Star of wonder, Star of Light...

Why a tree?? 

I did tons of research before I was married and after. And we really weigh what to do and what not to do when it comes to traditions and things for our family. Where does God want us?? What does HE want us doing/not doing. 

And my big thing is things aren't evil. Trees. Decorations. Etc. The heart of man is evil. Man turns inanimate objects into dirty, evil, things. And if in my house we bless our tree and we change the meaning of it, for us, then Some pagan idiots from years passed aren't the reason for OUR tree.
My mom made the tree about CHRIST growing up. She changed the meaning for us because she could. She made everything about Jesus.  Because that's the beauty of the gospel, really. Everything in life can relay back to Jesus Christ..

Beautiful trees that God made don't HAVE to represent evil or paganism or anything else we despise. We talked about how Jesus was born. How he laid in a manger. How he died on a cross. About how that manger and cross were made of wood. Sure it wasn't the exact same wood as the tree in our house. But it made us think about Jesus and what great love he poured out by coming here as a baby born just the same way as we were. She talked about how Jesus takes us and transforms us and lavishes his love upon us. And our lost soul goes from needy and dirty and tattered to brand new and clean and healed. And the tree represented that beauty to me. I remember thinking of it that way. We decorated the tree and sang all the great holy Christmas carols. They make me cry and I listen to them all year. We tied it in and made our own traditions. In SC, avoiding worldly things was all the rage in a big way. People boycotted everything. But in our house with a Christian mom, She went with the flow & my dad loves Christmas so she made memories and gave us four kids a childhood of joy. She knew that one day we would be here and things wouldn't be the same.

Every year at this time, no matter what, I have so much fun and joy fills the air. The man selling the Christmas trees was so friendly and kind. I heard him say tons family, he loves seeing smiling children as they pick a tree. And jump up and down for joy. Elijah was in awe of all the trees. I get excited thinking about what he will say as he is older. Because I will explain to him that God made everything. He made so much beauty for us to enjoy. My mom always asked us questions about God and we had such profound answers as toddlers/young kids. We pretended that we were shepherds and the angel on the top of our family tree was the choir of angels finding us in the field. Some of my most cherished memories. We tied a star to a long stick and pretended we were following it to Jesus. One Christmas my sister was born, dec 20, and that was amazing. My brother said, "we have our own baby on Christmas. Mom you are like Mary" it was the sweetest most tender moment. Him realizing a little more about God. 

Elijah is young so he doesn't understand much. He knows we pray before food and bed and when we leave the house and anytime we feel we need to. But even that he's not fully grasping quite yet. But he's so into it whenever we do it. 

Christmas is special to me. I do my best to keep my Christ eyes open all year. And especially this year. Christmas and all the fun activities have been such a blessing.  All sorts of bad things can be happening but then Christmas arrives and God has helped us all have fun moments and memories. And reminded us that it's okay to have fun amidst stress and pain. We don't have to sit and be sad constantly. Which is easy to do. Because sometimes life feels like watching a car crash that we can't stop. The harsh reality of people you love not choosing Jesus. And what that truly means for their souls. Terrifies me. But no one can force anyone to love Jesus-- To see the truth. 

We choose. 

We've had Some amazing photo opportunities. Some from getting our tree are the best photos I've ever taken. And just all around joy.

I don't want to be a part of the crowd and do things I shouldn't do. But making memories and being together, having fun looking at my sparkly tree with all the special ornaments on it doesn't make it a pagan thing. (Kaleb and I buy each other a special ornament every year we started it when we were dating). Because we aren't pagan. That tree is just a teeny tiny reminder of the majesty of my Savior. And I love looking at the intricate details of pine trees. They are my favorite. Such perfection and symmetry. 

And when it's done inside we will put it by our big picture window and we will decorate for the birds. It's so fun! Maybe it will even attract a cardinal! That would be my Christmas miracle. I love cardinals.

