My journey to Surrender

I want to share my journey to Baby #2. I hope that it brings anyone who reads it to a place of peace. But more importantly, I pray it shows you that surrendering to the God of the universe is always worth it. I will explain what I mean later on.

Let's back up to JUNE 2014.

Kaleb and I had been praying and feeling like we should let God plan our family. And we both want several more children. So we decided to let things unfold naturally. But, if I'm honest I wanted a baby to happen soon.

July, August, September, October, November, all went by and no baby. I thought, no big deal, we will just keep going. But I was starting to get sad.

January, nope.
February, my monthly was late, nut nope, I wasn't pregnant.

Over winter last year is when I really started to feel sad. I wondered why it wasn't happening. Part of this sadness was because things happened right away with Elijah.

But God had a different journey for me. I remember driving one day, this summer and praying and talking to God. And in all seriousness, my thoughts and words were coming from an angry place, a sad place; from a "why me? Why are you doing this God? What I want isn't bad, I just want a baby" My heart was whiny and I had dug my spiritual heals in. I did not want to budge.

Plain and simple.

That day, I remember so clearly, I wish I would've written down the date. I believe it was in May 2015. God impressed these words into my mind, "Why aren't you content? If Elijah is your only child is that good enough? It should be."

BAM.

God has a way of getting right to the point. He knows me perfectly. I knew the words were from God, because my own mind would never think of them, not in a million years. They brought me to my knees (metaphorically of course as I was driving). I wept in the car. I had gotten so caught up in my own pity party that I hadn't wanted to surrender to God's ultimate plan.


For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Psalm 100:5


If I know God is good because the Bible tells me just that, then why was I arguing?


The other big revelation I had was that the journey to surrendering means more when it's been difficult. And what I mean by that is, only if we've been resisting God's will and insisting we know best, only then does it mean a great deal to let go of our plans and soften our hearts and trust in God.


I wept that day in the car for two reasons. One was a feeling of embarrassment for my childish words to God. But the other reason is hard to explain. I looked at Elijah in his car seat and was thankful. This boy of ours is a wonderful child. He is exactly what our family needed in 2013 and he continues to be exactly what our world needs now. How could I not be okay with him being my only child? Many women don't get the chance to carry a child of their own.



In the car that day, I said,
Okay God,
1. I'm sorry for my selfish mindset.
2. Today, I move forward. I surrender. I let go of my plans. And I will wait on you.

He says, 

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalm 46:10


I was going to choose to be still and rest in knowing, the same God who created the world, who sent His son to die in my place for my sins, will take care of me and my heart. I also decided to pray every day for a child. I was so caught in being sad I hadn't been praying daily for a baby. I struggle and often think it annoys God to pray for the same things over and over. That is my own human nature putting impatience and an unapproachable personality onto God. When He doesn't hold those qualities.


this journey of patience and surrender has brought me ever so close to my Lord. It showed me, once again how God knew what I needed before I did. It showed me that being sad or mad or frustrated or angry are all OKAY emotions. We cannot help the emotions that arise within us. Nor does God want us to ignore them. What he wants is for us to bring those feelings to Him. When we do that we are less likely to act out in a sinful manner. We can leave our hearts and feelings in God's hands.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30


He is our Father in Heaven.
He sees me and He loves me.
He sees you and He loves you.
He sees us and He loves us.


He wants us to trust Him.


So often, we are afraid of negative feelings. I know I am. I think God will be displeased with me for being sad or angry. But He isn't. He is there and His grace abounds in our deepest struggles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


September 24, 2015 I was late. But, we had been here before and I prayed.
I said,
Okay, Lord, whatever the result, it's okay. The life you've laid before me is yours and I'm grateful. Help me to continue to be content.


PRAYER IS POWERFUL!
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
1 Chronicles 16:11

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6



The test was positive!
I couldn't believe it!
What a beautiful surprise!


God had me walk a trial specifically tailored to who I am. It's hard to explain in words. But I look back and I needed to come to a humble place of surrender. It has deepened my relationship with the Lord and it has strengthened my daily walk with Jesus.


