Not my timing. His timing.

Congratulations, to my dear friend, A, on the birth of her second daughter! 

The Lord works everything out for good! It's OUR job to trust Him and listen for #thatstillsmallvoice. . Last weekend the weather was being weird. It was muggy and hot and rainy. But it was sunny. We had planned to do maternity photos Saturday but the day started out bad. I felt that we should've kept our plans. I could feel it in my bones. But we didn't. And all day I felt sick and anxious. I felt so weird. I KNEW it was God. Urging me. Pushing me forward to get the photos taken ASAP. So on Sunday, my husband had to work so we had church at home. And I couldn't shake the feeling that the photos HAD to happen THAT DAY! So I told my friend this. That I feel like God says now. Do it now. And I just had this feeling that He would reveal in HIS time, why I felt this way! 

And Sunday turned out to be warm and amazing! Perfect for photos!! Even better than the previous day! Golden hour was tremendous! 

{{GOD IS GOOD

ALL THE TIME}}

I knew baby would make her arrival and there wouldn't be another chance. 

Look how God takes care of us! Truly! This week God is showing me how closely HE pays attention. And how HE ISN'T a father who ignores His children. You think by now I should always remember and always understand that. But it's hard for us to comprehend. Simply because we ourselves aren't perfect as He is. 

This has also been a week of God making it known that my efforts are good enough for Him. It's so easy to get caught up in performance and legality. And then we MISS the mark! We will fall short. It is inevitable. But God doesn't care. And it is easy as a SAHM to judge yourself harshly. It is easy to have days/weeks/moments where you feel like some days are so mundane. So boring. 

When logically, I know that the bigger picture is for the greater good of my son. I am in the here and now to invest in his future. And each day is a gift. I truly know this. But it doesn't change that some days feel overwhelming & some days feel so routine. My soul craves those intimate and goose-bump-giving encounters with Jesus. I have been praying for them to happen separate of Church. I asked God to help me listen more intently to His voice. And to really live life with others in mind. I want to bless them and bring them closer to the Jesus I know. 

 Clearly, things on this earth are fleeting BUT God is watching. And He sees & when our efforts are good and pure and we are aligned with His will, He sets things in motion. He gives us what our hearts desire when it does not contradict His purpose. 

The still small voice is a beautiful thing!  

But we have to practice our listening abilities. We have to quiet ourselves daily. This way when life comes barreling at us, we are equipped and ready! And our listening skills are fine tuned! 

Pick a favorite Bible verse and meditate on it. And let God's word bring life to your bones. 

Then

I urge you today and every day to :::

STOP

TAKE A BREATH 

AND 

LISTEN 

:::::::

This is the day that The Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

2This is the day the Lord has

Psalm 118:24 

My Birthday Blessing

Meet Felicity

This is what I wrote on Instagram ::: I just love her so much! Once I learned the whole story of how she came into my possession, I am even more thankful. And I amazed at how much God pays attention. He knows that there are still parts of my heart that need healing. And when we let Him in and let Him guide us, God works things out. He fills the broken parts of us with love and attention. It may seem small to everyone else, but for me, it's really healing my heart to see that my Father in Heaven sees ME & knows ME. And he cares about the heart of that little girl I was. The little girl who needed attention from the one person who wasn't willing to give it. God saw her and in His time he has made me feel important. God used my husband and a dear friend to heal a part of my heart that I didn't even know was wounded.

I wanted to expand on this story.. And share my heart with anyone who reads this...

The story is as follows. 

My dear friend Rachel was in search of an American Girl doll for her daughter. She happened to check a Facebook selling site, at just the right moment. And she felt she should buy this doll. She had a strong feeling that she should buy it. 

In Hind sight, that was the Holy Spirit urging her to purchase this doll. 

She purchased the doll. And in the mean time, her daughter told her that she really wants a blonde one. A doll named Kirsten. That is retired but can be found online. And then later, her daughter saw the doll in a bag in the bedroom. And my friend told her daughter that she had purchased the brown haired doll before she knew that she wanted a blonde one. And she then asked her daughter if giving it to me would be a good idea, since my Birthday was coming up. 