We all have to weigh and search our souls. And for me, where there is joy and love and smiles and laughter in my life, there is God. Because I seek the Kingdom first and watch as God works miracle after miracle. The day we had planned to get our tree was 55 degrees in December! I was so thankful and amazed. We were able to make an amazing day out of it. We've never gotten a real tree. And I thought it would be a fun tradition to start. Christmas tree cutting photos every year. 

And I see God in it all. He's right there. Leading us and helping us. He always is. And protecting our hearts and showing us how to cherish one another. And we've been budgeting for money but isn't about gifts this year. God really blessed us with great deals and yard sale finds and generous people and family. It helped us out tremendously. All of that is because God works in people's hearts and if it takes Christmas traditions to soften people and so on, that's okay.

Many Blessings!

Nineteen

Gina --

I know this (Taylor Swift - Never grow up) is about a mother & daughter but every time I hear it, I think of you as a smiley, happy chubby baby! And then I cry because that was so long ago. Time always keeps marching on. It is how God designed life on earth. It isn't easy but I understand it's the way it has to be. I wish I would've understood that better when I was your age. 

And as the oldest sibling, I grew up first, had to get jobs & go to college. I couldn't stay home and just be a sister anymore. And some days I was so sad about that.  And yet I wasn't the best example & I could have made better choices once I left home. And for that, I have regrets and I'm so sorry. You deserved better. 

 But this song brings me back to all the wonderful moments you and I had that you don't remember. How I refused to put you down even when my arms were going numb. I remember being jealous of mom because she nursed you. And I couldn't hold you when you were hungry and I told myself that one day I would hold my own baby and feed them from my chest.

 All of these the moments, they happened before the world became a reality to you or me. Before we were aware that bad things happen & before we knew meanness & selfishness. Before we truly knew what people are capable of and what we ourselves are capable of. Those moments were before I had chosen bad paths, especially smoking cigarettes - gross. All of those moments happened when all we knew was love. 

All of my memories with you as a baby, toddler, tiny little girl, they are all perfect. They are pure and beautiful memories. Mom made sure our childhood was spectacular. That's the special part about siblings, we were able to experience that childlike wonder and imagination together. And as we grew up she knew one day we would see the world for what it truly is. And we would know all the truths she didn't want us to face as children. 

And that's where we sit today. We sit knowing that people don't always choose to love us. They don't always put others first. They lie. They cheat. They steal. They drink too much and too often. They get addicted. They say they love you & then walk away from you as if you're worthless. And then we know the scary reality --- if we aren't careful, if we don't watch our choices and ask God for help & follow what the Bible says, WE can become part of the crowd. We can become the "they" I speak about. I have been part of the crowd. It's easy to get lost. It's easy to stumble around life trying to stop the pain. It's easy to wish people chose us and take those wishes & bury them. And put bad choices on top of those wishes. 

BUT it is also possible to choose differently - To cling to the light of Jesus - to shine even when the darkness closes in - to choose to love people - to be better than yesterday - to trust Jesus - to choose family - to look to the cross - to do what is right and good - 

We choose. 

There are things in life we don't choose. God has handed them to us. We are given the siblings we have by God. And we have to do our best to cherish them. With you and Kiah by my side as friends and sisters, I have it all. I know we can get through this next year. We can lean on each other & cry and laugh. And push each other off of beds and bug each other inappropriately. And take ridiculous selfie montages. And we can snuggle and fight for what is right. And we can pray our way through any disasters - emotional or physical.

 

I say all of this because I want you to know how proud I am of YOU! In spite of your circumstances, you keep going. Even though I know you want to freak out because that is a normal response to pain, anger and sadness. And sometimes it's completely okay to meltdown. That was often my response. I freaked out. But You have chosen a good path. A path of hard work and determination. A path of dedication and faithfulness. And I know you have doubts and life starts to weigh on you. But I want you to know that it's incredible what you are doing and who you are becoming is so beautiful. Because you have always been beautiful.

And I am here. It's my duty and privilege to be here - 

to be here for you whenever you need me. Don't ever hesitate to ask.  