Side note:
The other major thing I learned from this: 1. DON'T randomly ask people when is baby #2 coming. If you have to ask, you obviously don't know the struggle the woman/couple has been facing.
2. And DO NOT say "it's about time." When someone announces another pregnancy. Just don't. It's hurtful if the people have lost a baby, miscarried or simply waited as I did.
All of or sadness is real. Be kind when you speak.


In the end---
The tears, the anger and the worry all served a purpose. How could I know peace and contentment without first being tormented and discontented?


I hope by reading this, you are encouraged. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are, God is near. He is waiting for you to talk to Him. He's not mad or disappointed. He is simply waiting for you.


This life may be difficult, tragedy occurs but God is constant through all things. He brings beauty out of ashes.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor
Isaiah 61:1-3


We are each given the life we have. God sets us in our families. It's our choice to choose Jesus and seek after Him.

My prayer is that by sharing my journey you are encouraged. I pray you seek Jesus and find the grace waiting for you.

This verse has been my mantra through this journey, God placed it on my heart a few weeks ago.

Psalm 30:11-12 “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”


All my love,


Jenni

Hind sight // God's plan

Joseph's story in the Bible is one of my favorites. Joseph must've been so scared to be sold into slavery. He must have been sad and angry many times through out his life. Because other people a used their power and hurt him.

It reminds me that hind sight is a funny thing. As we are in the midst of something painful, sad, confusing or frustrating (or all of the above) it's easy to forget about God. Or it's easy to think he's forgotten me. But that's our flesh and that's me attributing human characteristics to God. People let us down. People forget us. But God. God does not. He just doesn't. And when we look back after the hard time has passed, if we've been following God through it, we can see all the beauty he revealed. We can look back and see His hand was over us the entire time. There was a point to the suffering. And there was a purpose for the pain. It molds us and changes us and stretches us to new depths. His plan and His will for my life is good. 

Elijah's sleep

Last night for the first time, Elijah didn't wake up from his bedroom and come into our bed. I can't help but feel sad. It's the slow fade of his babyhood. At the same time, I have no regrets in how we coslept. Everyone told me he would NEVER want to leave our bed. And he would never learn how to self regulate his sleep. Clearly, that was false. What is different, is I haven't been in a rush to force him to sleep alone until he was ready. Here we sit, having accomplished what I knew would just happen in HIS time; God's time and Elijah's, not mine, not the so called experts'. He loves his big boy bed. There's been no major battles. No nights of crying it out. If anything, it's been a ridiculously smooth transition. Considering the blogs and anecdotes I've read/heard about sleep training. We've had none of that. But that could be because there's been absolutely NO sleep training in this house. But mysteriously our child learned how to sleep through the night. The only reason he wakes in the night in his room is because he kicks the covers off and his hands get cold. It's amazing that sleeping through the night happens naturally if we allow it to unfold. Infants and small toddlers aren't designed to sleep solidly through the night. They need to know they are safe and secure. Who knew that humans were designed to sleep at night. (Hint of sarcasm) #momlife #insincts #patience 

random thought on breastfeeding.

I've found that most women don't want to nurse every hour or as they say "on demand". They worry the baby is eating too much or too little. They pump because they want instant relief from discomfort and to know how many ounces baby is eating. But there's no amount of breastmik that will be too much for baby or cause harm. And as far as too little, with on demand feeding that's irrelevant. Up until now, a baby gets constant food and never has felt hungry in the womb. And they shouldn't. Most people wait until baby is crying. But experts say that means the baby has been very hungry for 15-30 mins. And they shouldn't wait that long. If baby was changed and still seems restless, I offered the breast. And nearly every time it solved the problem.
At the beginning I nursed Elijah sometimes every 30 mins. He was a snacker. Women told me, withhold a feeding and they will learn not to snack. But I never did that. I went off baby's own instincts. And looking back, I can't imagine any other way.

A fork in the road. .

Sometimes, in life we come to a place where we have two choices, a metaphorical fork in the road. One road is vast, easy and has no rules but it's full of sin & selfishness & slowly leads us to our own destruction. The other road is narrow and difficult because there are morals and it can be hard to be left out but it leads to God's grace, healing and redemption in Jesus. 

