My journey to Surrender

I want to share my journey to Baby #2. I hope that it brings anyone who reads it to a place of peace. But more importantly, I pray it shows you that surrendering to the God of the universe is always worth it. I will explain what I mean later on.

Let's back up to JUNE 2014.

Kaleb and I had been praying and feeling like we should let God plan our family. And we both want several more children. So we decided to let things unfold naturally. But, if I'm honest I wanted a baby to happen soon.

July, August, September, October, November, all went by and no baby. I thought, no big deal, we will just keep going. But I was starting to get sad.

January, nope.
February, my monthly was late, nut nope, I wasn't pregnant.

Over winter last year is when I really started to feel sad. I wondered why it wasn't happening. Part of this sadness was because things happened right away with Elijah.

But God had a different journey for me. I remember driving one day, this summer and praying and talking to God. And in all seriousness, my thoughts and words were coming from an angry place, a sad place; from a "why me? Why are you doing this God? What I want isn't bad, I just want a baby" My heart was whiny and I had dug my spiritual heals in. I did not want to budge.

Plain and simple.

That day, I remember so clearly, I wish I would've written down the date. I believe it was in May 2015. God impressed these words into my mind, "Why aren't you content? If Elijah is your only child is that good enough? It should be."

BAM.

God has a way of getting right to the point. He knows me perfectly. I knew the words were from God, because my own mind would never think of them, not in a million years. They brought me to my knees (metaphorically of course as I was driving). I wept in the car. I had gotten so caught up in my own pity party that I hadn't wanted to surrender to God's ultimate plan.


For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100:5


If I know God is good because the Bible tells me just that, then why was I arguing?


The other big revelation I had was that the journey to surrendering means more when it's been difficult. And what I mean by that is, only if we've been resisting God's will and insisting we know best, only then does it mean a great deal to let go of our plans and soften our hearts and trust in God.


I wept that day in the car for two reasons. One was a feeling of embarrassment for my childish words to God. But the other reason is hard to explain. I looked at Elijah in his car seat and was thankful. This boy of ours is a wonderful child. He is exactly what our family needed in 2013 and he continues to be exactly what our world needs now. How could I not be okay with him being my only child? Many women don't get the chance to carry a child of their own.



In the car that day, I said,
Okay God,
1. I'm sorry for my selfish mindset.
2. Today, I move forward. I surrender. I let go of my plans. And I will wait on you.

He says, 

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10


I was going to choose to be still and rest in knowing, the same God who created the world, who sent His son to die in my place for my sins, will take care of me and my heart. I also decided to pray every day for a child. I was so caught in being sad I hadn't been praying daily for a baby. I struggle and often think it annoys God to pray for the same things over and over. That is my own human nature putting impatience and an unapproachable personality onto God. When He doesn't hold those qualities.


this journey of patience and surrender has brought me ever so close to my Lord. It showed me, once again how God knew what I needed before I did. It showed me that being sad or mad or frustrated or angry are all OKAY emotions. We cannot help the emotions that arise within us. Nor does God want us to ignore them. What he wants is for us to bring those feelings to Him. When we do that we are less likely to act out in a sinful manner. We can leave our hearts and feelings in God's hands.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30


He is our Father in Heaven.
He sees me and He loves me.
He sees you and He loves you.
He sees us and He loves us.


He wants us to trust Him.


So often, we are afraid of negative feelings. I know I am. I think God will be displeased with me for being sad or angry. But He isn't. He is there and His grace abounds in our deepest struggles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


September 24, 2015 I was late. But, we had been here before and I prayed.
I said,
Okay, Lord, whatever the result, it's okay. The life you've laid before me is yours and I'm grateful. Help me to continue to be content.


PRAYER IS POWERFUL!
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
1 Chronicles 16:11

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6



The test was positive!
I couldn't believe it!
What a beautiful surprise!


God had me walk a trial specifically tailored to who I am. It's hard to explain in words. But I look back and I needed to come to a humble place of surrender. It has deepened my relationship with the Lord and it has strengthened my daily walk with Jesus.