I don't ever want you to feel as if you aren't enough or that you have to change who God made you to be. Often the world and people make us feel small and they take what is good and beautiful about us and try and smash it. They try and change it. It's one of the tactics the enemy uses to push us away from our faith and our love for ourselves. The way we look, the personality we have, God made those. He does not make mistakes. I love that we are different. And that I have this crazy beautiful sister who makes people stop & stare. If I am honest, sometimes, I am jealous of your stature and beauty. But I take my own advice and know I am, who I am meant to be. We are perfectly made by God.

 And I even love that everyone thinks I'm YOUR little sister. 

BECAUSE  

YOU are my sweet & sensitive, thoughtful, talented, smart, tall, stunningly & overwhelmingly - beautiful-beyond-words, sister whom I love with everything I am! 

I truly can't express it fully. BUT I hope this did my feelings some justice. 

HAPPY 

NINETEENTH 

BIRTHDAY, 

DEAR HEART.

Love covers...

These are just some thoughts as I lie here praying for the Wilson's. 

I find it completely ignorant of George Stephanopoulos, to be interviewing a police officer and appear to have no idea what kind of tactical, mental, or physical training is given to police officers. They go to college just as any other professional in today's society! And to tell him it's pretty hard to dream when someone is dead. So because he protected himself, he is no longer allowed to dream? 

This whole situation has shown me just how clueless some Americans are. They don't bother to educate themselves on issues before spouting. The knowledge is at our fingertips, literally. 

I have been praying that other officers don't see this controversy and become afraid to shoot if that's what they have the legal right to do. And I will continue to do so because I know that if my husband was holding a gun with the intent to protect himself and/or his family, and a man was charging at him, I know he would shoot. 

Just because a police officer has sworn to protect and serve doesn't mean they aren't also supposed to protect themselves from being attacked. 

My heart goes out to everyone involved. But it's truly time to take responsibility for our own actions. Go read about inner city violence and find statistics on broken families. Do the research. Humans beings don't grow up to become criminals out of the blue. Many things, over many years lead to this type of behavior. Broken and hurting people tend to hurt other people. It's incredibly sad that some people choose destructive paths. But we cannot force people to uphold morals if they were not taught or modeled those morals. Have you ever met a teenager with a criminal record? Have you ever spoken with them? Well, I can say that I have AND I have my own personal experience with the law. Talking with other teens, one thing has become apparent to me, teenagers are more often than not, ignored by their parents. And this is a critical time of change. Second thing I have observed, teens are hurting & broken & they are overwhelmed with their emotions. Most of them talk about their parents and their home lives. And the children that come from a broken family, they have hips on their shoulders. They are guarded and struggle to talk about how they feel. 

It is a given, that anyone chasing drugs, relationships, parties, crime, (etc) they are running away from their pain. And they don't know what to do with their emotions. So instead of seeking help, they act out. They let their anger and resentment fuel their actions. I know this, because 

I did this. Luckily, the law caught up to me before I was 18 & I'm blessed to live in MN where they offer diversion programs. You get one chance to erase your criminal record. And that is such a beautiful grace. 

I think it is time as Americans, to do a better job of loving one another. Instead of throwing out labels and bigotry, and grouping everyone together in their little boxes, it's time to see each person as a child of the one true King. Love will cover a multitude of sins if we let it. 

It shouldn't be us or them. Black or white. But we all have chosen to make it so. And it's a shame. We as a collective need to pray more and go to church more. We need to get ourselves right before our creator. THEN AND ONLY THEN CAN WE INVOKE CHANGE. 

Pain versus Love

A Biggest Loser contestant said "it's a lot easier to find pain than love". 

It hit me hard. It's such a raw truth. Isn't that the culture in which we live today? Everyone focuses on their pain and labels themselves according to their failures/shortcomings/struggles. And it saddens me. 

It saddens me because 

there is a real Savior waiting to embrace you. He's standing on the other side of the door knocking and wishing we would let Him in. 

Revelation 3:20

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

He knows what we struggle with and He loves us anyways. 

In the heart of every man (man meaning human being) there is deceit & evil. We have to choose what we embrace. Will we cling to the light? Or will we walk into the darkness? 

