Time. Pacifiers being in a baby's mouth constantly is unnatural. The baby is so tiny and I see what parents do, they jam the pacifier in and hold it there until the baby succumbs to it. I think a paci used appropriately is a different story. But it shouldn't be the first solution. It should be the last. It has NEVER given me a happy feeling. Like the feeling I get when I hear a baby cry and then watch as the mother soothes the babe with her breast. It's beautiful! Simple. Lovely. I get weepy talking about it. It's something so human and beautiful. It's also something incredibly holy and sacred. I hope I will be a breastfeeding mother for the next 10 years. I would be okay if E nursed and then another baby came and we kept on nursing. 

I will end on this note:::: 

 We should want what is TRULY best for our kids. God gives us the best. He sent His son to die so we could have eternal life. The least, LEAST we can do is love our children and give them the best of us. 

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 NIV)

To my Mother in Law

I made a list of all the things I want to thank you for and I wanted to have it typed up and ready for Mother's Day.

Many of these things are in relation to the man you raised who is my husband. 

THANK YOU, for, being the kind of mother who let's her children explore and get dirty. Kaleb is not afraid of dirt and the outdoors. It's quite the opposite. He loves being outside and he will pass that onto our children. 

THANK YOU, for, developing his food palette. What I mean by this is, Kaleb is the least picky eater I have ever known. He eats everything and loves it all! That is rare. And I know it's partly because of your cooking and also because you didn't allow him to be picky. "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" ;) 

THANK YOU, for, being supportive even when the decisions Kaleb made took him further away from you. Because you supported him when he played sports as a child it lead him to become a man who can take risks and chances. He is confident and secure. You supported him even when he decided to move to Minnesota to be with me. I can never fully express my gratitude. Your son is far away from you and your family and that isn't easy. But you haven't ever made him feel bad for his choice to be here with me. And I am eternally grateful because K has changed my life and I am a better person for knowing him. 

THANK YOU, for, all of the baby clothing for E! While I was pregnant it was so fun to get packages in the mail! And E wore the clothes and shoes all the time! He is still wearing the things he hasn't grown out of! 

THANK YOU, for, sending us cute cards! They make our days brighter; Especially in the winter time! 

THANK YOU, for, entrusting me with your friendship. And for being open and honest and truthful. I truly feel like our last trip to visit we were really able to get to know each other's hearts. And I know we will continue to build on our relationship. I have nothing but hope for the future! 

THANK YOU, for, being accepting of my love for God. And respecting how important Jesus is to me and to our family. It makes all the difference. K would not be the man of God that he is today if he didn't have your support. 

THANK YOU, for, shopping with me and garage saling with me. They are beautiful lasting memories I will always cherish! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to think for himself and to stand up for what is important! And he is always ready to stand up for us if he needs to! 

THANK YOU, for, teaching Kaleb to be kind to others. He leads and guides our family with such grace and humility and patience. Cause let's face it, I can be difficult. Well, anyone can be, I suppose. :) 

THANK YOU, for, loving Kaleb and filling his love tank as a child. Together you and Tom raised a man who isn't afraid to love. And isn't afraid of his feelings. And that's because he was loves in your home growing up. And now he is able to have an example of love to show to me and E & to others he encounters. 

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart! 

I love you! 

Thank you, Mom!

I've been thinking about all the things my mother has done for me and my siblings. And I thought I would make a list of as many of those things as I could.

THANK YOU, for, putting us first. 

THANK YOU, for, sacrificing so Kiah and I could attend Faith Christian School. 

THANK YOU, for, homeschooling us. It gave me a working knowledge. We didn't have to worry about tests or grades. It was about the learning. And it created a fire within me to always seek to learn new things. I am so thankful to have been educated at home. I was able to choose what I wanted to learn. It made me excited about knowledge.  

THANK YOU, for, making us matching outfits. We always looked so cute. You made sure our clothing wasn't awkward or weird. 

THANK YOU, for, taking so many photos of our childhood. I have so many photos to look back on and enjoy. I don't have to wonder what I looked like as a baby, toddler, child, tween or teenager. 

THANK YOU, for, listening. We could always come to you with our problems and vent. And we still can. 