But WE choose. No one can force us down either path. And at the end of our life, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the outcome. 

I believe at any time someone can turn onto the Jesus road. But you have to be willing to die to self and let God rule and reign. 

CHOOSE. 

Newborn life is easy. *gasp* Did she just say what I think she did?

Proverbs 31:25-30

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” ...

When you're pregnant people tell you, enjoy sleep while you can. I don't say that to pregnant women. You know why? Because being the mother of a newborn is easy. Yup, I said it. (keep reading to understand my point) It's a walk in the park with a cool breeze and a sweet tea in hand. Sleeping when the baby sleeps was phenomenal. Cosleeping, nursing round the clock, and endless snuggles was bliss. Sure there were lots of diaper changes and blowouts. The baby might cry or need some special attention. They may be colicky. 

As the mother, you may have to give up some things to create a solid nursing relationship. I had to give up dairy. I do not drink caffeine, haven't since 2009. I had to give up citrus, garlic, onions, peppers, pretty much every spice, salt, refined sugars and tomatoes. And I'm probably forgetting some things. But it was all worth it. And it wasn't hard. It was necessary. 

We create these children by having sex do we not? Is it their fault they exist? No. They didn't choose it. We did. Our choices created them. Then they arrive & often they are not put first. And then, their needs aren't properly met & their behavior changes for the worst and they cry too much and don't sleep through the night. They want to be held and how dare they act hungry all the time! How dare they take up our time! People act as if babies are manipulating the situation. When really they are just desperately needing things that only a mother can give! 

I tell mothers to enjoy being pregnant for you don't know what the future holds. It could be the only chance you get to experience it. I tell them, to enjoy the newborn and forget about the dishes. Cause guess what? It's been 30+ months and the dishes still get dirty. But having that precious time with Elijah is irreplaceable. I don't have to sit here with regrets or guilt about anything in regards to his development and how grounded & bonded he is to me and Kaleb. Which carries over into how grounded he is in life. He knows, in the night that we are near. He has never had to be away from the safety of his parents. 

Yes, in America we value sleep. Because we have these perfectly orchestrated, timed out lived. And babies interfere with the schedule. How dare they not conform!! An infant doesn't need a schedule. You know what they need? They need the constant presence of their mother. They need to sleep on her chest, hear her heartbeat, smell her, and feel her warmth. 

I tell mothers to enjoy newborn life because now I sit here and I'm exhausted. Being the mom of an extraordinary 2.5 year old little boy involves every emotion, everyday. It's beautiful. It's messy. It's fast. It's slow. It's in-between. It's spiritual. It's joyful. It's educational. Its hard. It's everything. It takes a skill set that is developed over time. The newborn stage, if approached naturally and without the American pathetic ideals in mind, is easy. Because it doesn't take thought, as much as it takes action. It takes being there. It takes sacrifice, yes. But the baby is immobile! They can't go anywhere! They can climb trees at warp speed, or run away or yell "no mama"!! Newborns need to be nourished, changed and HELD! Toddlers need everything. They are developing so many skill sets that will be theirs for a lifetime. And it's my job as full time mom to continue to nurture and guide Elijah so he is the best possible version of himself. The version that the Lord God intended when He knit him together in my womb. 

I tell mothers to soak up their newborn. Breath them in, let them be on your skin all the time and don't ever let society tell you the baby is a burden. Don't ever let them make you feel like your baby doesn't act right or perform according to the idiotic standards of modern day America. Because simply existing, the baby is doing exactly what he/she knows how to do. It's our job to give them their needs. They need us. 

 I am far more tired now then I ever was when Elijah was a baby. Babyhood is easy. Hold tight to that and enjoy every second!

My heart is on the mend.

From the deep recesses of my soul, thank you, for the kind words and prayers. Day one with out my Arndog was terrifying and heart wrenching but we did it together. God sent me an immense amount of people to pray for me & give encouragement. My friends/family near and far have been such a blessing. My mom & sister are here grieving with us. Not having to cook dinner because my mom took care of it, helped so much. (Arnie would stand by my feet while I cooked 😢.) I see how powerful & special social media can be if we use it correctly & for God's positive purposes. Speaking kindly & loving others through the hard seasons is what Jesus calls us to do. So truly, thank you, I cannot say it enough.