Side note:
The other major thing I learned from this: 1. DON'T randomly ask people when is baby #2 coming. If you have to ask, you obviously don't know the struggle the woman/couple has been facing.
2. And DO NOT say "it's about time." When someone announces another pregnancy. Just don't. It's hurtful if the people have lost a baby, miscarried or simply waited as I did.
All of or sadness is real. Be kind when you speak.


In the end---
The tears, the anger and the worry all served a purpose. How could I know peace and contentment without first being tormented and discontented?


I hope by reading this, you are encouraged. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are, God is near. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. He's not mad or disappointed. He is simply waiting for you.


This life may be difficult, tragedy occurs but God is constant through all things. He brings beauty out of ashes.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
Isaiah 61:1-3


We are each given the life we have. God sets us in our families. It's our choice to choose Jesus and seek after Him.

My prayer is that by sharing my journey you are encouraged. I pray you seek Jesus and find the grace waiting for you.

This verse has been my mantra through this journey, God placed it on my heart a few weeks ago.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”


All my love,


Jenni

7 | 52

7 | 52 

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

We had a fun 20 minutes playing outside. It was only about 10 degrees. But we needed to get outside. 

I got several cute shots of E. But this one I like A LOT!!

6 | 52

SIX | FIFTY-TWO

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

Hanging out at Auntie Kiah's!

The only thing that bothers me in this photo is his shadow! 

But I do love the twinkle in his cute little eyes!!

5 | 52

WEEK FIVE 

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

I set up a fun photoshoot for E & his little friend, little miss E!

This is my favorite one of Elijah from the day! 

I am so glad he puts up with my photo shenanigans!

2 | 52

 2 | 52

A Photo Series

* 'A photo of our child once a week, every week for a year'*

Here is week two! I had so much fun on this day! It brought me great joy to see him open his gifts and interact with the other children.

Elijah at his Birthday party! <3

Our Breastfeeding journey...

I wanted to write down my experience. I have had several women tell me I must've had it easy when it comes to nursing my son. And that's why I love it so much.

But that is not the reality of my journey. ; Not at all. 

We had a rough start. I'm sure our 30 hour labor had something to do with the struggle. Elijahbear slept for the first 24 hours. I tried to get him to latch. And I offered him my breast every time he stirred or woke. But he wasn't interested. And this was ok because my milk hadn't come in yet. 

For the first week, every day was a constant struggle. Elijah was not a vocal baby. 

He did not cry unless his diaper was being changed. .

 And you might think that a non crier was a good thing. But it made it extra hard to know if he was hungry or not. So any time he would move or appear to be rooting around, I offered him the breast. 

Most times he would try. But he wasn't really sucking right and he was not latching on. The midwives had checked his tongue and lip. They were not tied at all. 

Not properly latching was making my nipples so sore. They cracked and bled. It was overwhelmingly painful. 

I cried.

 I squeezed pillows. And did my best to stay calm. 

I prayed. 

God gave me peace. 

I persevered. 

I watched tv to distract me. It helped. 

I could feel God's presence. I knew it was my duty to continue. 

One night, I used a pacifier to help Elijah learn how to suck properly. That helped. He just needed a little guidance. And we never used the pacifier again. I did use my finger to help him learn how to suck. 

Praise God!

Slowly but surely, he began to get the hang of it. But wow was it 

P A I N F U L !! 

It was excruciatingly painful and almost unbearable. That pain lasted 3 weeks. That is how long it took my skin to crack, bleed and heal over 2 times. And then, one day, zero pain. Imagine using a body part in a new way and add on saliva and almost constant use with intense suction. The skin took time to adjust. 

But I didn't care. My nipples were cracked and bleeding a little bit. 

But I didn't care.

My milk let down was quite strong and tingled and my breasts itched. 

But I did not care. 

 It was NOT about me. 

 Elijah was learning how to eat and I was feeding him. It was so beautiful that I didn't care that it was overwhelmingly painful. 

I just kept going. 

Smooth fabric and stretchy bras and olive oil helped a lot!  

I was going to succeed.

 I knew God designed it to work. 

But I knew from reading and hearing my mom talk about her experience, that it is a learning process. 