THANK YOU, for, controlling our food intake and cooking amazing meals. And keeping us healthy. You set rules in place and we didn't dare disobey. And we always asked mommy first for treats. It taught us self control and discipline. And now we know how to be healthy and not over indulge. 

THANK YOU, for, letting me pick my toothbrush and toothpaste. It is the little things we could control that helped us gain confidence and have us the security to make choices. And also to not feel too controlled. Positive choices and affirming those choices goes a long way. 

THANK YOU, for, setting everything up for deiver's ed. And then helping me get my deiver's license. And even when I failed the first time, thank you for staying positive. 2nd times the charm! 

THANK YOU, for, making me take keyboarding in high school even though I fought you tooth and nail, verbally. I was so rude and you just stuck to your guns. And now I have a lasting skill that helped me greatly to obtain two college degrees! 

THANK YOU, for, bringing us to Burger King every Tuesday in SC. I have such beautiful memories of those times. And plenty of the plastic toys to prove it! Gotta love Kids meals! 

THANK YOU, for, planning amazingly fun birthday parties for each one of us EVERY year! Not until I was older did I learn that other kids don't get birthday parties for each year! I assumed they did. And once I learned they didn't I felt even more blessed! 

THANK YOU, for, reading to is for hours and hours. I have coloring books all colored in to remind me of how many hours we spent listening to you read, Elsie Dinsmore and Narnia. I can't wait for the day I can read to my children! 💙

THANK YOU, for, bringing us to church all by yourself. Now that I have Elijah, I can't imagine how you did it all. It's hard enough with one child! 

THANK YOU, for, caring to make it possible for me to get baptized at Faith Assembly  in South Carolina. 

 THANK YOU, for, teaching is the truth about life. Because you taught us about Jesus and God and the Bible we have a foundation. And a view of life theough the lens of truth. It has helped me to be counter cultural, to question the world's ideas. And above all, to know that I am loved. 

THANK YOU, for, teaching us to think for ourselves. Because you taught us the truth. It gave me the ability to really think about situations! And to see reality in spite of how things appear on the outside. 

THANK YOU, for, letting me find my own way. And for trusting God with my future. It must have been scary. But you trusted God's word. 

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. Isaiah 55:10-11

2013

 

I am friends with my sisters because you cultivated the love between us. You didn't force me, as the oldest to care for my siblings. I never felt forced to protect them or mother them. Because you were always around to do that. 

THANK YOU, MOM. 

I AM WHO I AM TODAY BECAUSE OF THE TIME YOU SPENT WITH ME AS A CHILD
I LOVE YOU! 

4 | 52

WEEK FOUR

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

1.25.13

E enjoyed hanging out in the hotel! All sorts of new furniture to climb and things to discover! 

I think this is his "another picture mom?" face!

Valentine's photo shoot

3 | 52

3 | 52

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

Elijah loves to hang out in my dad's rickety old recliner! I can tell he feels like a big boy in this chair! He acts the same way in our La-Z-boy! SO stinkin' cute!

2 | 52

 2 | 52

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

Here is week two! I had so much fun on this day! It brought me great joy to see him open his gifts and interact with the other children.

Elijah at his Birthday party! <3

1 | 52

WEEK ONE

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

I have seen that many blogger moms are doing or have done a once a week photo challenge of each one of their children. SO I have decided to start compiling one. I want to put my new camera to use. :)

I haven't had time to post the 3 so far. So here goes. These are unedited photos. I may start editing them but I am already three weeks behind.

I can't wait to see the finished product of all 52 weeks!!

Elijah did NOT enjoy his chocolate fudge birthday cake with chocolate fudge frosting. But he did enjoy taking a bath and washing all the frosting off of his hands, legs, arms and face. Thanks, Chloe for the photo! She quick grabbed the camera and snapped this shot!

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Our Breastfeeding journey...

I wanted to write down my experience. I have had several women tell me I must've had it easy when it comes to nursing my son. And that's why I love it so much.

But that is not the reality of my journey. ; Not at all. 

We had a rough start. I'm sure our 30 hour labor had something to do with the struggle. Elijahbear slept for the first 24 hours. I tried to get him to latch. And I offered him my breast every time he stirred or woke. But he wasn't interested. And this was ok because my milk hadn't come in yet. 