So then my friend conspired with my husband. 

So cool! 

So then my friend came down to visit us and unannounced to me she snuck it into my husband's computer room. It just goes to show that when you are unaware of something, you don't see the sneaking. 

My Birthday was Wednesday, my husband just went about our normal day. We hiked and had a great time posing for some fun photos. (see previous post)

Then yesterday he said, "Oh I have something for you!" and then he proceeded to run to his car. 

He came back with a big bag. And pulled this beautiful doll out of the bag. 

I was stunned. Seriously, I was in awe. I was like what is this? Where did you? Is this real? Is she real? Is that an AMERICAN GIRL DOLL?! 

My poor husband had no idea how special these dolls are to little girls, how special it is to me! 

I cried. I was and am so happy! 

As I have contemplated how special and how spiritually healing this gift has been for me, I am so moved. I am truly overwhelmed. 

God pays attention to us. 

The back story is this, I had friends who owned American Girl dolls. I always wanted one. It was something I would have cherished. My little girl self, would have taken such good care of a doll. 

I do not often write about this subject because it is hard to be gracious. 

Alcohol has a grip on my dad. It has for all of my life. 

It leaves a daughter feeling sad and alone. It leaves us craving attention. Because we didn't get enough, if any from our earthly father. 

I don't like to write about this because they aren't my sins. And I don't like to talk badly about my father. It isn't right. 

I know that I don't have to go into tons of details. 

The bottom line is God sees. 

He sees us all. 

He knows us all. 

He saw my heart breaking as a tiny person. 

He saw my heart break as a young girl. 

He saw it break as a teenager. 

I was always a little jealous of girls who owned American Girl dolls. There was always anger at my dad for not buying me one. I was a kid. I didn't understand things. There was also guilt for being envious of other's possessions. I knew I should be happy with the toys and things I did have. And I was and I still am. 

I sit here truly amazed at my God. 

This is what I needed. I needed a boost of confidence. I needed something to remind me that I am on the right path in life. I know I am, but it is easy to start to feel weary. 

Choosing Jesus is lonely. Yes, I know God is always near. But physically, it can be lonely. It is a narrow road to walk. 

I am happy to walk it. 

But this gesture from God, has moved me. And I can feel it has healed something inside of my soul. Something in the deep recesses of my being has been restored. God has fixed that specific broken part of who I am. He has reminded me of my childhood self, and how He was listening to my prayers. 

We often sit back and think that God doesn't care about our wants. Because they are superficial or they aren't necessary. But this just proves to me that, that thinking can be damaging to our minds. 

God does care. 

He sees. 

He saw that small girl sitting in her room looking at an American Girl catalog, drawing hearts around things, and day dreaming about combing the hair of her own special doll. 

Now, I can heal. I can let go of the anger and resentment I know was being held inside. I can set that at the foot of the cross. 

I can be free from those feelings. 

What amazes me, is I didn't even know those feelings were hiding in there. But there they were. God knew, that here and now, I am mature enough and ready to deal with the feelings. 

That American Girl doll, represents a new beginning, a new chapter in my walk with Christ. 

God saw my heart as a child, and in HIS timing He gave me what my childhood heart needed. 

It just proves to me that everything fits together so perfectly. If only we were always willing to wait and let Him work His Godly magic. 

Seriously, how many things do we miss out on because we don't take time to see the beauty. 

The beauty in the small things. 

I wept as I told my husband about how much this doll means to me. 

I could barely utter the words "I wanted one so badly and God saw that and it mattered to Him, because I matter to Him." 

And I am crying again as I type this. 

I pray that through this story you take the time to search your heart. 

If you haven't yet let Jesus into your life. 

Give Him a chance to change your heart with a love so deep and so wide! 

Lord, thank you, for your love. Thank you, for paying attention to each and every one of your children. Thank you, for being a God of second chances, third, fourth, fifth (etc) chances. Thank you, for working through others to bring joy and healing to my heart. Thank you, for Jesus. 