Summer // 2015

This has been a fabulous summer. 

We've had busy days and slow days. A perfect combo. 

Seriously I couldn't ask for anything better. 

Weddings. 

Sunshine.  

Puppies. Kittens. Chickens. Travel. Engagement! Wedding planning! Love. Love. Love. Garden. Joy. Smiles. Photos. 

E is amazing and talking a ton and learning so much! 

A E I O U !  Repeat! 

He loves Jesus loves me! 🎶🎵

Saved by grace

http://www.radicallychristian.com/tell-me-the-truth-are-we-saved-by-grace-or-not

A MUST read article! 

Seriously. 

I've written on this subject before but this article is so great! 

A thousand Amens! 

This year's planting..

I didn't know how much I was missing having my own outdoor perennials! Now that we have tons of space, I have gone flower CRAZY! God has also blessed us with great super sale finds! We love the clearance rack in the garden center at every store we go to!

At Walmart I found tulips, 2 for $.24! I couldn't believe it! I bought 23 containers! so 46 bulbs! Amazing! $5.75! SCORE! I also picked up some annuals for making a hanging planter out of a vintage strainer. 

They won't bloom again until next year and even if only some of them bloom, I will be happy! And if none of them do, well, we are only out $5 bucks!

I found a snowball viburnum on sale! It was such a gift from God. In several years, I hope it is a lovely big bush! 

I planted a 40 ft strip of wild flowers and other perennial flower seeds in preparation for my sisters wedding next year. I hope they survive winter and flourish next year! 

The garden is sprouting. Tomorrow if the weather holds out I will weed and lay down black paper to kill the grass sprouts. 

We were out shopping one day for some chicken supplies and Runnings had a sale on their trees and they had one Weeping Pussy Willow left. I had my heart set on that being Elijah's placenta tree! Originally $60 and we got it for $47! Such a blessing. 

BACKSTORY: So when I was pregnant with Elijah, we had discussed what to do with his placenta. I loved the idea of planting a tree for every child. So we decided to do that. But Elijah was born in January. And that meant we couldn't plant it right away. We also lived in a rental house so we didn't want to leave it behind. My parents have a chest freezer in their basement. So we bagged it, labeled it & put it in the freezer until we found our forever home. Then we moved to another rental house for 1.5 years. So we still couldn't plant the placenta. We purchased our home September 30, 2014. And we simply didn't have the extra funding for a tree. It's also better to plant a tree at the beginning of summer in MN. And there really isn't anywhere local to purchase trees in fall/winter. And often the ground is already frozen so digging up the dirt without a bobcat or bulldozer is IMPOSSIBLE. So we were waiting for this summer to find a tree. But I'm thankful for extra freezers because that means the placenta hasn't degraded and will still be able to be planted. When my mom is back from Italy we will have a prayer ceremony and plant it near the tree. I'm so excited to watch this tree grow over the years! For each future child, I hope to find unique, special trees for them! 

Placenta planting is a very sacred and special part of life for us. The placenta carries nutrients from mother to baby & is the life source for the child. Blood flows through the cord and veins life to a beautiful soul. 

It makes me think of Jesus shedding His blood for me and you and every person. His blood brings life and healing. Our own blood provides us with physical life. We need it to survive. Jesus' blood was the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. And the significance and comparison between the mother carrying a child and the placenta bringing blood to the baby to sustain life, is such a beautiful metaphor for salvation. 

I think of all of this when I picture Elijah's tiny body forming in my womb. His perfect soul being knit together. The very essence of his being was created from that placenta and God's hands. 

It's sad that in our culture things related to how we are formed inside of the womb are "gross" or "weird" or "unnecessary". Nothing about pregnancy, labor, delivery or post partum should have such a negative stigma attached to it. It is a beautiful part about life. It isn't gross or weird. And it is very necessary. Also, demeaning, making fun of others for choosing to do things differently or alternatively (in regards to procreating) and choosing to hold certain things as sacred, is unacceptable. I hate that they have labels like "dirty hippy", "crunchy", "granola mom", "granola people", "tree hugger", "hippy mom" etc. I don't claim to be any of those things. I just simply pray and do what we feel is best and what God would be pleased with. If we all strive for that, life would be easier. 