For the first week, every day was a constant struggle. Elijah was not a vocal baby. 

He did not cry unless his diaper was being changed. .

 And you might think that a non crier was a good thing. But it made it extra hard to know if he was hungry or not. So any time he would move or appear to be rooting around, I offered him the breast. 

Most times he would try. But he wasn't really sucking right and he was not latching on. The midwives had checked his tongue and lip. They were not tied at all. 

Not properly latching was making my nipples so sore. They cracked and bled. It was overwhelmingly painful. 

I cried.

 I squeezed pillows. And did my best to stay calm. 

I prayed. 

God gave me peace. 

I persevered. 

I watched tv to distract me. It helped. 

I could feel God's presence. I knew it was my duty to continue. 

One night, I used a pacifier to help Elijah learn how to suck properly. That helped. He just needed a little guidance. And we never used the pacifier again. I did use my finger to help him learn how to suck. 

Praise God!

Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of it. But wow was it 

P A I N F U L !! 

It was excruciatingly painful and almost unbearable. That pain lasted 3 weeks. That is how long it took my skin to crack, bleed and heal over 2 times. And then, one day, zero pain. Imagine using a body part in a new way and add on saliva and almost constant use with intense suction. The skin took time to adjust. 

But I didn't care. My nipples were cracked and bleeding a little bit. 

But I didn't care.

My milk let down was quite strong and tingled and my breasts itched. 

But I did not care. 

 It was NOT about me. 

 Elijah was learning how to eat and I was feeding him. It was so beautiful that I didn't care that it was overwhelmingly painful. 

I just kept going. 

Smooth fabric and stretchy bras and olive oil helped a lot!  

I was going to succeed.

 I knew God designed it to work. 

But I knew from reading and hearing my mom talk about her experience, that it is a learning process. 

A day in our life at that time was quite tiring. But it was also quite beautiful. 

Elijah wanted to eat every 2 hours or so. But I didn't keep track. Some days he ate randomly. No rhyme or reason or schedule. Other days it was like clockwork: every 2 hours. 

Kaleb slept on the couch because he had to be up at 5am for work. Elijah and I shared the bed. I slept when he slept and sometimes, I even slept when he was nursing. When he was brand new, he slept on my chest or Kaleb's chest. Once he was a little older he slept next to me in bed. I would hear in stir and latch him on. He would eat and doze back off. This routine lasted for several months. As soon as Elijah was 3 months, Kaleb joined us in bed. I slept in the middle and Elijah slept to my left. It was brilliant. I never had to get up to feed him. I had to keep water at arms length so I could hydrate properly. Soon, Elijah was able to find my breast on his own and eat, I often, never woke up, not really. It was a state of zombie, as Kaleb would say. He said my eyes were open, I would grab Elijah, and he'd nurse. And we would both go back to sleep. He said I moved with such ease and grace. It seemed so simple, he said. It was complete instinct. And I was and am happy to do it. 

I needed to give my baby a chance to learn how to properly nurse. And use his tongue and lips and throat correctly. And what is an appropriate amount of time to let someone become an expert at something? 

A week?

A month? 

3 months? 

WHAT?

None of us adults become good at something on our first try. It usually takes months of practice. Then it becomes like second nature. Don't brand new humans deserve that same amount of time? 

I believe they do. 

We tend to set babies in a separate category. As if these tiny perfect humans aren't real humans yet. But they are. They need skin to skin contact. They need to be held and loved. 

 Our society keeps them at arms length. Before they are even born, plans are in place to give them to strangers. So parents can do important work. 

Daycare waiting lists are full. 

Infants come out of the womb and instantly they are often rubbed down and dried off. And placed under bright lights. I know I wouldn't want to be rubbed down and placed under a fluorescent light after spending 10 months in a perfect, cozy, warm environment. 

But we do it to newborns. 

Traumatizing. 

When it came to breastfeeding, I did not factor in my feelings AT ALL. I set them aside. It was for the benefit of another human being. A being that lived inside of my body for 10 months. His needs surpassed my own. He needed me. 

About 2 weeks into his life, Elijah started to spit up his meals. So I researched and decided to stop eating dairy. Even though, I enjoy cookies and milk, yogurt, cereal, ice cream and cheese of all kinds; ESPECIALLY Parmesan. But I stopped eating all of those things. And Elijah stopped regurgitating my milk. 

