Even when I fail.

Time sure flies! It's moving day #2 and I am sick as can be! And I've failed a lot today. I've been crabby, sad, annoyed, mad, rude etc. you name it. That's me. Always messing up. 

I spent a lot of time today thinking and looking back at photos. While I laid around. I am glad I take so many photos. It's a great reminder that ugly days like today are few and far between. And sure I mess up and get upset. And then I say things I shouldn't. And then it's hard cause I feel bad and it's too late cause the words were already said. Then I have to be sure to apologize. 

We had plans to bring Elijah to a pumpkin patch today. But I'm sick. And the weather is far too windy. And that bummed me out because it's the last weekend before it closes. :( It's a silly lame problem, but I really wanted to go. 

It's been hard for me this weekend because there's so much junk in our life. Literally, too. Much. Stuff. And I haven't done the greatest job of cleaning things and organizing our previous house. So there's crap everywhere. Odds and ends. Nick knacks. And garbage. So embarrassing. So. So. Embarrassing. Makes me want to crawl in a hole and bury my face in shame. 

Being sick & not being able to help pack and unpack my belongings is frustrating. I don't mind being helped when I join in & help too. But just having everything done for me is hard. And just when I think I am maturing, boom, I'm right back where I started. A constant reminder that I'm useless on my own. And I need Jesus. Cause clearly on hard days, stressful times, I still can't hold it together by myself. And today I tried to hard to do it on my own. I got too caught up in the bad aspects & got too overwhelmed. I am Thankful for new mercies everyday, every hour. Cause today has been one failure of a day. But tomorrow I will get up, if I'm not too sick & trudge forward, and walk In forgiveness to myself. Because that's the person I struggle to forgive more than anyone else. 

Even when I fail God loves me for me.

Jesus died for me. 

And no matter what failures occur, I can pick things up with Jesus by my side and keep going. 

And that's a hard concept somedays.

But it is a truth. 

A real truth. 

So if today is a rough day or week or even year or years, it is OKAY. 

TURN TO JESUS. 

REMEMBER HE SEES YOU. 

HE SEES US JUST AS WE ARE. 

FLAWED. 

BROKEN. 

BEAUTIFUL. 

and guess what? 

HE LOVES US! 

With the biggest love there is. Love that lays down it's own life. Love that chooses to sacrifice everything for you and for me. 

It is hard to remember. But we have to trudge forward. And remember.  

Sleep is a journey

I am a true believer that every child will find their sleep, in their own time. Ebear has been slowly finding his way to sleep. For almost a week now he has been saying "nigh night" while pointing to the bedroom. So we go into our bed, he is a little restless but we hold hands and and thank Jesus for protecting us while we sleep and we thank Him for our day. Elijah says "thankoo, jeesh ame" (thank you, Jesus amen) & then he slowly babbles himself to sleep while holding his teddy & then I transition him to his crib. I know in time he will be secure enough to fall asleep apart from me and K,

But for now, we are enjoying the cuddles, prayers and kisses. #GodisGood #goodnight 

Be.

http://youtu.be/nrXOOZyMemY

Sleep changes.

My heart. 

My baby has hit some major milestones this week. 

People make such a huge deal about babies and their sleep schedules. 

Sleep train. 

Cry it out. 

Don't co sleep. 

Don't night nurse after infancy. 

The list goes on and on. And I ignored all the advice, judgments & rude comments. And I knew as Elijah's mother that in time, he would find his sleep pattern. We prayed together for God to help us sleep. And the past 3 days, Elijah has asked to take a nap & to go to bed. He is in our room with us. But I see now that letting him feel secure when it comes to sleeping has been so healthy. I can sit back & know that I didn't keep him at arms length. I didn't deny him my presence or Kaleb's. We let him bond & showed him we are with him. 

My theory about sleep has been proven to be a solid idea. Each child WILL find their sleep. But just as every other part of development, it is individual and specific to every child. We are, after all, each a unique person. 

If we spent less time discussing and planning how to get our babies to sleep, and we just enjoyed them and helped them feel secure, it would alleviate a lot of unwarranted anxiety. 

Garden Goodness

My garden journey has taught me many things. But today, today I learned the biggest lesson of all.

Today I saw that even from a broken, withering vessel, God brings forth life. 

Is that not a beautiful sentiment? I had looked at my garden about 2 weeks ago. The cucumbers were withering and appeared to be done. All the leaves were crumpled and brown. So, I wrote the garden off. It was a good run, and we will make a new one next year, I thought. I was just waiting to mow it all down because the new renters don't want to garden. And today, my MIL was looking at our yard and we walked back to the garden plot. And lo and behold, there was a bunch of cucumbers, the vines were withered and so were the leaves. But the cucumbers had grown gigantic! Some of them are massively OVERGROWN. Probably too seedy to eat. And I heard so strongly, see what I can do with broken, ugly, withered things? I can make beauty from the ashes. I do this for my children just as I did it for these plants.
Some of the greatest testimonies of Jesus' changing Grace come from the mouths of people who were once broken. And those testimonies/those stories are the most beautiful. Those individuals whose hearts broke for the cause of Christ have incredible stories of the amazing changing power of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

God doesn't look at our outward appearance. He doesn't look at how much you attend church, or how much you give back to the community. He first looks at our hearts. We could do all sorts of good works, but if our hearts aren't first aligned with God, our good deeds aren't worth anything to the Lord.