A day in our life at that time was quite tiring. But it was also quite beautiful. 

Elijah wanted to eat every 2 hours or so. But I didn't keep track. Some days he ate randomly. No rhyme or reason or schedule. Other days it was like clockwork: every 2 hours. 

Kaleb slept on the couch because he had to be up at 5am for work. Elijah and I shared the bed. I slept when he slept and sometimes, I even slept when he was nursing. When he was brand new, he slept on my chest or Kaleb's chest. Once he was a little older he slept next to me in bed. I would hear in stir and latch him on. He would eat and doze back off. This routine lasted for several months. As soon as Elijah was 3 months, Kaleb joined us in bed. I slept in the middle and Elijah slept to my left. It was brilliant. I never had to get up to feed him. I had to keep water at arms length so I could hydrate properly. Soon, Elijah was able to find my breast on his own and eat, I often, never woke up, not really. It was a state of zombie, as Kaleb would say. He said my eyes were open, I would grab Elijah, and he'd nurse. And we would both go back to sleep. He said I moved with such ease and grace. It seemed so simple, he said. It was complete instinct. And I was and am happy to do it. 

I needed to give my baby a chance to learn how to properly nurse. And use his tongue and lips and throat correctly. And what is an appropriate amount of time to let someone become an expert at something? 

A week?

A month? 

3 months? 

WHAT?

None of us adults become good at something on our first try. It usually takes months of practice. Then it becomes like second nature. Don't brand new humans deserve that same amount of time? 

I believe they do. 

We tend to set babies in a separate category. As if these tiny perfect humans aren't real humans yet. But they are. They need skin to skin contact. They need to be held and loved. 

 Our society keeps them at arms length. Before they are even born, plans are in place to give them to strangers. So parents can do important work. 

Daycare waiting lists are full. 

Infants come out of the womb and instantly they are often rubbed down and dried off. And placed under bright lights. I know I wouldn't want to be rubbed down and placed under a fluorescent light after spending 10 months in a perfect, cozy, warm environment. 

But we do it to newborns. 

Traumatizing. 

When it came to breastfeeding, I did not factor in my feelings AT ALL. I set them aside. It was for the benefit of another human being. A being that lived inside of my body for 10 months. His needs surpassed my own. He needed me. 

About 2 weeks into his life, Elijah started to spit up his meals. So I researched and decided to stop eating dairy. Even though, I enjoy cookies and milk, yogurt, cereal, ice cream and cheese of all kinds; ESPECIALLY Parmesan. But I stopped eating all of those things. And Elijah stopped regurgitating my milk. 

I tried reintroducing dairy several times but he would have an episode. So I quit trying. 

Oh how I missed diary products. 

Especially Parmesan cheese! 

When Elijah was 10 months old, I prayed and decided to try dairy. And what do you know, Elijah didn't react at all. His poop stayed the same and he didn't throw up my milk. 

I still do not consume large amounts if dairy because my body is still not used to it. And may never be able to handle it again. But I enjoy ice cream and Parmesan cheese now! 

I love that God created these processes. 
Pregnancy. 

Labor. 

Delivery. 

Breastfeeding. 

They are splendid. The child grows inside of the mother. The mothers body bring a the baby earth side. Then the mother uses her body to feed her child. It is so beautiful. 

My body has been feeding Elijah for over 22 months. 

[10 months womb side and 12 months earth side.] 

I find it judgmental when women assume that our journey the past 12 months has been a cake walk. It isn't fair to assume ANYTHING about anyone's journey into motherhood. Instead of making assumptions, ask me. Ask the mother how things are going. I'm an open book. Many of us love to answer questions. All areas of motherhood are to be shared with others; especially with other moms and future mothers. I enjoy telling my life story. 

But I believe in honesty. 

Cold. Hard. Truth. 

Even if that truth isn't all rainbows and butterflies, I tell it. I have to. I can't live any other way. 

If you didn't breastfeed, that is your choice. Please don't make a breastfeeding mom feel bad for her success. 

No one can make you feel guilty for making a choice. If you feel guilt. Search within yourself and find the root cause of that guilt. Do you have regrets? Give those to The Lord. Repent of the things you feel you messed up on. There is no sense in living with that guilt. 