One path is narrow and leads to everlasting life. The other path is grim & often leads to self destruction and eternal suffering. Satan brings pain. Jesus brings love. Let him heal your wounds. He can replace the pain in your heart with hope, joy, peace and love.  

Choose love. Choose Jesus. 

Homeschooling? How dumb!

SAID NO ADULT EVER (WHO WAS ACTUALLY HOMESCHOOLED WELL)!!!!

 I read the entire transcript of Obamas speech. The one where he says all sorts of lovely stuff about women. And then claims that women are forced to stay home because childcare isn't available. 

I want to know how many women that ACTUALLY is? 

Find me a stat. A number. I want the proof from the horses mouth. 

I see that women who want to work, can and do. He wants to magically make daycare more available and better? By what funding it through the government? Sending our kids to institutions ran by government workers? Where do these magic daycare/childcare providers come from? They must be women, right? 

How does he think he will create better child care programs? He says all this wishy washy stuff. But never says HOW he will accomplish it. And no one ever thinks about it all the way through. 

As a homeschooled individual, it's extremely demeaning & insulting to say that children are better taught outside of the home. ..

"because we know investing in high-quality early childhood education makes all the difference in the world." -Obama

And frankly, it's ignorant to claim children are better educated by professionals with strangers sitting all around. Some children NEED one on one attention. 

Staying home was a stress free, bully free, schedule free, environment. I made choices about my education when I was 10. I was able to choose what projects to do. And I was able to focus on things I liked to learn about while also incorporating important educational areas - reading, writing, math, science, history. 

So to say that a child is best served in a classroom of 30 students at age 3, isn't fair. Not all children thrive in chaos. Actually, most do not enjoy it. 

Our son is very social, get him in a huge group of people and he clams up. It overwhelms him. And why wouldn't it? And why is it said to be bad if he can't handle loud groups of people? I can already tell, he learns best when he's one and one. He needs quiet, loving attention.

And I will provide him with opportunities and experiences in group settings. We will join home educating co-ops for group learning. And he will get socialized. I promise. 

Somehow I managed to be homeschooled and still attend highschool and graduate with honors! And then obtain two college degrees. I have my associates degree and LPN. 

 Weird.

 Shouldn't I have been stupid from all my "home edumacating" by someone who isn't a qualified professional? 

HOW could someone dumb home educate me? Is that a serious question? 

Even when I fail.

Time sure flies! It's moving day #2 and I am sick as can be! And I've failed a lot today. I've been crabby, sad, annoyed, mad, rude etc. you name it. That's me. Always messing up. 

I spent a lot of time today thinking and looking back at photos. While I laid around. I am glad I take so many photos. It's a great reminder that ugly days like today are few and far between. And sure I mess up and get upset. And then I say things I shouldn't. And then it's hard cause I feel bad and it's too late cause the words were already said. Then I have to be sure to apologize. 

We had plans to bring Elijah to a pumpkin patch today. But I'm sick. And the weather is far too windy. And that bummed me out because it's the last weekend before it closes. :( It's a silly lame problem, but I really wanted to go. 

It's been hard for me this weekend because there's so much junk in our life. Literally, too. Much. Stuff. And I haven't done the greatest job of cleaning things and organizing our previous house. So there's crap everywhere. Odds and ends. Nick knacks. And garbage. So embarrassing. So. So. Embarrassing. Makes me want to crawl in a hole and bury my face in shame. 

Being sick & not being able to help pack and unpack my belongings is frustrating. I don't mind being helped when I join in & help too. But just having everything done for me is hard. And just when I think I am maturing, boom, I'm right back where I started. A constant reminder that I'm useless on my own. And I need Jesus. Cause clearly on hard days, stressful times, I still can't hold it together by myself. And today I tried to hard to do it on my own. I got too caught up in the bad aspects & got too overwhelmed. I am Thankful for new mercies everyday, every hour. Cause today has been one failure of a day. But tomorrow I will get up, if I'm not too sick & trudge forward, and walk In forgiveness to myself. Because that's the person I struggle to forgive more than anyone else. 

