Our journey
This topic is a minefield. That much I know is true.
But now that we have made it past the first year & sleep is attainable a lot more often these days, I thought I would write out some of my findings and beliefs about sleep.
If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
There is so much pressure to get your baby to be a "good sleeper". This pressure starts almost immediately after you give birth. At least it did for me. Usually, the very first question someone asks me about our son is something similar to, "Is he a good sleeper?"
To which I always reply "Yes, yes he is". Because, frankly, it isn't any of their business how our child sleeps. It is just the question people ask to compare and throw advice at new mothers. It is a parenting grading scale. Because clearly, if your child isn't sleeping properly, you are a huge failure as a parent. Right?
Wrong!
What is a good sleeper anyways?
A baby who sleeps all night?
A baby who goes to bed easily?
A baby who sleeps 10 -12 hours straight?
I have found that in our culture, it is all of the above. And to that notion, I roll my eyes and scoff. Because I refuse to label my child. I won't do it. I refuse to say
"he always _____"
"he never ______"
"he is a bad sleeper" etc.
As soon as we start labeling, those labels seep into the child's identity. And it becomes part of who they are. We continuously repeat negative phrases as if they are absolutes. When logically, humans are fluid. Meaning that if we are searching and learning and striving for change & maturity, we do change. We can grow mentally.
Children are constantly changing. Isn't that why childhood is so precious? Because it is so short? So why do we expect consistency when their little bodies are growing so rapidly? It is said that a newborn grows, on average, a millimeter a DAY! Their neurons and synapses are firing so rapidly! And their tiny bodies grow and grow!
With children comes a type of beautiful, messy chaos full of love. At least, that is how I see it. I see them as people. People that do NOT need a perfected strict schedule. With tight schedules, there often is no room for fun or spontaneity. And children need love, fun, guidance, and discipline. But above all they need love. They need to feel secure and safe before they can ever truly understand love. Each child has a specific way they need to be loved. Just as adults have love languages, children do as well.
Since, I am staying home to raise our child(ren), K left it up to me to figure out what to do with E in regards to sleep. As far as sleep scheduling or non-scheduling is concerned, I have prayed and sought out all of the information on sleep that I could find. And after compiling it all together, my conclusion was, attachment parenting is natural. Any other type of parenting doesn't appear to meet a child's needs on all levels. And in time I trusted the process and I knew Elijah would sleep through the night when his body was ready. Babies do not have the same sleep patterns as adults.
Go figure? Who knew! (I jest)
His body will find it's own circadian rhythm {more info}. Each child is different. To expect babies to sleep through the night is cruel. It is putting expectations on them that aren't healthy; Especially, separate of breastmilk. A mother's milk has sleep inducing hormones in it. And those hormones increase in relation to the mother's circadian rhythm (night and day).
Sure, we can force sleep to happen and most children will adapt and succumb to the sleep regimen. And then we sit back and say how good of a sleeper they are, FINALLY! As if, until that glorious moment they were failing as a human being and our child. They were causing us stress.
How dare they do that? How dare our brand new child be a lot of work.
After being on the planet for less than a month we are already comparing them to other babies, and expecting them to not need us. Personally, I like that Elijah needs me. I enjoy every moment he needs reassurance. The more I researched, I found that confidence and security go hand in hand with how a child is allowed to sleep. We are mammals and we need close contact. From the moment we are born we crave it. And as parents, if we don't meet that emotional need for our infants, the child misses out. Babies do have feelings. How do we think a child feels if they are left alone in a crib to cry? Is it building trust??
No. It can create negative lasting effects. These effects can range from behavioral issues to anxiety to depression to desperation for love. It is important that we let our children attach to us.
We sit here and we speak for our babies, saying how much they like what we force them to do, in regards to sleep. Obviously they can't communicate and tell us their feelings. Instead they whine or pout or in some cases they internalize the emotions until they are older and then LOOKOUT. All because this American way of life calls for perfect sleep and perfect schedules.
It is nonsense to expect each newborn to fit into a little tiny made up box. Was that box created with the child's emotions, growth, health or brain development in mind?
No, it was created because of our busy lives. And from the moment a child is born, they are expected to adapt to this insane American lifestyle. A lifestyle that is go go go! And our precious sleep is very important because we have so much to do!
It is so easy to get sucked in to the notion that if my child isn't sleeping through the night by 6 months old, I am doing everything wrong. But it isn't natural for them to sleep all night.
And yes, waiting for E's body to regulate itself has come with sacrifices. K goes to bed when he needs to and I go to bed when Elijah gets sleepy.
I could sit and fight and fight for control. I could make myself crazy trying to force our child to bed. Or, I could play & tickle & laugh & wrestle and get him good and tired. And then his body finds it's own rhythm. It isn't exactly the same every day. But neither is our growing son.
Sometimes I can tell, his brain is moving so fast, his body struggles to calm down. Which means, I am not going to force sleep on him. Because it would be a form of torture. I stimulate his brain and give him the attention and affection he is craving.
Incorporating essential oils into our night time "routine" is helpful. But those oils alone don't do the trick, they help after a full day of activity & night time breast feeding.
If I get in a frenzy about sleep, which I have, then Elijah struggles to sleep. I don't even have to externalize my worries, even though, that is nearly impossible. Especially, when it comes to anxieties and worries that shouldn't be there. Those worries and anxious thoughts can translate to our son. I can tell he feels it in his soul. But when I stay calm inside of myself, when I find rest for my soul through prayer and Jesus' arms, E is calm. He sleeps better too!
If I let myself get worked up, if I compare Elijah to other children, if I fight against the natural way things unfold, if I try to hurry life along, I am not in sync with God's plan for our lives. I am trying to make my own plan. I start to think I know best.
God created time and He created the natural order of things on earth. He created a baby's sleep pattern. God created it all.
Who am I to argue with that?
If I sit here and preach that God is in control but I take it upon myself to force my child to sleep before his body is ready, doesn't that defeat what I preach in the first place??
This post was fueled by last night. E slept 7 straight hours. I feel rested. He appears rested. It is wonderful. Now, here is the catch 22, I do not expect him to sleep that way tonight or tomorrow night. I take each day as it comes. His body does regulate in his own time.
I sit here thankful for last night.
In the end, when I let go of my worries and let go of the control I like to have, in time, things come together as they should. They come together as God intended.
Proverbs 14:30
30 A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
1 Peter 5:618
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
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