But the part that is hard for me to handle is the blame game. Women who didn't nurse their baby(ies) point the finger at us who did. And they often say, it's our fault. By rejoicing in our triumphs and breastfeeding successes, we make them feel bad for bottle feeding. Even though, we never address bottle feeding or out right bash anyone using bottles. We each must choose our path.

We have simply made the choice to avoid bottles. 

It isn't fair to push the blame in our direction. I won't blame anyone using bottles for the struggles we faced at the beginning.

If you are truly confident that you made the best decision for your child, you should not have any guilt. You should feel pleased. You should feel proud; just as proud and elated as we who breastfeed. 

If you sit here and read this and my words have made you feel feelings of guilt. That is inside of YOU. Those are your raw emotions coming up. 

Deal with them. Think about why you feel that way.  
Truly, think about your feelings.
Ask yourself the hard questions.
Why do I feel guilty? 
Where do those feelings come from?
What is the root cause of that guilt?

Just as roots of bitterness can grab a hold of us, the same happens with guilt. We need to yank that guilt weed out by it's roots. The easiest way, repent. Simply, tell God your thoughts. He instantly forgives. The hardest part is forgiving ourselves. 

No one forced me to do this. I chose what is best for my child. The science and truth that breast milk is better cannot be shaken. It is best.

Elijah loves nursing. I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I've always thought that 3 is my cut-off but now, with research, I believe nursing longer than 3 can be beneficial health wise. I will be one of those so-called "weirdos" that is STILL nursing. 

We plan to try for baby #2 this summer. And I plan on continuing to nurse Elijah as long as he still wants to. These days, he comes and asks for it. He is learning to say "please" in sign language. He does a good job! 

Because of breastfeeding, my cycle has not returned {and I don't miss it}. But that doesn't mean my body can't get pregnant. With the presence of sperm, often a woman's body will quickly ovulate. We shall see what happens. We have been praying and weighing what God wants for us. 

I will end with this:::::

As Christian women, do we kid ourselves and think that Jesus actually wanted to be crucified??! 

He didn't. 

He begged God to take that cup from him. But if it was the Lord's will, Jesus said he would keep going. 

 It's right there in the Bible. 

Jesus died on the cross for my sins (and yours), the least I could do was deal with some pain in order to give my son what he needs to be healthy. 

PS- Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy the ups and downs. Enjoy the struggle. Because before you know it, it will be over. I sit on the cusp of that day. Elijah is starting to love food and not want to nurse as much. I am glad we had the time we did! 

ENJOY IT! 

|| Happy Birthday, Elijah! ||

OUR BABY IS ONE!

This has been one of the best years of my life. Full of growth and change and sacrifice.

I am starting this blog post now even though we have more celebrating happening this weekend. We had a party planned for Jan 4, 2014, BUT the weather had other plans. And actually it turned out to be better than I could have imagined.

Go figure.

God had it under control.

It was a good lesson in feeling my feelings but STILL trusting God for a good outcome.

My sister, Blake (her bf) and Chloe (our close friend) braved the roads and stayed with us Saturday, January 4th. Having them here was such a delight for me. We do not get many visitors these days. We live far from our friends up in the Willmar, MN area. I had fun cooking for everyone. I made chicken chow mien Saturday night. And for breakfast the next day I made a potato, egg fry and sausage and bacon. We all snacked on chips and dip and nearly at the entire 9 X 13 pan of oreo cream cheese dessert! YUM!

I plan on making more tomorrow for the party this Saturday (11th).


We spent Saturday, eating, talking and watching tv. We enjoyed some yummy glasses of wine and relaxed. I took lots of photos, as usual.
I really enjoyed getting to know my sister bf, Blake.
It turns out Elijah does not like cake. He didn't like when we fed it to him. He really hated having sticky hands full of frosting. Poor thing. So we ended that quickly, and gave him a bath. He was much happier after that.
Enjoy the photos!

Elijah on his actual Birthday. January 2, 2014!

He did NOT enjoy his cake smash. Maybe next year,

see you later!