I pray that if anyone is reading this, that they would know that they know, that You are God. You are real.. And YOU CARE. You care so deeply, you sent your son to die while we were still sinners. We didn't have to change before you sent Jesus, you sent him because you love us. 

I pray that anyone who reads this will sit back and close their eyes and truly take stock of their life. And I pray they KNOW that you are for THEM. You see them just as they are and you love them. 

Believing in your son will save them and guarantee them an inheritance in Heaven. 

I pray all of this in the precious and Holy name of Jesus. 

AMEN

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

27 on the 27th

8.27.87 

8.27.14

27 years

GOLDEN

 

Is this really the BEST we can do?

Why do we have the view that a one year old should be able to handle being all alone at night??

Why is it "babyish" for a 4 year old to need his mom? 

Why is an infant expected to sleep through the night? 

Why is 2 the magic potty training age? 

Why is breastfeeding past age one such a stigma? 

Why is an 18 month old expected to always feed themselves and stop being like a baby? 

Why is needing to be held a bad thing? At any age? 

WHY? 

These are just a few of the questions I have about our American modern parenting ideas. 

Since becoming a parent, I have learned one major thing: The American way of parenting is a bunch of cow poop! Seriously! 

There are all of these expectations. Demanding that children grow up faster than they need to is the main one. The moment a child is born there are all sorts of expectations. And the infant is constantly failing. Never measuring up to what society says he or she should be doing! 

But my question is, why!? Why do these expectations exist? Why do we cow tail to society? 

Why do we force babies to do things? Why don't more parents research what is ACTUALLY best for the baby!? --Not what doctors SAY is best. 

Why don't we let the baby stay a baby? They spend 9-10 months inside of our bodies. Then in a flash we expect them to detach and sleep all alone in a bassinet/crib. 

And my question is WHY? 

Cribs haven't always existed. And our human species kept going? How? 

Out on the African Safari, where parenting is simply instinctual, I'm sure they would find our idea of cribbing infants, completely ridiculous. Because they keep their children close at night.

 Or if we asked them how many times a day does your baby eat? They wouldn't have a clue what we were asking. Because they simply nurse their baby every time he/she needs them. And they don't write down how long they fed or at what time. They don't wean their children. They just live. Breastfeeding is necessary for survival. And that is how I view breastfeeding. And I don't care what anyone thinks or says. I will nurse Elijah as long as he wants. I trust that he will stop when he no longer needs the comfort and security of my bosom. Until then, back off! 

I digress, back to my original thought process, why? 

Why can't a baby stay a baby? I had no idea that as my child turned one and continued to grow taller and stronger, that people would look down on me for nursing, cosleeping, and cuddling. Why is it, one, any of your business? And two, why is it a bad thing to let Elijah be attached to me? I see that he is thriving and healthy. He is social and loves people. He is smiley and verbal & very observant. He isn't shy. He is loud and friendly. 

People often compliment me and Kaleb on how cute and friendly E is. And I always think, a lot of work went into allowing him to become himself. And a lot of thought went into his life. --Caring about HIS feelings. Putting him first and putting him above my wants and my feelings. 

I wonder how he would be if I forced him to detach. If I kept him at arms length. If I was planning how to get him to be self soothing before he even learns to talk? Would he be scared? Would he be shy? 

I'm glad I don't know the answers to those questions. 

I think as parents, in 2014, in America, we should question more things. We should question doctors. We should question other parents! Instead of saying, nonchalantly, "I did what was best for my child". When in reality, we often choose what is BEST for us and we label it "best for our child". We hide behind this facade. The facade that we aren't selfish beings. Many parenting choices aren't for the BEST interest of the child involved. The choices are for us. Why do we want the baby to sleep through the night? Because we are tired? Because WE WANT SLEEP? Do we ever take a moment to think about the child's needs? Because we should. Their physiological and emotional needs should come first! FIRST!