Isaiah 64:6
But we are all like an unclean thing,
And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags;
We all fade as a leaf,
And our iniquities, like the wind,
Have taken us away.

The above phrase "filthy rags" truly translates from Greek as "menstrual rags" or "bloody rags". Vulgar? Definitely. But It illustrates just exactly the worthlessness of good works without faith in Jesus Christ. In modern day language, filthy rags would be the equivalent to a dirty pad/tampon. First, we are saved the Grace because Jesus' bloodshed on the cross. Then because of the Holy Spirit living within us, we have to desire to do good works before the Lord.  Our good works and our following the rules do NOT save us. And I truly believe that the Bible makes it clear that only through Jesus are we saved. It isn't do good works and then we are saved. Our salvation doesn't rest in a long list of things NOT to do and another list of things TO DO. We are saved and the good works come when we follow after Jesus.

Romans 3:27-30
27 Where then is boasting? It is excluded. By what kind of law? Of works? No, but by a law of faith. 28 [a]For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from works [b]of the Law. 29 Or is God the God of Jews only? Is He not the God of Gentiles also? Yes, of Gentiles also, 30 since indeed God who will justify the [c]circumcised [d]by faith and the[e]uncircumcised through faith is one.

Seriously, my eyes fill with tears as I contemplate the beauty of God. The grace that He gives us each and every day. And today my garden was a reminder of what God can do if we let Him work in our hearts & our lives.

If you sit here with a heavy heart, I urge you to take a moment with the Lord. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you seek Him, you WILL find Him. No matter who you are or where you come from, no matter what you have done, God sees YOU. He knows YOU.
One of my most favorite Bible chapters, PSALM 139 talks about God searching us and knowing us. And Rebecca St. James has a song based on this Bible verse and it says:

You search me, you know me, you see my every move, there's nothing I could ever do to hide myself from you. You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts. My weaknesses and pride. You know what I am going through and how I feel inside. But even though you know, you will always love me. Even though you know, you'll never let me go. I don't deserve your love. But you give it freely. You will always love me, even though you know.

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Fear has lost.

My thoughts on fears that grip us, make us stand still in fright & stop us from moving forward:

I say. Write down each fear and under each fear find a Bible verse that disputes that fear! And take time and say outloud, not in your head. Outloud so the demons can hear you, that JESUS wins!

 "The darkness will not win because Jesus is my savior." 

"My soul belongs to Jesus."

"I will not be afraid because Jesus is with me"

I struggle terribly being afraid of the dark. It grips me often. But I refuse to let it take hold. We cannot!! WE CANNOT CONQUER THESE TYPES OF FEARS ALONE! God commands us to fear not because He is with us. I sing "Jesus, lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go" every time the feeling over come me. God gives us the tools in the Bible to conquer anything. But we have to actively do our part. We have to lay our fears at the foot of the cross and cover them in the blood of Christ. If Jesus can conquer death, He can and will help us conquer our fears. But we have to include him. We have to demand the demon of fear leave us alone. It is important that we truly understand who we are in Christ. That constant truth has helped me face the darkness without fear. I have found that with this fear it takes more than prayer. It takes action. It takes facing the darkness with Christ. Every single time I have to go outside in the dark, I talk out loud. There is immense power in Jesus' name. Sometimes it's all I can do to just speak His name. The fear sneaks up on me. If I sit here and claim to believe the God of the Bible is real, then that means that I have to believe He will meet me where I am. And He has and always will. 

Dear one, fear is how Satan torments us. He sits back and laughs as we tremble. But he's the truly scared one. He's Scared that he has already lost. Scared that Jesus has your soul. 

If anyone ever needs prayer feel free to find me on Instagram & snap chat ::: @mamaholzhauer 

Twitter: @jensavedbygrace 

Please Choose Life

I've never been terminally ill. But I have always told myself if that was what God has in my plan, that I would love my life to the fullest. Every last breath.

I read this touching blog and found the words I have in my heart for Brittany M.  Written down for all to see. 

Here they are. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/10/dear-brittany-why-we-dont-have-to-be-so-afraid-of-dying-suffering-that-we-choose-suicide/

The Bible is real. 

Jesus Saves. 

He loves you! 

Rest in that truth! 

We bought a house

World Smile Day

This has been one of the longest days of our parenting career. I am so glad to be on the other side of it. I lay here in our warm bed so thankful. Thankful to God for sending me a great husband to care for our family. And to show God's love to our son. I am so thankful for our health. So many parents spend endless days & nights in hospital rooms, praying for their sick child. I am so thankful for the prayers of friends and family, near & far. It touches me that Instagram facilitates such a community. I cherish the friendships I have made. I digress,- this day has so many emotions. And I am still praying for the people involved in a terrible car accident as we drove back home from Mankato. I am so thankful for such a lovely & kind dentist. She made everything better for our sweet boy! And she told us we are great parents & to not worry about his teeth problems being our fault. I needed to hear that. I truly did. This whole day has been more proof that my Father in Heaven is watching & taking care of us.