I'm so glad we have saved Elijahs Placenta in the freezer. And whenever we have another child, I will save that placenta also for as long as we need. In MN we don't have a very long summer, and that's the best time to plant. So it's all about timing and what time of year a baby is born!

•••••••••••••••••••

I'm excited for this summer! We have a lot of fun things to look forward to! 

Here are some flashbacks to when Elijah's placenta was his only source of nourishment. 

Children

It seems that when your first child hits age 2 every single person asks questions or has comments about you having another child. It's just a societal thing. So I thought I would quickly blog my heart on this subject.

Here are some of the frequently asked questions to which, I Most often I just reply with "Well, we aren't preventing pregnancy". That way we can just move on to another subject.

"How many children do you guys want? / Do you want to have more children?"

This is often the way that people try to gently ask if we are going to have more children. Or if we are trying to have more. The answer is, we aren't preventing children from occurring. So we will welcome as many as God gives us. 

"He's getting so big! That's when you know it's time for another"

Oh golly, thanks. We stopped preventing children in JUNE 2014 and a baby clearly hasn't happened. And we are both doing our best to have patience, trust God, and remember His plan is greater than our plan. But that also doesn't mean we haven't been sad at times over the past almost year. It only took once and Elijah happened. We assumed that would happen again. And it hasn't. 

"Are you pregnant?"

No. I just like the topic of pregnancy, birth and child rearing. I also love to pin maternity photos and cool things related to pregnancy, labor and birth. But just because I do that, it doesn't mean I'm pregnant. 

"What about another baby?"

I never know exactly what to say. I've been saying "we don't prevent". Simple. Short. Sweet. Lately, the questions have been making me pretty sad. I often go home and cry in the shower and ask God to help my heart feel okay. 

"You have three dogs, isn't it time for a baby??"

Refer to previous answer.. 

"Instead of getting more pets, you should have another baby!"

Refer to previous answer... 

"It's about baby time isn't it?"

Refer to previous comment...

"Elijah needs a sibling to play with!"

He has friends, dogs, cats, chickens, and a bunny. Whenever another baby happens, we will welcome that child with open arms. Until then, we are truly enjoying our present life. It really is turning into a lovely dream like existence. A little homestead in progress, a fourwheeler, pets, trees and space to explore! Kaleb and I have been working on our marriage and learning and growing. Life is a process. And just because another child hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean we don't want one and it doesn't mean we are preventing them. 

I truly know that people do not mean any harm by asking these questions. I don't blame them for how the words make me feel. It is my personal journey. But the questions are hard to answer some days.

I would also like to say, avoid these questions when you don't know someone very well. You really never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors. A woman may have just lost a baby or is unable to have children. I avoid these questions now when first getting to know someone. I have been practicing just getting to know a person's heart.

Elijah is a beautiful child inside and out. He is kind, compassionate, wild, loud, brilliant, goofy, joyful and caring. I don't ever want him to feel like he isn't enough. He has made me a mother. God specifically knit him together in my womb and I will be forever grateful. It is a gift beyond measure to be sitting in the recliner with him while I type this. He is better and more amazing than any person I ever could have imagined as my child. I praise God for Elijah's life.
Yes, we want to have a big family, but we also want to be mindful of what God wants for us as a family. He knows something we don't know. And I WILL be okay with that and I find peace in knowing He has a plan. But that doesn't leave me without emotion and about grieving the plans I had for MY life. We all like to make plans and think our plans will always work out perfectly the way we want. But sometimes, they don't. And I don't want that to take away from my current life. I have been feeling my emotions as they arise and being mindful of how desperately I want more kids. But I also want to be fully aware that God hears me and knows my heart. And I am not alone in this also, Kaleb wants more children also. So together we have to face what God has planned for us, whatever that may be.

Desert Song by Hillsong United always helps my heart remember what is important...


This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Goodbye, for now.

God promised at the birth of time,

A special friend to give,

His time on earth is short, He said,

So love him while he lives. 