I tried reintroducing dairy several times but he would have an episode. So I quit trying. 

Oh how I missed diary products. 

Especially Parmesan cheese! 

When Elijah was 10 months old, I prayed and decided to try dairy. And what do you know, Elijah didn't react at all. His poop stayed the same and he didn't throw up my milk. 

I still do not consume large amounts if dairy because my body is still not used to it. And may never be able to handle it again. But I enjoy ice cream and Parmesan cheese now! 

I love that God created these processes. 
Pregnancy. 

Labor. 

Delivery. 

Breastfeeding. 

They are splendid. The child grows inside of the mother. The mothers body bring a the baby earth side. Then the mother uses her body to feed her child. It is so beautiful. 

My body has been feeding Elijah for over 22 months. 

[10 months womb side and 12 months earth side.] 

I find it judgmental when women assume that our journey the past 12 months has been a cake walk. It isn't fair to assume ANYTHING about anyone's journey into motherhood. Instead of making assumptions, ask me. Ask the mother how things are going. I'm an open book. Many of us love to answer questions. All areas of motherhood are to be shared with others; especially with other moms and future mothers. I enjoy telling my life story. 

But I believe in honesty. 

Cold. Hard. Truth. 

Even if that truth isn't all rainbows and butterflies, I tell it. I have to. I can't live any other way. 

If you didn't breastfeed, that is your choice. Please don't make a breastfeeding mom feel bad for her success. 

No one can make you feel guilty for making a choice. If you feel guilt. Search within yourself and find the root cause of that guilt. Do you have regrets? Give those to The Lord. Repent of the things you feel you messed up on. There is no sense in living with that guilt. 

But the part that is hard for me to handle is the blame game. Women who didn't nurse their baby(ies) point the finger at us who did. And they often say, it's our fault. By rejoicing in our triumphs and breastfeeding successes, we make them feel bad for bottle feeding. Even though, we never address bottle feeding or out right bash anyone using bottles. We each must choose our path.

We have simply made the choice to avoid bottles. 

It isn't fair to push the blame in our direction. I won't blame anyone using bottles for the struggles we faced at the beginning.

If you are truly confident that you made the best decision for your child, you should not have any guilt. You should feel pleased. You should feel proud; just as proud and elated as we who breastfeed. 

If you sit here and read this and my words have made you feel feelings of guilt. That is inside of YOU. Those are your raw emotions coming up. 

Deal with them. Think about why you feel that way.  
Truly, think about your feelings.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Why do I feel guilty? 
Where do those feelings come from?
What is the root cause of that guilt?

Just as roots of bitterness can grab a hold of us, the same happens with guilt. We need to yank that guilt weed out by it's roots. The easiest way, repent. Simply, tell God your thoughts. He instantly forgives. The hardest part is forgiving ourselves. 

No one forced me to do this. I chose what is best for my child. The science and truth that breast milk is better cannot be shaken. It is best.

Elijah loves nursing. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I've always thought that 3 is my cut-off but now, with research, I believe nursing longer than 3 can be beneficial health wise. I will be one of those so-called "weirdos" that is STILL nursing. 

We plan to try for baby #2 this summer. And I plan on continuing to nurse Elijah as long as he still wants to. These days, he comes and asks for it. He is learning to say "please" in sign language. He does a good job! 

Because of breastfeeding, my cycle has not returned {and I don't miss it}. But that doesn't mean my body can't get pregnant. With the presence of sperm, often a woman's body will quickly ovulate. We shall see what happens. We have been praying and weighing what God wants for us. 

I will end with this:::::

As Christian women, do we kid ourselves and think that Jesus actually wanted to be crucified??! 

He didn't. 

He begged God to take that cup from him. But if it was the Lord's will, Jesus said he would keep going. 

 It's right there in the Bible. 

Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours), the least I could do was deal with some pain in order to give my son what he needs to be healthy. 

PS- Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy the ups and downs. Enjoy the struggle. Because before you know it, it will be over. I sit on the cusp of that day. Elijah is starting to love food and not want to nurse as much. I am glad we had the time we did! 

ENJOY IT!