Even when I fail God loves me for me.

Jesus died for me. 

And no matter what failures occur, I can pick things up with Jesus by my side and keep going. 

And that's a hard concept somedays.

But it is a truth. 

A real truth. 

So if today is a rough day or week or even year or years, it is OKAY. 

TURN TO JESUS. 

REMEMBER HE SEES YOU. 

HE SEES US JUST AS WE ARE. 

FLAWED. 

BROKEN. 

BEAUTIFUL. 

and guess what? 

HE LOVES US! 

With the biggest love there is. Love that lays down it's own life. Love that chooses to sacrifice everything for you and for me. 

It is hard to remember. But we have to trudge forward. And remember.  

Sleep is a journey

I am a true believer that every child will find their sleep, in their own time. Ebear has been slowly finding his way to sleep. For almost a week now he has been saying "nigh night" while pointing to the bedroom. So we go into our bed, he is a little restless but we hold hands and and thank Jesus for protecting us while we sleep and we thank Him for our day. Elijah says "thankoo, jeesh ame" (thank you, Jesus amen) & then he slowly babbles himself to sleep while holding his teddy & then I transition him to his crib. I know in time he will be secure enough to fall asleep apart from me and K,

But for now, we are enjoying the cuddles, prayers and kisses. #GodisGood #goodnight 

Be.

http://youtu.be/nrXOOZyMemY

Sleep changes.

My heart. 

My baby has hit some major milestones this week. 

People make such a huge deal about babies and their sleep schedules. 

Sleep train. 

Cry it out. 

Don't co sleep. 

Don't night nurse after infancy. 

The list goes on and on. And I ignored all the advice, judgments & rude comments. And I knew as Elijah's mother that in time, he would find his sleep pattern. We prayed together for God to help us sleep. And the past 3 days, Elijah has asked to take a nap & to go to bed. He is in our room with us. But I see now that letting him feel secure when it comes to sleeping has been so healthy. I can sit back & know that I didn't keep him at arms length. I didn't deny him my presence or Kaleb's. We let him bond & showed him we are with him. 

My theory about sleep has been proven to be a solid idea. Each child WILL find their sleep. But just as every other part of development, it is individual and specific to every child. We are, after all, each a unique person. 

If we spent less time discussing and planning how to get our babies to sleep, and we just enjoyed them and helped them feel secure, it would alleviate a lot of unwarranted anxiety. 

Garden Goodness

My garden journey has taught me many things. But today, today I learned the biggest lesson of all.

Today I saw that even from a broken, withering vessel, God brings forth life. 

Is that not a beautiful sentiment? I had looked at my garden about 2 weeks ago. The cucumbers were withering and appeared to be done. All the leaves were crumpled and brown. So, I wrote the garden off. It was a good run, and we will make a new one next year, I thought. I was just waiting to mow it all down because the new renters don't want to garden. And today, my MIL was looking at our yard and we walked back to the garden plot. And lo and behold, there was a bunch of cucumbers, the vines were withered and so were the leaves. But the cucumbers had grown gigantic! Some of them are massively OVERGROWN. Probably too seedy to eat. And I heard so strongly, see what I can do with broken, ugly, withered things? I can make beauty from the ashes. I do this for my children just as I did it for these plants.
Some of the greatest testimonies of Jesus' changing Grace come from the mouths of people who were once broken. And those testimonies/those stories are the most beautiful. Those individuals whose hearts broke for the cause of Christ have incredible stories of the amazing changing power of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

God doesn't look at our outward appearance. He doesn't look at how much you attend church, or how much you give back to the community. He first looks at our hearts. We could do all sorts of good works, but if our hearts aren't first aligned with God, our good deeds aren't worth anything to the Lord.

Isaiah 64:6
But we are all like an unclean thing,
And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags;
We all fade as a leaf,
And our iniquities, like the wind,
Have taken us away.