It may be for eight or ten years,

Or only two or three,

But will you, till I call him back,

Take care of him for Me? 

A wagging tail and cold wet nose,

And silken velvet ears,

A heart as big as all outdoors,

To love you through the years. 

His puppy ways will gladden you,

And antics bring a smile,

As guardian or friend he will,

Be loyal all the while. 

He'll bring his charms to grace your life,

And though his stay be brief,

When he's gone the memories,

Are solace for your grief. 

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since all from earth return,

But lessons only a dog can teach,

I want you each to learn. 

I've looked the whole world over,

In search of guardians true,

And from the folk that crowd life's land,

I have chosen you. 

Whatever love you give to him,

Returns in triple measure,

Follow his lead and gain a life,

Brim full of simple pleasures. 

Enjoy each day as it comes,

Allow your heart to guide,

Be loyal and steadfast in love,

As the dog there by your side. 

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labor vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call,

To take him back again? 

I fancy each of us would say,

Dear Lord, thy will be done,

For all the joys this dog shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run. 

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay. 

But should the angels call for him,

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand. 

If by our love we've managed,

God's wishes to achieve,

In memory of him that we have loved,

And to help us while we grieve; 

When our faithful bundle departs,

This earthly world of strife,

We'll get yet another pup,

And love him all his life.

Be honest

If I have ever been your friend or ever cared about you, my love doesn't end. Life may take us different ways but my caring level doesn't change. 

People come and go in our lives. That's how it works. We love them while they are with us face to face. People move. People get married. People travel. People die. 

People take many different paths, in different directions, but that doesn't mean I stop caring. It just means the season has passed. Life has to move forward and we don't live close or we get busy with work or school. 

I was raised to love with my whole heart. And being Italian helps also. It's a harsh reality in which other people often don't care as deeply. 

I care and love so many people I have encountered in my life. And I will continue to do so even when I find out I didn't mean as much to them. In fact, I didn't mean anything to them because they can easily walk away. 

 I won't regret loving anyone or being honest. Because that's what Christ calls us to do. 

Listen to your child

Deep issues people battle can be caused by a number of things. A combination of flaws because this world is broken. But from reading and knowing people struggling with identity issues, I've come to the conclusion that many emotional issues we have, they stem from childhood. It can be as simple as never being listened to or as serious as sexual abuse. Lately, my son wants to pretend to be a baby, he floats in and out of his "baby" character and sometimes he says he is mommy while he's wiping the table, or he wants to be a dog or cat. In 10 minutes he can be all of these things. And to me it's just playful and his mind works fast. To the world, they would want to label him (ADD, ADHD, etc) and some would tell me not to play along. But I think, if I belittle his mind now as it is just turning on, what will that do? 

When I see parents belittling a child or yelling instead of listening, I think of that child as an adult. I say a prayer of protection over that child. With lost and confused people, my first thought is "what happened to you when you were young" or even what didn't happen? How were they damaged? 

Big boy bed

Elijah chose to sleep in his own bed tonight. I laid beside him for 10 mins and he dozed off. I was told that co-sleeping leads to super clingy kids who never leave their parent's bed. As this chapter slowly closes, I regret nothing. And I miss him already even though this is the natural way it's supposed to be.  

Animals

I've spent a lot of time thinking this week, as I've had a cold. And I couldn't do much but survive the week. Too much TV in this house the last 5 days. // what struck me in such a profound way is how Elijah has changed so much since we moved to our homestead. We have 3 dogs, two cats, 1 bunny, 3 baby chicks (soon to be 18). There's a whole new part of Elijah's personality that has surfaced. One that we would have never seen without having animals. He is kind and wants to love every living thing. He sometimes loves a little hard and we have to teach him to be soft and gentle. I love seeing these new facets of Elijah's personality showing through. He is better for knowing how to care for animals. I love his open heart. He isn't afraid to love and be friendly. I pray as he grows, his love for Jesus and God's creation overpowers the negativity and this cold hearted world. #blessed.