Why do we jam pacifiers into brand new, newborns mouths? Why don't we figure out what they NEED first? More than likely, they are hungry OR they want to be held. I never gave a paci to Elijah before trying everything else. Every time he seemed agitated, I nursed him. Every. Time. Pacifiers being in a baby's mouth constantly is unnatural. The baby is so tiny and I see what parents do, they jam the pacifier in and hold it there until the baby succumbs to it. I think a paci used appropriately is a different story. But it shouldn't be the first solution. It should be the last. It has NEVER given me a happy feeling. Like the feeling I get when I hear a baby cry and then watch as the mother soothes the babe with her breast. It's beautiful! Simple. Lovely. I get weepy talking about it. It's something so human and beautiful. It's also something incredibly holy and sacred. I hope I will be a breastfeeding mother for the next 10 years. I would be okay if E nursed and then another baby came and we kept on nursing. 

I will end on this note:::: 

 We should want what is TRULY best for our kids. God gives us the best. He sent His son to die so we could have eternal life. The least, LEAST we can do is love our children and give them the best of us. 

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8 NIV)

My job.

How we treat our kids is most important. As the world systematically crushes the hearts of children, it's our job as parents to teach & show our children that God is for them. 

The above statement came to me as I watched my son wave and smile at a passerby who didn't return the gesture. And this isn't the first time I've observed this type of interaction. If we are out in public, it happens often. Usually, I say, "are you saying hi Elijah?"  Then and only then do the people change their facial expressions from blank/annoyed. And they give a smile or a wave and maybe just maybe say hello. 

It hit me that it's my job as Elijah's mother (and my husband's) to show him that he's special. And that being friendly is always the right thing to do. 

We must model this behavior for him. Because clearly the world and the people living in it, will not always be as kind. But we have to press on and continue to be kind without expecting anything in return. 

I can see that it would be easy to get discouraged as a child. Especially one who is just learning to communicate. He tries to and people just stare at him like he's an alien. Seriously, people react more to puppies and kittens then they do to my son! 

And maybe it's the area in which we live. I sure hope so. I hope people are more friendly in less harsh of climates. But that isn't where we live. We live here. Here in MN where people can be very cold. And people tend to be antisocial unless they are drunk. 

But no matter what. It's still my job to impart God's love to my child(ren). 

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6 

A reminder

This is my new favorite spot. I found this clump of trees lining a dirt road while I was driving around last week. This day, I was a little frustrated because Elijah had been fighting naps. Even though he was acting tired and cranky, he wouldn't relax and sleep. So I stuck him in his car seat. That will always do the trick. He can't resist sleep in his #combi seat! I'm so glad my husband let me get the compact orange seat! We had quite the debate about which seat to purchase. Anyways, as I was driving, I stumbled upon this road and these trees. And they have been a huge blessing. They have brought me such peace & sparked my creativity. And they have been a reminder of God's love and attentiveness. He pays attention to us and if we keep our eyes open and our hearts soft, our soul is receptive to His voice. And He calms our hearts and eases our worries. Beauty is out there to find. But we have to choose to see it. 

Always

I will never be done sharing how Jesus has changed me. And made me new. And taken away the guilt and pain and shame of my past. And how the joy of The Lord has filled my heart. 

I was never trying to fight. 

Simply spreading hope to anyone who wants it.

But I've put in the effort. The daily renewing of my mind. Daily finding new ways to see beauty. 

I also had to make choices. Stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs and openly and blatantly sinning and being vulgar and gross. 

All my choices lead me down a dark path. And then by God's grace, I couldn't take it anymore and I chose to let God have my heart instead of the world. 

Those choices and the knowledge of knowing that every day is a new day and Jesus loves and forgives me when I stumble, all of it together has lead me to here and now. 

It isn't something that magically happened over night. And it wasn't by chance. I sought hard and still do. 

I chose to stop the party life and choose to go to church and praise God. And listen to Bible teachers. And truly repent and let my heart be softened. 

It isn't something I take lightly. 

But it is something, I love sharing. And I love helping other people find a relationship with Jesus. It's what life is all about.