Nineteen

Gina --

I know this (Taylor Swift - Never grow up) is about a mother & daughter but every time I hear it, I think of you as a smiley, happy chubby baby! And then I cry because that was so long ago. Time always keeps marching on. It is how God designed life on earth. It isn't easy but I understand it's the way it has to be. I wish I would've understood that better when I was your age. 

And as the oldest sibling, I grew up first, had to get jobs & go to college. I couldn't stay home and just be a sister anymore. And some days I was so sad about that.  And yet I wasn't the best example & I could have made better choices once I left home. And for that, I have regrets and I'm so sorry. You deserved better. 

 But this song brings me back to all the wonderful moments you and I had that you don't remember. How I refused to put you down even when my arms were going numb. I remember being jealous of mom because she nursed you. And I couldn't hold you when you were hungry and I told myself that one day I would hold my own baby and feed them from my chest.

 All of these the moments, they happened before the world became a reality to you or me. Before we were aware that bad things happen & before we knew meanness & selfishness. Before we truly knew what people are capable of and what we ourselves are capable of. Those moments were before I had chosen bad paths, especially smoking cigarettes - gross. All of those moments happened when all we knew was love. 

All of my memories with you as a baby, toddler, tiny little girl, they are all perfect. They are pure and beautiful memories. Mom made sure our childhood was spectacular. That's the special part about siblings, we were able to experience that childlike wonder and imagination together. And as we grew up she knew one day we would see the world for what it truly is. And we would know all the truths she didn't want us to face as children. 

And that's where we sit today. We sit knowing that people don't always choose to love us. They don't always put others first. They lie. They cheat. They steal. They drink too much and too often. They get addicted. They say they love you & then walk away from you as if you're worthless. And then we know the scary reality --- if we aren't careful, if we don't watch our choices and ask God for help & follow what the Bible says, WE can become part of the crowd. We can become the "they" I speak about. I have been part of the crowd. It's easy to get lost. It's easy to stumble around life trying to stop the pain. It's easy to wish people chose us and take those wishes & bury them. And put bad choices on top of those wishes. 

BUT it is also possible to choose differently - To cling to the light of Jesus - to shine even when the darkness closes in - to choose to love people - to be better than yesterday - to trust Jesus - to choose family - to look to the cross - to do what is right and good - 

We choose. 

There are things in life we don't choose. God has handed them to us. We are given the siblings we have by God. And we have to do our best to cherish them. With you and Kiah by my side as friends and sisters, I have it all. I know we can get through this next year. We can lean on each other & cry and laugh. And push each other off of beds and bug each other inappropriately. And take ridiculous selfie montages. And we can snuggle and fight for what is right. And we can pray our way through any disasters - emotional or physical.

 

I say all of this because I want you to know how proud I am of YOU! In spite of your circumstances, you keep going. Even though I know you want to freak out because that is a normal response to pain, anger and sadness. And sometimes it's completely okay to meltdown. That was often my response. I freaked out. But You have chosen a good path. A path of hard work and determination. A path of dedication and faithfulness. And I know you have doubts and life starts to weigh on you. But I want you to know that it's incredible what you are doing and who you are becoming is so beautiful. Because you have always been beautiful.

And I am here. It's my duty and privilege to be here - 

to be here for you whenever you need me. Don't ever hesitate to ask.  

I don't ever want you to feel as if you aren't enough or that you have to change who God made you to be. Often the world and people make us feel small and they take what is good and beautiful about us and try and smash it. They try and change it. It's one of the tactics the enemy uses to push us away from our faith and our love for ourselves. The way we look, the personality we have, God made those. He does not make mistakes. I love that we are different. And that I have this crazy beautiful sister who makes people stop & stare. If I am honest, sometimes, I am jealous of your stature and beauty. But I take my own advice and know I am, who I am meant to be. We are perfectly made by God.

 And I even love that everyone thinks I'm YOUR little sister. 

BECAUSE  

YOU are my sweet & sensitive, thoughtful, talented, smart, tall, stunningly & overwhelmingly - beautiful-beyond-words, sister whom I love with everything I am! 

I truly can't express it fully. BUT I hope this did my feelings some justice. 

HAPPY 

NINETEENTH 

BIRTHDAY, 

DEAR HEART.