Today's tiny thought

I've been told that my breastfeeding photos are offensive by several people. And that a toddler nursing is even more disgusting than a baby. // But this is my life with our son. I'm not going to hide. Because it's wonderful and beautiful and fleeting. Whenever he feels insecure, anxious, mad, sad, happy (etc.) he knows he can find solace and comfort near my heart. He's slowly weaning himself. Usually he nurses maybe twice a day, if that. I trust that he will stop when he feels confident to do so. // A breastfeeding mother doesn't need negativity in regards to her decision to nurse. No mother needs the negativity. I've just found that nursing moms tend to get more comments here in MN because we are the minority. It isn't kind and it isn't fair to judge what you don't understand. #blessings 

Teeth & Loss

This all started last summer. I noticed one day that Elijah's top teeth didn't look quite right. Even with brushing and a diet free of candy and all things sugary, his teeth appeared to have cavities. 

Sure enough, I was right. And so we scheduled surgery for October 2014. It went splendid. Elijah got all four top teeth capped with little crowns. And his molars had tiny cavities that the dentist fixed. 

In December one of his crowns fell off. So we went back in and had it fixed. Which was horrible. Elijah cried and so did I. 

Then on Monday evening the same crown fell off again which flashed me right back to the last time. It was so terrible that I really felt like Kaleb had to come with us this time. 

So, Tuesday we took the soonest available appointment. 2:00 pm. And as they were examining his tooth the dentist found a sore that indicated an abscess. Which is an infection inside the tooth. They can affect bone and cause damage to his growing/forming permanent teeth. So they took an X-Ray and sure enough his right front tooth was abscessed. And the only solution is to pull the tooth. 

Devastating.  

Our poor baby. 

So we thought for a moment and prayed. And decided to just get it over with now. What was the point in rescheduling and coming back in a month? It is a 70 mile drive for us to the pediatric dentist. 

So we decided to use the child strap because it would be the easiest way to keep Elijah calm. Which looked like this --- ----- 

It was a great decision because it kept Elijah calm. Or I should say, more calm than if he was free to move around. 

We sang "Jesus Loves Me" & "Jesus Loves the Little Children" 

That helped a lot. 

It was all over in a matter of 15 mins. 

Thank the Lord. 

I did not watch the tooth being pulled but Kaleb did. I couldn't watch. I have seen a lot of gross medical things but I couldn't watch it happen to my Ebear. 

All last night and today I have cleaned and went about the day as usual. But every now and then this very strange sadness rolls over me. I can't exactly pin-point it. But I was asking God to help me figure my emotions out in regards to this loss of a tooth. 

My big question is WHY is it bothering me so much? 

What am I afraid of? 

Is this really a big deal? 

Am I THAT shallow that a missing front tooth makes me so sad for my son? 

And as I was driving to the post office it was as clear as day. As if God himself spoke & said 

"it's sad because IT IS SAD. Let yourself be sad and grieve." 

Yes, this is a small thing. I GET that. I fully understand that other parents have sick/dying/handicapped children. But that doesn't belittle the suffering God has called ME to walk through or the suffering he has called Elijah to endure.  

I also felt God whisper, it's fear. 

The fear of what people will think of us as parents. The judgment they might pass on us; The questions, the looks. Why does my two year old have a tooth missing? And now I fear the looks, thoughts and comments. This is America where so much is about our outward appearance. I don't want anyone to make fun of my child. I fear how I would react if that happened. I am glad I will homeschool when that time comes because public school can be harsh if you have all of your teeth. 

I usually don't fear things. But this journey, I have battled fear. And I don't want it to win. Because that allows the enemy space into my life and my soul. 

But God says, do not fear. So that will be my prayer every day, to let go of that fear. To rest in the truth of God. And the fact that nothing we did as parents caused this, Elijah just so happened to have weak baby teeth. 

I am getting a clear picture of my emotions about this whole situation. I LOVED his cute baby teeth. I enjoyed watching them sprout and grow. Then they had to be shaved down and capped. THAT was sad. Now his cute little tooth is gone. And my sweet, smiley boy is still the same, he's just missing a small thing. But it has changed what he looks like. 

I pray his adult teeth grow healthy and strong. They looked good on the X-ray. And hopefully they come in sooner rather than later. 