The above phrase "filthy rags" truly translates from Greek as "menstrual rags" or "bloody rags". Vulgar? Definitely. But It illustrates just exactly the worthlessness of good works without faith in Jesus Christ. In modern day language, filthy rags would be the equivalent to a dirty pad/tampon. First, we are saved the Grace because Jesus' bloodshed on the cross. Then because of the Holy Spirit living within us, we have to desire to do good works before the Lord.  Our good works and our following the rules do NOT save us. And I truly believe that the Bible makes it clear that only through Jesus are we saved. It isn't do good works and then we are saved. Our salvation doesn't rest in a long list of things NOT to do and another list of things TO DO. We are saved and the good works come when we follow after Jesus.

Romans 3:27-30
27 Where then is boasting? It is excluded. By what kind of law? Of works? No, but by a law of faith. 28 [a]For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from works [b]of the Law. 29 Or is God the God of Jews only? Is He not the God of Gentiles also? Yes, of Gentiles also, 30 since indeed God who will justify the [c]circumcised [d]by faith and the[e]uncircumcised through faith is one.

Seriously, my eyes fill with tears as I contemplate the beauty of God. The grace that He gives us each and every day. And today my garden was a reminder of what God can do if we let Him work in our hearts & our lives.

If you sit here with a heavy heart, I urge you to take a moment with the Lord. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you seek Him, you WILL find Him. No matter who you are or where you come from, no matter what you have done, God sees YOU. He knows YOU.
One of my most favorite Bible chapters, PSALM 139 talks about God searching us and knowing us. And Rebecca St. James has a song based on this Bible verse and it says:

You search me, you know me, you see my every move, there's nothing I could ever do to hide myself from you. You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts. My weaknesses and pride. You know what I am going through and how I feel inside. But even though you know, you will always love me. Even though you know, you'll never let me go. I don't deserve your love. But you give it freely. You will always love me, even though you know.

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

Fear has lost.

My thoughts on fears that grip us, make us stand still in fright & stop us from moving forward:

I say. Write down each fear and under each fear find a Bible verse that disputes that fear! And take time and say outloud, not in your head. Outloud so the demons can hear you, that JESUS wins!

 "The darkness will not win because Jesus is my savior." 

"My soul belongs to Jesus."

"I will not be afraid because Jesus is with me"

I struggle terribly being afraid of the dark. It grips me often. But I refuse to let it take hold. We cannot!! WE CANNOT CONQUER THESE TYPES OF FEARS ALONE! God commands us to fear not because He is with us. I sing "Jesus, lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go" every time the feeling over come me. God gives us the tools in the Bible to conquer anything. But we have to actively do our part. We have to lay our fears at the foot of the cross and cover them in the blood of Christ. If Jesus can conquer death, He can and will help us conquer our fears. But we have to include him. We have to demand the demon of fear leave us alone. It is important that we truly understand who we are in Christ. That constant truth has helped me face the darkness without fear. I have found that with this fear it takes more than prayer. It takes action. It takes facing the darkness with Christ. Every single time I have to go outside in the dark, I talk out loud. There is immense power in Jesus' name. Sometimes it's all I can do to just speak His name. The fear sneaks up on me. If I sit here and claim to believe the God of the Bible is real, then that means that I have to believe He will meet me where I am. And He has and always will. 

Dear one, fear is how Satan torments us. He sits back and laughs as we tremble. But he's the truly scared one. He's Scared that he has already lost. Scared that Jesus has your soul. 

If anyone ever needs prayer feel free to find me on Instagram & snap chat ::: @mamaholzhauer 

Twitter: @jensavedbygrace 

Please Choose Life

I've never been terminally ill. But I have always told myself if that was what God has in my plan, that I would love my life to the fullest. Every last breath.

I read this touching blog and found the words I have in my heart for Brittany M.  Written down for all to see. 

Here they are. 

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/10/dear-brittany-why-we-dont-have-to-be-so-afraid-of-dying-suffering-that-we-choose-suicide/

The Bible is real. 

Jesus Saves. 

He loves you! 

Rest in that truth! 

We bought a house