Until then, we walk in God's grace. I will turn my face to the sky and remember that God's love never changes. I love my son no matter what he looks like. But it is okay to feel sadness and allow myself the space to find a new normal. 

We all have been called to walk through things that aren't consequences. They are just part of a fallen, broken world. And Jesus meets us there with grace and mercy. And we can find what we need if we look for it and open our hearts to the beauty of it. 

I am so glad I take photos like a crazed lunatic. Because there are TONS. Thousdands. Of photos of Elijah prior to all of this. I have photos of his shoe given baby teeth and all the big smiles. And I have photos of his capped teeth and how Shiney and white they were. 

And now, when he's comfortable, we will have photos of his new smile. 

On a side note: Take your babies to the dentist & brush their teeth diligently. I'm glad I did so that I have no guilt about what I could've done to prevent this little tragedy. 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

My heart open wide

People don't follow God's laws or even attempt to let Him into their hearts. Even worse, they openly do things to defy God and yet somehow they think God owes them a happy life. I've been reading "The Naked Christian" and it's bringing up a lot of my own short comings & it's making me want to further avoid being part of the "they". It's so easy to slip back into old patterns of thought & behavior. But I know with God, even a messed up day or week or year or life, can be turned around if we choose to allow love to reign in our hearts.

Teach.

Older women likewise are to be… teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3-5)

Broken bread.

"During communion, I couldn't help but notice the crumbs that kept falling from the bread basket. The spent body cracking and breaking onto the floor. I felt a sense of awe at the extravagance of the plenty, enough to spill over. And we all are taking our morsel and longing for nourishment beyond what we see and feel of this place. It's a mysterious meal. Something feels extravagant that the broken bread has an overflow of crumbs, and overflow of brokenness it doesn't try and hide. It feels like we may all be okay. The enough-ness of the meal in all of its simple frugality is hard to understand. Jesus is enough. He must be enough. He will sustain us through bottoms, tops, victories and failures. The place to be broken, the place to rejoice, the landing place to meet the worst of ourself and be met.... "

The above quote is from this link ^^^^ they are not my words. They are the words of a beautiful woman, Kara Tippetts. 

http://www.mundanefaithfulness.com/home/2015/2/9/spring-tickle

THIS IS WHY COMMUNION/SACRAMENT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! IT IS FOR EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. 

NO MATTER WHAT. 

NO MATTER WHAT SIN HAS BEEN COMMITTED. 

FORGIVENESS IS ALWAYS THERE FOR US TAKE. 

ALWAYS. 

I AM NOT SURE IF THAT WORD IS FULLY GRASPED BY HUMANS. 

JESUS SAID HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOTE FORSAKE US. 

NEVER. 

WHICH CAN BE FLIPPED TO SAY --

HE IS ALWAYS THERE. 

ALWAYS WAITING. 

ALWAYS REACHING FOR US. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO SEPARATE YOURSELF FROM JESUS. 

LET THAT SOAK INTO YOUR SOUL. 

REMEMBER THAT WE ALL MESS UP. 

WE ALL MAKE GRAVE MISTAKES. 

MISTAKES THAT CAN ALTER OUR LIVES. 

MISTAKES THAT HURT OTHERS. 

MISTAKES THAT GRIEVE THE HEART OF OUR CREATOR. 

BUT GUESS WHAT? 

If God is in it, it's not over. 

If your heart is truly repentant. 

Then you are forgiven. 

Find a church that allows you to take communion and find true forgiveness. 

They exist. 

And there are beautiful people waiting to help you meet Jesus in a real way. 

I urge you to seek CHRIST. 

You will find Him if you truly seek after HIM. 

STOP TRYING TO PLEASE MAN & ABIDE BY THEIR RULES AND REGULATIONS. 

STOP BELIEVING THE LIE THAT ALL SORTS OF CHURCH DOCTRINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO HEAVEN. 

IT ISN'T. 

If you long for something more. 

If you long to feel forgiven. 

If you long to find peace. 

If you've made mistakes. 

If you want to move forward. 

If you want healing for your soul. 

Jesus is near. 

He is waiting for you. 

For me. 

For everyone. 

❤️